Home | Articles | Bloopers | Episode Guide | Fan Fiction | FAQ | Forums | Gallery | Links | Transcripts
WTB?R Home • WTB?R Archives
161. Days of Blunder [ - ]
by jasonc_wtbr
Table of Contents [Report This]
Printer

- Text Size +

Transcript from the "Final Draft" script of Days of Blunder.

Who's the Boss?
Episode #161 - Days of Blunder

Legend:
INT: Interior set
EXT: Exterior set
DISSOLVE TO: Move to theme song, next scene or commercial.
FADE OUT/IN: Fade the screen in or out.
SFX: Sound Effect
V.O.: Voice Over

Please note that this is a transcript of the actual Days of Blunder script. As such, there may be some differences from the aired version.

Final Draft
11/28/90

WHO'S THE BOSS?

"Days of Blunder"

Executive Producers
Martin Cohan and Blake Hunter

Co-Executive Producers
Danny Kallis and Phil Doran

Supervising Producer
Bob Rosenfarb

Producer
Clay Graham

Co-Producers
Gene Braunstein and Daniel Palladino

Produced by
John Anderson

Directed by
Tony Singletary

Written by
Deborah Leschin & Barry Vigon

Episode: #0713
Tape: 11/30/90

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE

(Tony, Angela, Samantha, Jonathan, Billy, Patricia)
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

(TONY, DRESSED IN A DARK SUIT AND A WHITE SHIRT, RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS AS HE TIES HIS NECKTIE)

TONY
(CALLING BACK UPSTAIRS)
Angela, come on, shake a leg.
(HE CROSSES TO THE MIRROR AND CONTINUES TO TIE HIS NECKTIE)
Angela! We've got to leave for the funeral soon.

(ANGELA, DRESSED IN BLACK, COMES DOWN THE STAIRS)

ANGELA
I still don't understand why we're going to this thing. I thought you didn't like Mr. Fabrizzi.

TONY
I didn't. The old man was evil. The kind of guy who would take money from a Salvation Army Christmas pot, cut in front of an old lady in the Communion line.
(GETTING WORKED UP)
A guy who'd knock over a little boy's bike. It was a brand new bike, Angela. Shiny red -- with yellow flame stripes.

ANGELA
Then why are we going?

TONY
Out of respect.

SAMANTHA (O.C.)
Forget it, Jonathan!

JONATHAN
Come on, Sam! Be human for a change!

ANGELA
Not again. They've been at it all day.

TONY
(AS HE CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN)
If they put me in a bad mood for this funeral, so help me...

(THEY EXIT INTO KITCHEN)

CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

(SAM IS SITTING AT THE TABLE IN FRONT OF HER BOOKS. JONATHAN NUDGES BILLY TOWARD SAM AS TONY AND ANGELA ENTER)

JONATHAN
Come on, Sam, you take him.

SAMANTHA
Hey, I'm going to be watching him all afternoon. You take him.
(SHE GENTLY NUDGES BILLY BACK TO JONATHAN)

JONATHAN
I can't, you take him.
(HE NUDGES BILLY BACK TO SAM)

TONY
(A PIERCING WHISTLE)
Time out.

ANGELA
What's with you two lately? Nothing but bicker, bicker, bicker.

BILLY
I need to buy stuff for school and no one will take me.

TONY
I can't believe what I'm hearing. If Billy needs something, you two should be fighting over who's going to do it first.

SAMANTHA
Oh, sure, I've got to give up working on my term paper just so he can "study" with some girl who obviously has no taste in men.

ANGELA
Girl? What girl?

SAMANTHA
Patricia.

JONATHAN
Way to keep a secret, big mouth.

SAMANTHA
(ABOVE IT ALL)
Look, I don't have time for this childish banter. Right now I am immersed in "Plato's Republic."

JONATHAN
Immerse yourself in this.
(HE DOES THE BRONX CHEER)

SAMANTHA
Oh, yeah?
(SHE DOES THE BRONX CHEER)

TONY
Guys, guys, you're getting Billy wet.
(HE DRIES BILLY OFF)
Sit down, all of you.
(THEY ALL SIT)
Not you, Angela. Now listen, I'm going to tell you something that my grandfather told me: Family is everything, and you are family.

(BEAT, THEN)

SAMANTHA
Actually, we're not.

JONATHAN
We're all from different parents.

BILLY
I just got here.

TONY
(IRKED)
Well, you're as close to family as you're ever going to get. You have to learn to pull together. To be there for each other. Look.
(TONY GRABS SOME NEARBY PENCILS. TONY HOLDS ONE PENCIL BEFORE JONATHAN AND SAM)
TONY (CONT'D)
This is one pencil. Alone. Jonathan, try to break it.

(JONATHAN TAKES THE PENCIL AND EASILY BREAKS IT)

TONY (CONT'D)
Interesting. Easily broken, that lone pencil. Now Jonathan --
(HE PICKS UP A FEW PENCILS)
Here are three pencils. United. Try -- just try -- to break these.

(JONATHAN TAKES THE PENCILS AND EASILY BREAKS THEM. TONY SNATCHES THEM BACK, FRUSTRATED)

TONY (CONT'D)
That wasn't supposed to happen. Angela, get me three iron pipes.

ANGELA
I think they got the point.

TONY
And the point is?

SAMANTHA
(BORED, SING-SONG)
Three people standing together are stronger than any single member of that group.

TONY
Stirs your soul, doesn't it, guys?

SAMANTHA
Okay, okay. Billy, I'd be glad to take you shopping.
(AS SHE USHERS BILLY TO DOOR)
What do you need, kiddo?

BILLY
More pencils. Tony broke them all.

(THEY EXIT)

JONATHAN
(USHERING THEM TOWARD THE LIVING ROOM)
Well, you and mom better get going. Dead men don't wait.

(THEY EXIT TO THE LIVING ROOM)

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

(JONATHAN CONTINUES USHERING THEM TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR)

JONATHAN (CONT'D)
Let's go, let's go, let's go.

TONY
What to be alone with Patricia, huh guy?

ANGELA
Does this Patricia have a last name?

JONATHAN
(SARCASTIC)
No, Mom, she doesn't. She's like Cher.

TONY
Angela, there's some things that a young man can't discuss with his mother. So he goes to his housekeeper.
(THEN, TO JONATHAN)
What's the scoop, stud-meister?
(OFF HIS LOOK)
We're going, we're going.

SFX: DOORBELL

(JONATHAN DOES AN ABOUT FACE, AND HURRIES THEM TOWARDS THE KITCHEN DOOR)

JONATHAN
Back door, back door.

(TONY AND ANGELA STOP IN THEIR TRACKS)

TONY
Jonathan, we won't embarrass you.

ANGELA
(A LITTLE TOO SWEETLY)
We just want to meet your little study-buddy.

TONY
Okay, I won't embarrass you. And I'll try to keep your mother in line.

(JONATHAN GOES TO THE DOOR AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH, NERVOUS. HE OPENS IT. PATRICIA ENTERS. SHE'S FIFTEEN, TOO HIP FOR THE ROOM, MELROSE PERSONIFIED, DRESSED ALL IN BLACK)

JONATHAN
Hi, Patricia.

PATRICIA
Hi, Joe.

TONY
Joe?

JONATHAN
She calls everybody Joe.

PATRICIA
Names are just labels. I deplore labels.

TONY
(BEAT)
O-kay.
(THEN, RE: ANGELA)
Joe, this is Joe's mother, Joe. And I'm Joe, Joe's housekeeper.

ANGELA
Nice to meet you... Patricia.

PATRICIA
I like the way you guys dress. Basic black.

TONY
We're going to a funeral.

PATRICIA
Ooh, I love funerals. Can we go?

ANGELA
You wouldn't have much fun. It's closed casket.

JONATHAN
(WANTING TO GET OUT OF THERE)
Bummer. Well, let's go study.

(JONATHAN AND PATRICIA CROSS TOWARD KITCHEN AS MONA ENTERS FROM THERE)

PATRICIA
Hiya, Joe.

MONA
(WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT)
Hiya, Bill.

PATRICIA
I like her.

MONA
Thanks. And I like your fifth earring from the top.

PATRICIA
Oh, this is an African love stone. Folklore has it that if your partner nibbles it, he will ravage you like a beast.

JONATHAN
Cool.

(THEY EXIT)

ANGELA
We're not going to the funeral.

TONY
Come on, Angela. It's only folklore.

MONA
No it's not.

(ANGELA STARTS TO THE KITCHEN, TONY STOPS HER)

TONY
Okay, she's a little quirky, but I'm sure deep down she's a nice, normal kid.

MONA
No, this chick sprouted from a pod.
(MONA EXITS)

ANGELA
You know, if Mother thinks she's weird --
(THEN, REALIZING)
Oh, God. My poor Jonathan...

(ANGELA STARTS FOR THE KITCHEN. TONY STOPS HER)

TONY
Relax. Your poor Jonathan can take care of himself.

ANGELA
You wouldn't be saying that if it were Sam in there with a guy wearing an African love stone.

TONY
Well, I wouldn't overreact like you.

ANGELA
Oh, you mean like the time you barricaded the front door to keep Sam away from that guy with the leather chaps.

TONY
I was not barricading it. I was simply trying to find a better place for the refrigerator.
(A BEAT AS ANGELA STARES AT HIM)
Come on, Angela, it's different for guys than for girls.

ANGELA
Ah-ha! You have a double standard.

TONY
Yes and no.
(THEN)
All I'm saying is that as your kids get older, you have to get used to them dating people you may not like.

ANGELA
Maybe you're right.

TONY
Of course I am.
(WITH GREAT RELIEF)
I'm so glad it's not me this time.
(THEN)
Come on, let's go to the funeral. It'll get your mind off your troubles.

(TONY AND ANGELA HEAD FOR THE DOOR, THEN)

TONY (CONT'D)
Oops, almost forgot. Flowers.

ANGELA
I'll warm up the car.

(ANGELA EXITS AS TONY CROSSES TO SHELF NEAR KITCHEN DOOR. HE IS ABOUT TO PICK UP THE FLOWERS FROM SHELF WHEN HE OVERHEARS:)

PATRICIA (O.C.)
You crack me up. You're the greatest guy. The cutest, too.

(TONY LETS THE DOOR CLOSE QUIETLY)

TONY
(SOTTO)
Way to go, Joe.

(JONATHAN ENTERS FROM KITCHEN LOOKING DEJECTED)

TONY (CONT'D)
What are you leaving now for? It sounds like you're on a roll.

JONATHAN
Correction. The guy she's talking to on the phone is on a roll.

TONY
Oops.

JONATHAN
What do I do, Tony?

TONY
Do you really like her?

JONATHAN
Like her? Everytime I see her it's like my insides are going to explode and show up on my outsides.

TONY
Well, as the guy who does the laundry around here, let's avoid that... Look, if you really want that girl -- go for it.

JONATHAN
"Go for it?"
(THINKS)
So what you're saying is... "Go for it?!"

TONY
That's another way of putting it, yes. So, just be cool. Don't let the other guy intimidate you. And most important, let Patricia know how you feel.

JONATHAN
First I have to convince her that I exist.

TONY
No problem. You're a good looking kid, you're smart, you're charming.
(HE SNIFFS)
... you're wearing a lot of my cologne. Bottom line -- do whatever it takes to win her heart.

JONATHAN
(IMPRESSED)
"Whatever it takes... go for it." You know so much about women.

TONY
Hey, can't live with them, can't live without them.

JONATHAN
Another one. I've got to write these down.

SFX: HORN HONK

(TONY TAKES THE FLOWERS FROM THE SHELF)

TONY
You know what, you take them. They'll do you a lot more good then they will Mr. Fabrizzi.

JONATHAN
Thanks, Tony.
(A DEEP BREATH)
I'm going for it.
(HE EXITS INTO KITCHEN)

TONY
I'm so glad I'm not fifteen anymore.
(TONY EXITS TOWARD FRONT DOOR)

(CUT TO:)
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

(JONATHAN WAITS AS SHE FINISHES ON THE PHONE)

PATRICIA
(INTO PHONE, AFFECTIONATELY)
Okay, I'll call you later, Joe. Bye.
(SHE HANGS UP)

JONATHAN
(HANDING HER FLOWERS)
Here. These are for you.

PATRICIA
(IMPRESSED)
Jonathan... Oh, a card.

(SHE TAKES THE CARD OUT OF THE ARRANGEMENT, JONATHAN LOOKS PANICKED)

PATRICIA (CONT'D)
"Thinking of you in your time of sorrow." This is such a turn-on.

JONATHAN
(RELIEVED)
What can I say? I'm a romantic guy.

PATRICIA
You know, I don't feel like studying. There's this new German film at the Fine Art. Want to go?

JONATHAN
Sure. The number five bus runs right by there.

PATRICIA
A bus? I don't think so. I'll get Joe to take me.
(SHE PICKS UP THE PHONE)

JONATHAN
(DESPERATE)
Wait! I'll take you.

PATRICIA
Your only fifteen. You don't have a license.

JONATHAN
Hey, just because I don't have a license doesn't mean I can't drive.

PATRICIA
Really?

JONATHAN
(AS HE CROSSES TO DOOR)
Come on, we'll take my Mom's car.

(JONATHAN TAKES A KEYRING OFF A HOOK. THEY EXIT BACK DOOR)

CUT TO:
EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

(JONATHAN AND PATRICIA STEP OUTSIDE. JONATHAN STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS)

JONATHAN (CONT'D)
Uh-oh. They took my Mom's car.

ANGLE ON PATRICIA STANDING BESIDE TONY'S JEEP

PATRICIA
What about this Jeep?

JONATHAN
(HORRIFIED)
It's Tony's Jeep.

PATRICIA
Well, it's black. And I love black.

JONATHAN
But it's Tony's black Jeep.

PATRICIA
So? Tony's gone. Let's go for it.
(SHE HOPS INTO THE CAR)

JONATHAN
"Go for it?"
(CONSIDERS, THEN:)
Hey... Whatever it takes.
(HE RUNS AROUND TO THE DRIVER'S SIDE AND JUMPS IN)

PATRICIA
Okay, let's rock and roll.

JONATHAN
Right. Turn the ignition.
SFX: CAR STARTING
Pop this baby into drive.

(HE MOVES THE GEAR SHIFT TO DRIVE)

JONATHAN (CONT'D)
And release the parking brake.

(HE REACHES DOWN TO RELEASE THE BRAKE AND THE HOOD POPS OPEN)

JONATHAN (CONT'D)
(WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT)
Let the engine breathe and we'll be ready to go.

FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
INT. LIVING ROOM - A FEW HOURS LATER

(THE LIVING ROOM IS EMPTY. JONATHAN ENTERS FRONT DOOR, PANIC STRICKEN AND OUT OF BREATH)

JONATHAN
Sam! Sam!

(SAM ENTERS, CROSSES IN FROM KITCHEN)

SAMANTHA
What?

JONATHAN
I've got to talk to you. I'm in trouble -- big trouble.

SAMANTHA
Alright, what is it? I'm here.

JONATHAN
I crashed Tony's car.

SAMANTHA
Bye.

(SHE STARTS TO LEAVE. JONATHAN STOPS HER)

JONATHAN
Don't leave me.

SAM
Are you okay?

JONATHAN
Yeah.

SAMANTHA
Why would you do such a stupid thing?

JONATHAN
I did it to impress Patricia. I did it for love.

SAMANTHA
Oh, for love? Dad'll buy that. What happened?

JONATHAN
Well, I was making a right turn and Patricia started tickling my cheek with her nose...

SAMANTHA
(CRINGING)
I don't want to hear that part!

JONATHAN
I got nervous and jumped the curb and ran through a rose bush. And now there's this scratch on Tony's fender.

SAMANTHA
How big a scratch?

JONATHAN
Not that bit. Actually it's pretty small. In fact, you can hardly see it. Hey, maybe he won't even notice.

(BILLY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN)

BILLY
Somebody scratched Tony's car.

JONATHAN
I'm doomed.

SAMANTHA
(TO JONATHAN)
Well, look on the bright side. Now dad can go from one funeral to another.

(SHE EXITS TO KITCHEN. JONATHAN AND BILLY FOLLOW)

CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

(THEY ENTER)

JONATHAN
Sam, you've got to help me.

SAMANTHA
No way.You're not dragging me into this.

(TONY AND ANGELA ENTER FROM THE BACK DOOR, UNSEEN)

JONATHAN
Boy, I ask you for one tiny favor and you turn your back on me.

TONY
I am going to kill someone here.

(THE KIDS JUMP BACK, STARTLED)

SAMANTHA
Hey, I had nothing to do with this.

TONY
Yes, you did.

SAMANTHA
I did?

TONY
We just went through this, people. The pencils.

JONATHAN
(CONFUSED)
Pencils?

BILLY
You know, families stick together.

TONY
That's right, Billy. We help each other. But what's the first thing I hear when I walk through the door? Sam saying, "no, I won't help."

SAMANTHA
But Dad...

TONY
I don't want to hear about it. You two work it out.

JONATHAN
(QUICKLY)
We will. Don't worry about it.
(HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND SAM, THEN CHANGES THE SUBJECT)
So what are you doing back from the funeral so soon?

ANGELA
The ground was so frozen they couldn't dig the grave. It's been rescheduled for next Tuesday.
(SHE EXITS TO LIVING ROOM)

TONY
Just like Fabrizzi to make me go to his funeral twice. If it happens again, it's a burial at sea.
(HE FOLLOWS ANGELA OUT)

JONATHAN
Sam, you heard what Tony said. We help each other. Please, help me.

SAMANTHA
Forget it. I'm not going to be a part of any cover-up.

JONATHAN
Cover-up! That's brilliant! I'll cover up the scratch with Tony's touch-up paint. You're the best, Sam.
(JONATHAN EXITS OUT BACK DOOR)

SAMANTHA
Billy, don't grow up like him.

BILLY
Okay.

(MONA ENTERS FROM LIVING ROOM)

MONA
Sam, I know I'm not the best grandmother in the world, but did I miss Jonathan's sixteenth birthday?

SAMANTHA
No, he's still fifteen.

MONA
Oh, good.
(TAKES A WRAPPED PACKAGE OUT OF HER PURSE)
Then I don't have to give him this gift.
(SHE TOSSES IT IN THE GARBAGE. OFF SAM'S LOOK:)
It was stale anyway.

SAMANTHA
So, why were you asking?

MONA
I could have sworn I saw him driving Tony's Jeep down Third Street. There was this girl nibbling on his earlobe...

SAMANTHA
(CRINGING; INTERRUPTING)
I don't want to hear about it.

MONA
I tried to follow him, but he took a shortcut through a rose garden.

BILLY
Yeah, that was Jonathan.

SAMANTHA
Billy! That was our little secret.

BILLY
Well, I didn't tell her about the scratch.

MONA
Scratch? There was an accident? Was anybody hurt?

SAMANTHA
No, it was nothing. But he's such a bone-head. Now he wants me to bail him out. Why does he come to me?

MONA
You mean aside from the fact that he worships the ground you walk on?

SAMANTHA
Oh, please.

MONA
I'm serious. Jonathan thinks of you as his "big sister." He brags about "Sam, the college girl" to all his friends. He even carries a picture of you in his wallet.
(A BEAT)
I know, I just went through it.

SAMANTHA
He really feels that way about me?

MONA
Absolutely. So take it easy on the kid. And remember, when you were fifteen you were kind of a bone-head, too.

(SAM REACTS. MONA EXITS)

SAMANTHA
(TO BILLY)
Great. One person in the world idolizes me, and it's got to be Jonathan.

(JONATHAN RUSHES IN FROM THE BACK DOOR CARRYING A SMALL BOTTLE OF BLACK PAINT)

JONATHAN
Sam, the paint's frozen. What am I going to do?

SAMANTHA
Give me that.

(SHE TAKES THE PAINT BOTTLE FROM JONATHAN AND RUNS HOT TAP WATER OVER IT)

SAMANTHA (CONT'D)
How have you survived since I moved out?

JONATHAN
It's been tough. Billy doesn't know how to do anything.

BILLY
Hey.

(ANGELA ENTERS)

ANGELA
Anyone want some tea?

(SAM QUICKLY HIDES THE PAINT BOTTLE BEHIND HER BACK)

SAMANTHA
No, no thanks.

(AS ANGELA TURNS TO FILL THE TEAPOT, SAM SLIPS THE TOUCH-UP BOTTLE TO JONATHAN. HE NERVOUSLY TAKES IT, BUT IT FALLS THROUGH HIS FINGERS AND DROPS TO THE GROUND. HE QUICKLY PICKS IT UP)

ANGELA
What's that?

JONATHAN
Uh... uh... uh...

SAMANTHA
Nail polish.

ANGELA
Black nail polish?

JONATHAN
It's Patricia's. I better get it to her.

(HE STARTS FOR THE DOOR)

ANGELA
Uh, Jonathan, I'd like to talk to you about her.

JONATHAN
You're right, Mom. She's weird, she's strange, she's definitely not for me. I'm never going to see her again.
(JONATHAN RUNS OUT THE BACK DOOR)

ANGELA
Boy, as a parent, I'm good.

(TONY ENTERS WEARING WORK CLOTHES AND A HEAVY COAT)

SAMANTHA
Dad, where are you going?

TONY
I'm going to add some more anti-freeze to my Jeep.

SAMANTHA
Now?

TONY
You bet. It's supposed to drop to ten degrees tonight. And hey, besides you, that car is my baby.

SAMANTHA
Maybe you should put some antifreeze in yourself first. Have some tea.

TONY
I'll have it after.

SAMANTHA
(COVERING HER EYE, FAKING)
Oh, ow.

ANGELA
What's wrong, honey?

(TONY STOPS)

SAMANTHA
I've got something in my eye. Ouch.

TONY
(CROSSING TO HER)
Here, let me take a look.
(HE LOOKS INTO HER EYE)
I don't see anything.

SAMANTHA
Oh, it really hurts.

ANGELA
It could be some dust.

TONY
Dust? Angela, there is no dust in my kitchen.

ANGELA
I just meant --

TONY
I know what you meant and --

SAMANTHA
Hello... I'm in pain here.

TONY
I'll fix it.
(TONY BLOWS IN HER EYE)

SAMANTHA
Ow.

SAMANTHA
Tony, what are you doing?

TONY
That's how you get something out of someone's eye. It's out, isn't it, Sam?

SAMANTHA
Yeah.

(HE TURNS TOWARD DOOR)

TONY
Good.

SAMANTHA
But now it's in my other eye. Ow, ow...

(SHE COVERS HER OTHER EYE. JONATHAN ENTERS AND SURREPTITIOUSLY GIVES SAM THE "OKAY" SIGN)

SAMANTHA (CONT'D)
I'll be darned. It's gone. Dad, that was brilliant.

TONY
Well, if that didn't work I was going to whip out the dust buster.

(TONY EXITS. SAM AND JONATHAN EXCHANGE A LOOK , TAKE A DEEP BREATH)

SAMANTHA
Well, I'm going upstairs. I've got to finish that term paper on Plato.

JONATHAN
(SINCERE)
I'll give you a hand.

SAMANTHA
You will?

JONATHAN
Sure. I can type up what you've written and help you proof read.

SAMANTHA
Okay, that'd be great. Thanks.

(SAM AND JONATHAN EXIT TO LIVING ROOM)

ANGELA
First the Berlin Wall crumbles and now this.

BILLY
I didn't do it.

CUT TO:
EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS

(Tony, Policeman)

(TONY IS GETTING INTO HIS CHEROKEE, CLOSES THE DOOR)

SFX: CAR STARTING

(THE CAR MOVES ABOUT A FOOT BEFORE A POLICEMAN APPROACHES HIS WINDOW, RAPS ON IT. TONY ROLLS THE WINDOW DOWN)

TONY
You want me to pull over?
(THE OFFICER NODS "YES")
Officer, I couldn't have been speeding. You caught up with me on foot.

(TONY STOPS THE CAR AND GETS OUT)

POLICEMAN
Are you Anthony Micelli, the registered owner of this vehicle?

TONY
Yeah...

POLICEMAN
Mr. Micell, I have a complaint here charging you with careless driving and destroying private property.

TONY
I just moved the car three inches. What could I have done -- wiped out an ant hill?

POLICEMAN
No, Sir, earlier today your vehicle was identified in a rose bush-thrashing incident.

TONY
But, this car hasn't been moved all day. You're wasting your time.

POLICEMAN
That's part of my job, Sir.
(HE TAKES OFF ONE OF HIS GLOVES AND PUTS HIS HAND ON THE HOOD)
Can you explain to me why this hood is warm?

TONY
It is?

(TONY LEANS OVER THE CAR TO FEEL THE HOOD)

TONY (CONT'D)
It is.

(AS HE TURNS BACK, WE SEE THAT THE BLACK TOUCH-UP PAINT HAS SMEARED ON HIS PANTS)

POLICEMAN
And maybe you can explain that touchup paint on your pants.

(TONY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS PANTS, THEN OVER AT THE NOW-EXPOSED SCRATCH ON THE CAR)

TONY
Uh... do I get a phone call?

POLICEMAN
(HE OPENS A CITATION BOOK AND BEGINS WRITING)
Sir, you have twenty-four hours to make restitution to the complaining party or a bench warrant will be issued for your arrest.
(RIPS OUT CITATION, HANDS IT TO TONY)
Have a nice day.
(HE TURNS, CROSSES AWAY)

TONY
So far, the high point's been a funeral.
(TONY, BOILING WITH RAGE, CROSSES INTO THE HOUSE)

CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

(ANGELA IS AT THE TABLE DRINKING TEA AND READING A MAGAZINE. TONY ENTERS BACK DOOR)

ANGELA
I kept your tea hot.

TONY
I'm hot enough. The police were just here.

ANGELA
Why? What's wrong?

TONY
While we were at the funeral somebody stole my Cherokee, got into an accident, and then tried to cover it up by painting over the scratch?

(TONY EXITS TO LIVING ROOM. ANGELA FOLLOWS)

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

(TONY ENTERS WITH ANGELA ON HIS HEELS. SHE STOPS HIM)

ANGELA
Who would have done such a thing?

TONY
There's only one person in this house irresponsible and childish enough to try and pull this off.

(HE RUNS TO UPSTAGE DOOR, OPENS IT)

TONY (CONT'D)
(SCREAMING OUT)
Mona! Get down here!

ANGELA
Tony, that's ridiculous. Why would she take your car?

TONY
Why, Angela? Why? -- Who knows how the criminal mind works?

(MONA ENTERS AS SAM, BILLY AND JONATHAN COME DOWN THE STAIRS)

MONA
What's all the yelling about?

TONY
Does the term "Hit and Run" mean anything to you?

MONA
Well, that's what they used to call me in high school, but how did you find out?

TONY
An officer of the law was here.
(WAVING CITATION AT HER)
I know about the rose bush, I know about the touchup paint, I know everything.

MONA
(LOOKING OVER AT A TERRIFIED JONATHAN)
Okay, you caught me. I'll pay the damages and I'll get your car fixed. Okay?

TONY
No, it's not okay, Mona. What you did was stupid and irresponsible.

ANGELA
Yes Mother, what kind of example is this to set for the kids?

JONATHAN
Wait, Tony. Grandma didn't do it. The truth is --

(SAM LOOKS AT JONATHAN, STEPS IN FRONT OF HIM)

SAMANTHA
I took your car. You want to yell at somebody, yell at me.

ANGELA
Sam, I can't believe you would do something like this.

JONATHAN
She didn't do it, Tony --

BILLY
(STEPPING FORWARD)
It was me. I cracked up your car.

TONY
You?!

BILLY
Yeah. I couldn't see over the wheel.

TONY
What is going on here?

JONATHAN
Look, everybody, thanks for covering for me but here's the truth: See, Patricia usually dates older guys who drive and I...

ANGELA
I knew it. I knew that girl was a bad influence. Look what she did to my baby.

TONY
Look what your baby did to my Jeep.

JONATHAN
I knew I was doing something wrong. but a voice in my head said, "Go for it."

ANGELA
"Go for it?" Why would you listen to such a stupid voice?

JONATHAN
It was Tony's.

TONY
(OFF ANGELA'S LOOK)
Well, I did say that... but I was thinking more along the lines of writing her a poem, not grand theft auto.

JONATHAN
I know. I'm sorry.

ANGELA
Sorry doesn't cut it, Jonathan. You're in serious trouble. You're grounded for one month. And when it comes time to get your driver's license -- don't hold your breath.

JONATHAN
Okay, Mom.
(JONATHAN EXITS UPSTAIRS)

TONY
(THEN, TO SAM)
And you, Sam. Covering up for him like that. You're grounded, too. Go to your room.

SAMANTHA
Fine. See ya.
(SHE EXITS THE FRONT DOOR)

TONY
It doesn't work as well once they move out.

(THEY BOTH TURN TO BILLY)

BILLY
(REALIZING HE'S ALONE)
Uh-oh.

ANGELA
And what do you think we should do about this one?

TONY
He's obviously the brains of the operation.

BILLY
I'll go to my room.
(BILLY EXITS UPSTAIRS)

ANGELA
(TO MONA)
And you knew about this and you didn't say anything?

MONA
I'll go to my room, too. Can I have conjugal visits?

TONY
Will you --

(MONA EXITS)

ANGELA
This is terrible. You must be furious. I'm furious and it's not even my car.
(TONY BEGINS SMILING)
What are you grinning about?

TONY
They're a family, Angela.

ANGELA
What?

TONY
Don't you get it? When the chips were down, they were there. Three pencils. Unbreakable. They bonded, Angela.

ANGELA
Yeah, against us -- in crime.

TONY
Hey, you've got to start somewhere.

(ANGELA SMILES BACK AS WE:)

FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO:

TAG
(Tony, Jonathan, Angela)
FADE IN:
INT LIVING ROOM - A FEW WEEKS LATER

(TONY AND JONATHAN ARE ON THE LANDING AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRCASE)

JONATHAN
...So patricia and I patched things up and we're going out tonight.

TONY
And your mother's okay with this?

JONATHAN
Oh, yeah. Mom was really cool about it. Right, Mom?

ANGLE ON ANGELA SITTING ON THE SOFA, READING

ANGELA
That's right, honey.

SFX: DOORBELL RINGS

JONATHAN
That's Patricia.

(JONATHAN RUNS DOWNSTAIRS TO DISCOVER REFRIGERATOR IN FRONT OF THE DOOR. HE LOOKS TO ANGELA)

TONY
(CROSSING DOWN THE STAIRS)
Looks pretty good there.

FREEZE FRAME
END OF TAG