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174. An Affair to Forget [ - ]
by chris
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Transcript from the broadcast version of An Affair to Forget.

Who's the Boss?
Episode #174 - An Affair to Forget

The Bower Kitchen: It is morning. Tony is making orange juice and is staring straight ahead, lost in his thoughts. The orange juice overflows. He starts mopping up the counter with paper towel and then gets down on the floor to mop it up too. Angela walks in.

Angela: “Hi!”

Tony starts to get up and bumps his head on the cutting board.

Angela: “Oh, Tony. Are you alright?”

Tony: “I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m just…I’m just not myself this morning.”

Angela: “Oh, anything to do with what was said last night?”

Tony: “Oh no…no.” (He gets flustered and goes to lean against the stove, slips and falls onto the floor.) “Maybe a little. I…I…I just couldn’t sleep a wink last night.”

Angela: “Me either.”

Tony: “I just couldn’t stop thinking about you, you know? You in your room, me in mine, only a few measly feet apart. The only thing separating you from me, and me from you was one thin wall, a hallway, another thin wall, Jonathan’s room…and half a bath.”

Angela: “Tony, it’s so wonderful to finally be able to express how we feel.”

Tony: “Ah, you ain’t kidding Angela. You know, I’m so tired of keeping it bottled up. I mean I…I want to shout it from the rooftops. I want to tell it to the world.”

Angela: “Oh Tony!”

Tony: “Oh Angela!” They move toward each other, but Jonathan walks into the kitchen.

Tony shoves Angela aside and holds out a chair for Jonathan. “Morning, Buddy. Juice?”

Theme Song

Angela follows Tony to the refrigerator.

Angela: “What is wrong? Why did you pull away from me like that?”

Tony: “Shh! It’s just…it’s just a reflex. I’m sorry.”

Jonathan: “Hey, what’s going on back there?”

Tony: “Nothing. Nothing uh…we were just debating whether it was time to change the old baking soda. (Sniffs) It’s time.”

Angela: “Tony!”

Tony: “Angela, we’ll talk about it later.”

Angela: “Oh, fine!” They sit at the table with Jonathan.

Jonathan: “Okay. I know what’s going on here.”

Tony: “You do?”

Angela: “Really?”

Tony: “Look Jonathan, let me explain…”

Jonathan: “What’s to explain? You’re staring at my zit, right?”

Tony: “Right!”

Jonathan: “I knew it. I can just hear my date tonight… ‘Thanks for taking me to the football game, Jonathan, but could you keep your head down? Your zit’s blocking my view.’”

Angela: “Honey, it’s not that bad.”

Jonathan: “It’s a bomber, mom!”

He leaves the room.

Angela yells after him: “Don’t squeeze it, Sweetheart!” To Tony: “Okay, he’s gone. Now what is the problem?”

Tony: “The kid’s got the Rubáiyát of Khayyam growing out of his head.”

Angela: “I mean with you. You, obviously, don’t want to kiss me. Well, at least not in front of Jonathan.”

Tony: “Angela, I mean it’s…it’s…you know, after seven years, it’s hard to change overnight. I think I need time to adjust.”

Angela: “It’s kind of new for me, too.”

Tony: “Exactly. That’s what I’m saying.”

Angela: “That’s all? You’re sure?”

Tony: “Yes. Look, I think that all we need is a little practice.”

They, awkwardly, move toward each other, but Mona walks into the kitchen. Tony flips Angela over his arm and starts pounding her on the back.

Tony: “Fish bone! Fish bone!”

Mona: “Oh, let her choke. I need coffee.”

Angela: “Tony, could I see you in the living room, please?” Tony follows Angela into the living room. “Why don’t you want the family to know what is going on? Are you ashamed by this? Are you embarrassed?”

Tony: “No. No, you’re well groomed and everything.”

Angela: “Tony!”

Tony: “Look Angela, I’m…I’m just not ready to go public with this yet. You know? I’m a private person. I think…I think we need some time to adjust.”

Angela: “But they’re family.”

Tony: “Family is the worst, Angela. They’re going to be watching our every move. We’ll…we’ll be under a microscope. We don’t need that pressure.”

Angela: “Tony, you’re being too sensitive. I’m sure they’re going to respect our privacy.”

Mona comes running into the living room: “Quick! Binoculars! Old man Jackson’s in the hot tub with the maid!”

Tony (giving Angela a knowing look): “Broom closet. Top Shelf.”

Mona: “Thanks, Fuzzy.”

Tony: “Grrrrr.”

Angela: “Okay, okay. Maybe you have a point.”

Tony: “Look, that’s all I’m saying.”

Angela: “Well, what are we supposed to do? Are we supposed to sneak around like a couple of teenagers?”

Tony: “Well, for now. I mean it could be fun, huh? A stolen moment here, a little kiss there, all the while knowing that your mother’s in the next room.”

Mona (hollering in the kitchen): “Go, Jackson, go!”

Tony: “Of course, you realize that I’m speaking about mother in a more universal sense.”

Angela: “Tony, I don’t know. I…I was hoping for more than stolen moments. I want to enjoy this relationship.”

Tony: “Well, so do I, Angela. Believe me, we’ll have plenty of time to spend together. We’ll just have to be smart and plan carefully.”

Jonathan comes downstairs.

Jonathan: “Okay, I’m going.” Angela and Tony give him a strange look because he has a patch on his forehead. “Hey, it was either cover it, or name it. I’ll be back at ten.”

Tony: “Oh yeah, that’s right, you have a date tonight, right Jonathan? Um…listen Jonathan, your mother and I…uh…we were talking, and we decided that if you’re old enough to have pimples, you’re old enough to stay out ‘til eleven.”

Jonathan: “Really?”

Tony: “Aw, it’s a big pimple, make it midnight.”

Jonathan: “Okay! That’s great! See you guys later.”

Tony: “Okay, be careful out there.”

Angela: “Bye, Sweetheart.”

Tony: “Okay, one down, one to go.”

Angela: “Well, that was very clever, except Mother and I have to be at the ad week banquet tonight.”

Tony: “Well, then, I guess I’ll be home alone tonight.”

Angela: “Of course, I don’t really have to go. Oh, Mother!”

Tony: “Hey, hey, what are you going to tell her?”

Angela: “I’ll think of something.”

Mona walks into the living room, laughing.

Mona: “I’m thinking Jackson’s been in the water too long. He’s all pruney. Then I realized, he’s 85 years old.”

Angela: “Mother, you have to do me this huge favour. My old friend, Louisa, is in town for just one night. She just got divorced a couple of weeks ago, and her husband got custody of their golden retriever, Harry. Well, naturally, she’s completely distraught. She needs a shoulder to cry on, so I’m going to meet her at her hotel tonight, the Sherry Netherland, room 807.”

Mona: “Then you want me to cover the banquet, right?”

Angela: “Would you?”

Mona: “Oh, I guess so. Why can’t Tony do it?”

Tony: “Oh well, I’m…I’m…I’m…you know…I’m just sort of…”

Angela: “Tony’s going to be at the library preparing a paper on the Peloponnesian War. Professor Hendricks is being a real bear about it. He’s demanding 10,000 words, typed, double-spaced, foot notes, appendix and a bibliography.”

Mona looks at Tony for confirmation.

Tony: “Oh, I gotta get a folder for it too.”

Later that evening, with everyone else away, Tony is setting up a romantic dinner for Angela and himself in the living room.

Tony (singing): “Wait a moment, wait a moment longer. Wait a moment… Yes!”

Sam (from the kitchen): “Dad?”

Tony: “No!”

Tony walks into the kitchen.

Sam: “Woo hoo hoo! Roast duck! Dad, how could you cook on a day like today? It is so hot out there.”

Tony: “Well, you know what they say, ‘If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.’ Bye, bye.”

He starts to propel Sam towards the door, but she pulls away. Angela walks in.

Angela: “Oh, Tony! Everything’s…Sam! What are you doing here?”

Sam: “Beats me! I thought I’d be welcome.”

Angela: “Oh honey, you are, you are. There’s just one problem, we’re going out.”

Sam: “Then Dad, why are you cooking?”

Tony: “Angela?”

Angela: “It’s a 50 dollar a plate charity dinner, and it’s potluck so that all of the money goes to charity and isn’t spent on food. Tony would you get the dessert? We have to leave.”

Tony: “Oh, yes, fine, fine, just tell me what I made.”

Angela: “Oh, you silly goose, we’re ten minutes late. We’re supposed to meet the Hendersons for cocktails.”

Sam: “Dad, why didn’t you just say so. Maybe I’ll go see a nice air-conditioned movie. Have fun, guys. See ya. Say ‘hi’ to the Hendersons for me.”

Tony: “Okay, bye bye, Sweetheart. Great! Now we gotta say ‘hi’ to the Hendersons.”

Angela: “Oh, you worry too much. We’re finally alone, and if you’re real good, I’ll tell you what’s for dessert.” She walks into the living room.

Tony: “There goes my diet!” He grabs the duck and follows her into the living room.

Angela: “Oh, Tony! You have really outdone yourself.”

Tony: “Oh, not really, not really. It’s just a simple dinner at home.”

He grabs a remote control and turns on the music, dims the lights, and brightens the candlelight.

Angela: “What, nothing on the clapper?”

He claps his hands and the curtains close.

Tony: “Old Man Jackson may have binoculars too, you know. Uh, champagne?”

Angela: “Mais, oui.”

Tony: “Well, who’s going to stop us?” (laughs) “May we?”

He pores the champagne.

Angela: “Thank-you.”

Tony (toasts): “To us.” There’s a noise from outside.

Angela: “What was that noise?”

Tony: “I didn’t hear anything.”

Angela: “You sure?”

Tony: “I’m positive, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll just go…I’ll just go check and make sure. Hang on one second, uh huh.” He looks out the window. “Oh, its’ just a cab. It’s your mom!”

Angela: “Oh, my god, we’ve gotta hide!”

Tony: “Go, go, go, go.” Starts to hurry Angela out of the room. “ Wait, wait, wait, wait, the food, the food!” They start to grab the food.

Tony: “There’s no time. Kill the music!”

Angela grabs the remote control, the TV turns on, the candlelights keep dimming and brightening and the curtains keep opening and closing.

Angela: “Uh, Tony!”

Tony grabs the remote control from her, the TV channel changes and you can hear the “Taxi” theme song playing.

Tony: “I love that show!”

Angela: “To…Tony!”

Tony scoops everything off of the table into the tablecloth and runs out of the room towards Angela’s study, dropping the duck in the process.

Tony: “Angela, duck, duck! Angela, duck!” (Angela ducks down.) “No, Angela, get the duck!” Angela runs across the room, slips, grabs the duck, which slips out of her hand. After a couple of tries, she manages to hang onto it.

Tony: “This way! This way! Come on!” She runs over to Tony and they hide around the corner, by the study.

Mona walks in, followed by the cab driver.

Mona: “Okay, just put the things down over there. Okay, fine. Here you go, my good man, this is for you.”

Cab driver: “Fifty bucks! I don’t think I could change that.”

Mona: “Keep it. The money belongs to my daughter.”

Angela tries yelling from her hiding place but Tony clamps his hand on her mouth and hangs on to her.

Cab driver: “Won’t she be mad?”

Mona: “Oh, not nearly as mad as she’s going to be when she finds out that I didn’t go to that stupid banquet. Ha!” Tony has to restrain Angela again. Mona grabs her bags and walks towards the kitchen “Thank you.”

Cab driver: “Thanks a bunch, lady.”

Mona: “Yeah!”

Tony and Angela come out from their hiding place.

Tony: “Great, great, she’s in the kitchen. What do you wanna do?”

Angela: “Kill her!” Tony stops her from running after Mona.

Tony: “No, no, no, no, we need a plan. Come on, we need a plan.”

Angela: “Okay, I’ve got a plan. Let’s get out of here.”

Tony: “Oooh, good plan, good plan.”

Jonathan (his voice coming from outside): “Don’t worry, nobody’s home.”

Tony: “Ooooh, new plan, new plan.”

They run towards the broom closet, but Angela drops the duck.

Angela: “Oh Tony! The duck, the duck!”

Tony: “Hike!” She tosses the duck to him and they hide in the broom closet.

Jonathan walks in with his girlfriend.

Girlfriend: “Okay, are you sure?”

Jonathan: “Positive, my grandmother said everyone’s going to be out. We’ve got the place to ourselves.”

Angela (still hiding with Tony in the broom closet, cuddled up): “Oooh, sneaking a girl into the house. Why that little…”

Tony: “Angela, technically, that’s what I’m doing, too. Although, not very well.”

Jonathan: “C’mon, I’ll show you the hockey puck that did this. Luckily I was able to deflect it off of my head into the goal.”

Angela: “Why, that little liar!”

Tony: “I wonder where he gets it.”

Angela: “Tony, this is ridiculous. Two adults sneaking around their own house, why don’t we just tell them the truth?”

Tony: “Now may not be the right time. Your lipstick’s all smeared. Here.” He starts wiping her mouth with his fingers.

Angela: “Your shirt’s all wrinkled.” She smoothes out the wrinkles on his shirt.

Tony: “That’s much better.” They look into each other’s eyes, very aroused.

Angela: “Tony.”

Tony: “Yes.”

Angela: “We have got to get out of here!”

Tony: “Yes, we do. We gotta find someplace where we can be alone. Someplace where we don’t have to sit on a Hoover. Oooh, I think I just found that drapery attachment.”

Angela: “Where should we go?”

Tony: “Any place but here. C’mon.”

Tony and Angela follow a bellhop into a hotel room.

Bellhop: “Right this way. Best room in the house Mr. Gladstone.”

Tony: “Just call me Irving.”

The Bellhop shows them around their room.

Bellhop: “Your cable TV, wet bar, and stocked refrigerator, and your luggage, sir.” He hands Tony the keys.

Tony: “You see…uh, the reason that we don’t have any luggage is that we would…you know…we were just looking for a place to cool off.”

Angela: “We were driving around and we, finally, ended up here.”

Tony: “Yeah, we must have passed this place a million times, and we always wondered what the rooms were like, so we figured, why not drop 145 bucks and see. Nice, nice.”

Angela: “Real nice.”

Tony: “Yeah, we should have…we should have stopped by a long time ago.”

Bellhop: “I’m sorry, but the air conditioning isn’t working, but if you want a cooler room we could go back to the front desk and…”

Tony and Angela: “No!”

Tony: “No, uh, checking in once was stressful enough.”

Angela: “His mother ran off with the concierge.”

Bellhop: “Would you like the maid to come in and turn down your bed?”

Tony: “Oh no, no, no, no…uh, no, no…there won’t be any need for that. Don’t you agree An…ge…lita?”

Angela: “Ab…absolutely, Irv.” (to bellhop) “We’re night people.”

Tony: “Yeah, we…we drink so much cold beer and coffee. We’ll probably be up all night talking and laughing and going to the bathroom.” (He laughs nervously)

Bellhop: “Then, would you like me to fill your ice bucket?”

Tony: “No, no, uh, no, uh, no ice. I can’t have it…I can’t have it.”

Angela: “His grandfather died on the Titanic.”

The Bellhop starts walking out of the room.

Tony: “Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.” After the bellhop leaves, he turns to Angela. “Well, here we are.”

Angela: “Here we are, in a hotel…all alone.”

Tony: “Finally. Hey d…d…d…did you want ice? Because, maybe, I shouldn’t have answered for the two of us. You know what I mean? If you want ice, I’ll take the bucket…I’ll go down…the machine is down…”

Angela: “No. Tony! Tony! I don’t want ice. And there’s no reason for us to be so nervous. Right?”

Tony: “Right, right. I mean… we’re adults.”

Angela: “And if we want to go to a hotel, we can go to a hotel.”

Tony: “Yeah, I mean to uh…to cool off or to talk or to uh…” He swallows nervously and walks over to the window and looks out “…check out the view.”

Angela walks up behind him: “Absolutely. Oh my, it really is beautiful.”

Tony: “Yes, yes it is.”

Angela: “Oh, look at the way the moonlight’s dancing on the water, shining as if it’s just for us.”

Tony: “Yeah.” He turns to Angela. “Do you wanna kiss?”

Angela: “Uh huh.”

They move toward each other to kiss, but there’s a knock at the door.

Tony: “O-o-oh, now what? Who is it?”

A/C Repairman: “Air conditioning repairman!”

Tony: “Go away!”

A/C Rep: “Okay.” Tony and Angela move toward each other to kiss. “The only thing is that I’ve got a work order. If I don’t get this job done, my boss will get mad, unless you write him a note. His name is George Tully. T-u-l-l-y.”

Angela: “Tony, let him in. It’s going to be a lot faster.”

A/C Rep: “And that’s George. G-e-o…”

Tony opens the door for him. All three: “…r-g-e.”

Tony: “Get in here.”

A/C Rep: “Sorry to bother you folks. I’ll be out of here in a jiffy. Oh!”

Angela: “What happened? Are you alright?”

A/C Rep: “That’s the first thing they teach in Tech. School. Never wear a claw hammer in front. I graduated from Air Conditioning and Heating Academy. I majored in heating. I can hardly wait ‘til winter.”

Tony (quietly, to Angela): “I hope he fixes it by then.”

A/C Rep: “It’s your thermostat.”

Tony: “Well, can you fix it?”

A/C Rep: “In a jiffy.”

Tony: “In a jiffy…that’s my man…in a jiffy…”

A/C Rep: “Uh, any of you read Korean?”

Tony: “That’s it! Out! Out!”

A/C Rep: “What about the unit?”

Tony: “You wanna fix the unit? Wanna fix the unit?” He rips the air conditioner out of the wall. “Here.”

Angela: “Tony!”

Tony: “Here. Here’s your unit!” He shoves the unit at the repairman.

A/C Rep: “Oof!”

Tony (as he’s pushing man and unit out of the door): “Now fix it! It’s all yours!”

A/C Rep: “Okay.”

Tony slams the door in his face and turns to Angela, incensed.

Tony: “Geez, Louise! I mean, what else is going to happen tonight?”

Angela: “Tony, calm down!”

Tony: “How can I calm down, Angela? It’s one thing after another. I mean…I mean the whole…the whole mood is ruined! It’s destroyed, Angela. It’s destroyed and I can’t get it back!” Angela gives him a big long kiss. “I could be wrong.”

Angela: “You are so easy.”

They start to kiss again but Tony swats at something near his mouth.

Tony: “What the…?”

Angela: “What is it?”

Tony: “I don’t know. It’s just some…a mosquito. It’s probably a hotel employee.”

They begin kissing again, all the while, swatting at mosquitoes.

Tony: “Where are all these things coming from?”

Angela: “Probably from the hole someone made in the wall.”

Tony: “Don’t move. Don’t move!”

Angela: “You either.” They smack each other on the neck. “Oh!”

Tony: “That’s it Angela. I think it’s time to check out.”

Angela: “I’m ready when you are.”

Tony: “I’ll get the luggage.” He grabs the keys off of the table and they walk out of the room.

Sitting in the Jaguar, at a lake:

Tony: “Well, this is better. At least it’s quiet.”

Angela: “Really, this has been some evening.”

Tony: “Yeah, it’s not over yet. The earth could still open up and swallow us.”

Angela: “It really does seem like somebody’s trying to tell us something.”

Tony: “Yeah, like maybe this isn’t meant to happen.”

Angela: “Yeah. Ever?”

Tony: “No, no, not ever. Just, maybe, not tonight.”

Angela: “I agree. When?”

Tony: “I don’t know. Probably when the time is right…uh…we’ll know it. Is…is that crazy?”

Angela: “Well, a little, but you’re probably right. We shouldn’t try to force this.”

Tony: “Yeah, I mean I…I think we should just…uh…you know…let this happen in it’s…in it’s own time and pace.”

He kisses her cheek.

Angela: “Absolutely, we should just let everything evolve naturally.”

She kisses his cheek.

Tony: “I mean, after all, even a fine wine needs to be aged before it’s uncorked.”

He nuzzles her neck and cheek.

Angela: “Patience is the key.”

She nuzzles his neck and cheek.

Tony: “I’m ready to be uncorked, Angela.”

They grab each other and begin kissing each other furiously. The Jaguar begins rolling into the lake.

Tony: “Angela, Angela I feel…I feel the earth moving beneath us.”

Angela: “Tony, it’s not the earth, it’s us!”

Tony: “AAAHHHH, hit the brake! Hit the brake! AAAAHHHHH!”

Angela voices over: “Tony! Get the brake!” The Jaguar slips completely into the lake.

A Police Officer is at the scene on the lake. Tony and Angela are standing with him, with blankets around them.

Officer: “Since no other vehicle was involved, there’s no need to file an accident report.”

Tony: “Good, good, thank you officer because… you know…we’d like to keep it between us… you know.”

Samantha: “Dad!”

Mona: “Angela!”

Officer: “So I guess I shouldn’t have called them.”

Samantha, Jonathan and Mona come into sight, speaking at the same time:

Samantha: “Oh, look at the car!”

Mona: “Oh, my!”

Jonathan: “Are you okay?”

Angela: “We are al…we are fine. We’re fine, we’re just a little wet.”

Tony: “Yes, yes, there’s nothing to worry about, nothing to discuss. Let’s go home.”

Mona: “Hold it, flipper. What are you two doing together? (She looks at Angela) “You’re supposed to be at the Sherry Netherland with your friend Louisa.”

Jonathan (to Tony): “And you’re supposed to be writing some big term paper.”

Samantha: “No they are not. They’re both supposed to be at the potluck charity dinner with the Hendersons.”

Angela: “Actually, you’re all right! You see, what happened was, my friend Louisa who happens to be really good friends with the Hendersons decided to come to the potluck dinner with us. It really worked out great for Tony because the Hendersons and Louisa happen to be experts on the Peloponnesian War…”

Tony: “Oh, Angela! Please give it up, please! Give it up! Look we…we needed some time alone and so we made up some stories. It was a mistake. The end. Let’s go home, please.”

Jonathan: “Yeah, but how did the car get in the lake?”

Samantha: “You know, something like this happened to friends of mine once, but that was only because they were in the car making out and then her foot slipped and…Oh my God!”

Tony: “Nothing happened.”

Mona: “Well, get back in that car until it does.”

Angela: “Mother, look, this is not some seedy, smarmy thing going on here.”

Samantha: “Oh, then what is going on here?”

Mona: “Yes, you two have been acting very strange all day.”

Tony: “Well, Angela, we should just tell them the truth. I love Angela.”

Samantha: “Yeah?”

Tony: “No, no, you don’t understand. Angela and I are in love.”

Mona: “Oh my God!”

Samantha: “Really?”

Tony and Angela: “Yeah.”

Samantha: “Oh, that’s great!”

Jonathan: “Yeah, it’s about time!”

Mona: “Oh, I’m so happy for you!” She hugs them both.

Samantha: “Oh, I should have known, the way you were glowing.”

Angela: “Was I?”

Samantha: “No, Dad.”

Mona: “What I don’t understand is, what is all the sneaking around about and all the lies?”

Tony: “Well, we just…uh…you know…we needed some time to adjust.”

Angela: “Right, and we thought that it would take some of the pressure off us, if we kept it private.”

Tony: “Yeah, you know, who…who wants to live under a microscope?”

There is a commotion and you can hear: “I found them! Here they are!” A news reporter and her team of cameramen show up and aim cameras at Tony and Angela.

Laurie Lee: “Action News Reporter Laurie Lee, live on the scene of Piedmont Lake, where the victims of tonight’s freak car accident just emerged from their car. And you are?”

Tony: “Irving Gladstone.”

Tony and Jonathan are in the kitchen at the Bower House. Tony is giving Jonathan a pep talk.

Tony: “Jonathan, a lot of times these problems can be caused by diet, but they can also be caused by stress, the kind of stress you get from sneaking girls around and lying. But look, as you get older, you learn to cope with these pressures and I’m telling you, you won’t have these complexion problems any longer.”

Jonathan: “Great! Thanks, Tony.”

Tony: “Anytime, buddy, anytime.”

They both get up and you can see a patch on both of their heads.