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154. Parental Guidance Suggested [ - ]
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Transcript from the "First Draft" script of Parental Guidance Suggested.

Who's the Boss?
Episode #154. Parental Guidance Suggested

Please note that this is a transcript of the actual Parental Guidance Suggested script (first draft). As such, there may be some differences from the aired version.

WHO'S THE BOSS?

"Parental Guidance Suggested"

Written by
Gene Braunstein

First Draft
July 13, 1990

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BILLY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

(THE ROOM IS DARK. BILLY AND A FLASHLIGHT ARE UNDER A TENT OF COVERS ON BILLY'S BED)

BILLY (V.O.)
Vroom, vrooom!

(THE DOOR OPENS. TONY ENTERS AND TURNS ON THE ROOM LIGHT. THE FLASHLIGHT GOES OUT. SILENCE. TONY CROSSES AND PULLS OFF THE COVERS. BILLY PRETENDS TO BE ASLEEP)

TONY
Are you asleep?
(BILLY NODS "YES." TONY MAKES A GAME SHOW BUZZER SOUND)
Wrong answer. Tickle time!
(HE TICKLES BILLY, WHO GIGGLES)
Okay, Billy. Let's get to sleep.
(BILLY PUTS HIS HEAD ON THE PILLOW AS TONY TAKES THE RULER "TENT POLE," THE FLASHLIGHT AND THE RACE CAR FROM THE BED)

BILLY
Can I have some water?

TONY
No. If you drink any more, I'm going to start gathering animals in pairs.

BILLY
Read me another story?

TONY
No. I read you two and both times you ruined the endings for me.

BILLY
Grandma would read 'em to me.

TONY
Billy, when you came to live here your grandma said to listen to Angela and me like you would to her, remember?

BILLY
Yeah.

TONY
Then, go to sleep. Tomorrow's your first day of pre-school. You've got to get up early, take a bath, shave... then you can put on your new clothes.

BILLY
I want to wear my old clothes.

TONY
You can't. They're dirty. Besides, you're going to look great in your new shirt with a little alligator on it, your new Calvins, and your new "Air Billy" sneakers.

BILLY
I want to wear my old clothes.

TONY
Goodnight, Billy.

(TONY KISSES BILLY ON THE FOREHEAD)

BILLY
Tony?

TONY
Yeah?

(BILLY PULLS A TOY LASER GUN FROM UNDER HIS PILLOW AND SHOOTS TONY. TONY TAKES THE GUN)

TONY (CONT'D)
Go to sleep.
(HE "SHOOTS" BILLY, WHO FALLS "DEAD")
Should've done that earlier.
(HE TURNS OFF THE LIGHT AND EXITS)

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM

(MONA IS ON THE COUCH. PETER, IN A TUXEDO, AND ANGELA, IN A GOWN, ARE READY TO GO OUT)

ANGELA
Oh, Peter. I can't believe we're finally going to go see Phantom of the Opera.

PETER
I only wish Michael Crawford was still in it.

MONA
Yeah. It just won't be the same with Andrew "Dice" Clay.

PETER
(NIBBLING ON HER EAR)
You sure I can't convince you to go to that new bistro with me later?

(HE'S TURNING ANGELA ON, BUT SHE PULLS AWAY)

ANGELA
Peter, I'm not going to miss Billy's first day of school. But I'll take a raincheck on the bistro. And the ear nibbling.

(TONY ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS)

TONY
The old master hasn't lost his touch.

ANGELA
He's finally asleep?

TONY
Are you kidding? When the captain speaks, the crew listens.

(AT THIS, BILLY WALKS BY TONY AND HEADS TO THE KITCHEN)

ANGELA
Uh oh. Mutiny.

TONY
(TO BILLY)
I thought I told you to go to sleep.

ANGELA
Maybe you'd better read him another bedtime story.

TONY
I already told him "no."

ANGELA
Okay. I'll do it.

TONY
Angela...
(SOTTO TO HER)
Don't contradict me in front of the k-i-d.

MONA
(TO BILLY)
That's you.

PETER
(LOOKING AT WATCH)
Angela, we really should go.

ANGELA
(TO PETER)
He's only been here a few days and with his grandmother recovering from hip surgery, he's having some problems adjusting to everything. A short story.

PETER
How about a very short story?

ANGELA
How about I just tuck him in? C'mon.

(ANGELA TAKES BILLY'S HAND. THEY EXIT UPSTAIRS)

PETER
Boy, raising somebody else's kid. That's a pretty nice thing for you to do, Tonyl.

TONY
Well, I'm a pretty nice guy. But I'm sure Angela's told you that.

PETER
Still, it's a major responsibility.

TONY
True, but Angela helps out a lot. And Mona is always here.

MONA
Don't count on it.
(SHE GETS UP AND EXITS THE UPSTAGE DOOR)

PETER
The thing with kids is you get out of them exactly what you put into them. I've been pretty lucky with Oscar.

TONY
I didn't know you had a kid.

PETER
Me? No. I have a collie. But dogs and kids are a lot alike.

TONY
Yeah, they are. It's so cute when Billy scratches his ear with his foot.

(ANGELA DESCENDS THE STAIRS HOLDING BILLY'S OLD CLOTHES)

ANGELA
Well, it's nice to know I haven't lost my touch, either, "Captain."

TONY
What'd you do? Read him your diploma?

ANGELA
All I did was give him his race car, get him some water and tell him we'd wash his old clothes so he could wear them tomorrow.

TONY
Gee, why didn't I think of that?

(TONY TAKES THE CLOTHES)

PETER
Shall we?

(PETER AND ANGELA EXIT)

CUT TO:
EXT. FRONT PORCH

(TONY STANDS IN THE DOORWAY)

TONY
Have a...fair time.

(BILLY APPEARS FROM BEHIND TONY, WAVING)

BILLY
'Bye 'bye!

(ON TONY'S SURPRISED REACTION, WE:)

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE TWO

INT. PRE-SCHOOL - THE NEXT MORNING

(THE CLASSROOM HAS TOYS, DESKS, CHAIRS, A COUPLE OF COMPUTERS, ETC. THE TEACHER, MS. ADAMS, YOUNG, CUTE, AND WEARING SHORTS, IS TALKING TO LAURIE AND HER SON, JOEY, WHO IS LARGER THAN BILLY. OTHER KIDS ARE PLAYING. TONY, ANGELA, AND BILLY -- IN HIS OLD CLOTHES -- ENTER HOLDING HANDS)

ANGELA
Wow! Look at all the things you can play with. Paints, blocks, computers...

(BILLY SEEMS DISINTERESTED)

TONY
When we were your age, we didn't have computers or video games or...

(MS. ADAMS APPROACHES)

MS. ADAMS
Hi! And welcome to the Fourth Street Pre-school. I'm Ms. Adams.

TONY
Or teachers who looked like this.

MS. ADAMS
You are -- ?

TONY
Tony Micelli and Angela Bower.

ANGELA
Hi.

MS. ADAMS
And this must be your son, Billy.

(TONY AND ANGELA PRIMP BILLY'S HAIR, ETC.)

TONY
He is and he isn't. See, he's really his grandmother's. But since I'm his legal guardian, I gues he's really mine. But since we do live in Angela's house, I guess he's hers, too.

ANGELA
Maybe Ms. Adams would like to meet whomever's child this is.

TONY
Right. Right. Billy, this is your teacher, Ms. Adams.

MS. ADAMS
Hello, Billy! And welcome! Do you like to have fun?

TONY
Are you kidding? Around our house he's known as "The Fun Meister."

MS. ADAMS
How nice! Would you like to make a new friend?

ANGELA
He'd love to make a new friend.

(JOEY WALKS BY. MS. ADAMS CORRALS HIM)

MS. ADAMS
Joey, this is Billy. Billy, this is Joey. What do you say we go play?

(MS ADAMS LEADS THE TWO BOYS OFF)

ANGELA
There he goes, Tony. On the road to growing up.

TONY
Yeah.
(CALLING)
Billy don't put paste up your nose.

ANGELA
Well, ti's a long road.

(LAURIE APPROACHES)

LAURIE
(RE: BILLY)
Is he new?

TONY
Yeah. We just got him.
(REALIZING)
Oh, you mean to the school. Yeah, he is.

LAURIE
He's going to love it here. My Joey does. Well, good luck.

(THEY AD-LIB GOODBYES. SHE EXITS)

TONY
We'd better be going, too.

(TONY AND ANGELA WALK TO A TABLE WHERE BILLY IS BUILDING SOMETHING WITH THE BLOCKS. THEY SIT ON THE LITTLE CHAIRS)

TONY
Hey, that looks terrific!

ANGELA
That's the best...
(SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS)
one of those I've ever seen.

TONY
Listen, Billy, Angela and I have to leave now. But you can stay and play with all your friends and all these toys.

ANGELA
And later on Sam will pick you up, take you to your aerobics class, then bring you home, okay?

TONY
Now we're going away for a little while. But we're not really saying goodbye. It's more like "see you later," okay? So what do you saw?

BILLY
Goodbye.

(OFF TONY AND ANGELA'S EXPRESSIONS, WE:)

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE THREE

INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT AFTERNOON

(TONY IS DUSTING THE COFFEE TABLE. HE PICKS UP A PIECE OF JUNK MAIL)

TONY
(READING)
"We will clean any size rug for nine ninety-five." Hmm. Better send this to Burt Reynolds.

(SAM AND BILLY ENTER THE FRONT DOOR. BILLY CARRIES A BOOK, SAM CARRIES A HUGE SACK OF LAUNDRY)

SAMANTHA
Hi, dad. I brough you a present.

TONY
What? Billy or the laundry?

SAMANTHA
Both if you want.

(BILLY SITS ON THE COUCH. TONY SITS NEXT TO HIM)

TONY
So how was your first day? Did you play a lot of games? Do a lot of fingerpainting? Meet a lot of chicks?

BILLY
Yeah.

TONY
Yeah? So what are their names?

(BILLY SHRUGS)

TONY
You don't know, or you're not telling, you devil you.

SAMANTHA
Show him your book, Billy.

(BILLY HOLDS OUT A BOOK)

TONY
A book? Hey! That's terrific!
(TONY READS THE TITLE)
"The Philology of Twentieth Century Micronesia." Boy, I didn't read this til the their dgrade. No, it says "The Big Red Ball." Wonder what it's about?

BILLY
I don't know.

TONY
Want me to read it to you?

BILLY
No.

TONY
You've got to unwind first, huh? Then tell you what. You sit here and I'll be right back with surprise.

(TONY AND SAM EXIT TO KITCHEN)

CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN

(TONY AND SAM ENTER. TONY TAKES TWO COOKIES FROM THE JAR AND PUTS THEM ON A PLATE)

TONY
Here. Tell him to take two cookies and call me in the morning.

SAMANTHA
No more left?

TONY
Look, as long as you're here doing your laundry, why don't you stay for dinner? We're having something they don't serve at school -- food.

SAMANTHA
("REMEMBERING")
Food...oh yeah. That edible stuff. Thanks, Dad.
(SHE EXITS TO LIVING ROOM WITH THE COOKIES)

TONY
Now let's see...food.

(AS TONY BEGINS TO GATHER THE DINNER INGREDIENTS, ANGELA ENTERS THE BACK DOOR)

ANGELA
Hi, hi.

TONY
Hey, Angela.

ANGELA
So, how was Billy's first day?

TONY
He played a few games, made some friends, met some girls. Oh, wait a minute. That was my day.

ANGELA
Cute. Where is he?

TONY
In the living room reading his book.

ANGELA
His first school book. I wish I had my camera. Let's go take a look.

TONY
You know, I've almost forgotten how great it is to watch a kid experiencing the joy of learning for the first time.

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM

(BILLY IS TEARING THE PAGES FROM HIS BOOK AND TOSSING THEM AWAY. TONY AND ANGELA PEEK IN FOR A BEAT, THEN ENTER THE LIVING ROOM)

TONY
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?

BILLY
Nothing.

TONY
Nothing? There's an awful lot of nothing all over the place here. Now stop that.

(BILLY STOPS)

ANGELA
Billy, sweetheart, you don't tear the pages out of books. Books are to be cared for, respected, treasured.

TONY
That's right. Now what's the matter? Didn't you like the ending?

(BILLY NODS "YES")

TONY (CONT'D)
Then why are you destroying it? You've got to bring it back to school tomorrow.

BILLY
I'm not going. I quit.

TONY
You quit? Why? What happened?

(BILLY SHRUGS)

ANGELA
Billy, look at me. There's no problem too big or too small that wek can't talk about and solve together, okay?

BILLY
Okay.

TONY
Good. Now, tell us. What's the matter?

BILLY
Nothing.

(SAM ENTERS FROM LAUNDRY ROOM AND SEES THE PAPER MESS)

SAMANTHA
A "thumb's down" on the book, huh?

ANGELA
Sam, something's happening here.

TONY
What it is ain't exactly clear.

SAMANTHA
My guess is that this destructive behavior is the manifestation of inner unfulfilled emotional and/or physical desires.

(TONY AND ANGELA LOOK AT SAM FOR A BEAT)

TONY
You had Psych 101 today, didn't you?

SAMANTHA
It shows, huh?

(SAM EXITS TO LAUNDRY ROOM)

ANGELA
Now Billy...

(MONA ENTERS FROM KITCHEN)

MONA
I'm hungry.

TONY
I'll start dinner as soon as we find out why Billy tore up his book.

MONA
That's what's holding things up?
(TO BILLY)
Look, kid. Cough up an explanation 'cause when I'm hungry, I get real cranky. So spill it.

BILLY
They were mean to me.

MONA
There. Problem solved. Let's eat.

(MONA EXITS TO KITCHEN)

ANGELA
(TO BILLY)
Who was mean to you?

BILLY
Kids at school. They don't want to play with me.

TONY
Why not?

BILLY
They said they didn't like me.

TONY
Didn't like you?

TONY (CONT'D)
(THEN)
I think I know what's going on here, Angela.

ANGELA
What?

TONY
Snobbery. Just like Sam ran into when we first came here. All because she was from Brooklyn, remember?

ANGELA
Yes. But maybe this was a misunderstanding. You know how kids are.

TONY
You bet I do. That's why first thing tomorrow I'm going to have a little talk with Ms. Adams.
(THEN)
A teacher wearing shorts at school. None of my teachers ever wore shorts to school.
(THINKING ABOUT THIS)
Thank god.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR

INT. PRE-SCHOOL - THE NEXT MORNING

(MS. ADAMS IS TALKING TO SOME OF THE KIDS. TONY AND BILLY ENTER. BILLY WALKS OFF. TONY APPROACHES MS. ADAMS)

MS. ADAMS
Mr. Micelli. How are we today?

TONY
"We" are not good, Ms. Adams. Not good at all. What kind of pre-school are you running here?

MS. ADAMS
Well, it's primarily four-year olds, but occasionally...

TONY
I'm talking about what the kids are learning here. I'm talking about snobbery.

MS. ADAMS
Snobbery?

TONY
Exactly. It's real easy to look down your nose at the new kid and be mean because he's not from around here.

MS. ADAMS
The other children were mean to Billy?

TONY
Yeah. And if this is the kind of atmosphere you foster here, then maybe this isn't the pre-school for our sweet Billy.

MS. ADAMS
I'm sure we can get to the bottom of this, Mr. Micelli. Please come with me.

(SHE TAKES TONY'S HAND. THEY APPROACH BILLY)

MS. ADAMS (CONT'D)
Billy, is it true some of the other children were mean to you?

(BILLY NODS "YES." TONY GLOATS, VINDICATED)

MS. ADAMS (CONT'D)
Can you tell me who?

(JOEY WALKS BY. BILLY HIDES BEHIND TONY)

TONY
Joey?

(BILLY NODS "YES")

TONY (CONT'D)
Of course. He fits the bully profile to a T. He's bigger, stronger, and probably has a rap sheet as long as... well, both his arms.

MS. ADAMS
Joey, would you come here please?

(JOEY CROSSES)

MS. ADAMS (CONT'D)
Now Joey...

TONY
No offense, Ms. Adams, but I think I've had a little more experience in these matters.

MS. ADAMS
Please.

TONY
(GENTLY)
Hi, Joey. Remember me?

(JOEY NODS "YES")

TONY (CONT'D)
Good. Now, what's going on between you and Billy? I heard you said something mean to him. Is that true?

JOEY
Yes.

TONY
Now why did you do that?

JOEY
He hit me in the head.

TONY
Now Joey, it's not nice to fib.

JOEY
I'm not. Look.
(HE SHOWS TONY A SLIGHT BRUISE ON HIS HEAD)

TONY
(TO BILLY)
You hit him in the head?

JOEY
With a brick.

TONY
With a brick?!
(JOEY HANDS TONY A TOY BRICK)
Oh.

MS. ADAMS
I take it Billy will be staying?

(TONY SMILES WANLY. MS. ADAMS WALKS OFF)

TONY
Billy, why did you hit Joey?

BILLY
I don't know.

TONY
Do you guys want to be friends or not?

JOEY
If he doesn't hit me with a brick.

TONY
You won't do that, will you, Billy?

(BILLY SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO")

TONY (CONT'D)
Okay, then. Tell Joey you're sorry, and shake hands.

BILLY
I'm sorry.

(THE BOYS SHAKE HANDS. JOEY WALKS OFF)

TONY
All right. That's more like it.

(ANOTHER BOY WALKS BY. BILLY HIDES BEHIND TONY)

TONY (CONT'D)
What...you hit him with a brick, too?

BILLY
No.

TONY
Good. You had me going there for a second.

BILLY
A truck.

TONY
A -- !? Come on. Let's go apologize.

(AS THEY WALK, A LITTLE GIRL WALKS BY. BILLY HIDES BEHIND TONY)

TONY (CONT'D)
Oh no.
(BILLY NODS "YES")
Is there anybody here you didn't hit?

(BILLY POINTS TO A BOY)

TONY (CONT'D)
Why not? Run out of weapons?

BILLY
He wasn't here yesterday.

(TONY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH)

TONY
I have a feeling I'm going to miss my first class. Come on.

(AS THEY CROSS, WE:)

FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
SCENE ONE

FADE IN:
INT. KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY

(THE TABLE IS SET FOR DINNER. TONY EPMTIES THE DISHWASHER AND EXAMINES A GLASS)

TONY
Spots. Great. That's the last time I use a detergent with a Dalmation on the label.

(ANGELA AND MONA ENTER BACK DOOR)

TONY
Hey, Angela, Mona.

ANGELA
Hi. So did you find out why the kids were mean to Billy?

TONY
Yeah. He hit them.

ANGELA
What?

TONY
And not just one or two kids. I'm talking the whole class. With bricks, a truck, even a Mr. Rogers lunchbox.

ANGELA
But why would he do that?

TONY
He wouldn't tell me. All I know is if we're not careful, this kid's going to end up in a tower somewhere squinting through crosshairs.

MONA
I wouldn't worry about it.

ANGELA
Why? Do you think it's just a phase?

MONA
How would I know? I just said I wouldn't worry about it. I didn't saw anything about you.

SFX: KNOCK ON BACK DOOR

(TONY ANSWERS IT. PETER ENTERS, WEARING A DICK TRACY OVERCOAT AND HAT)

TONY
Hi, Peter.

PETER
(RE: COSTUME)
What do you think?

TONY
You look just like that Beatty guy.

PETER
Warren?

TONY
Ned.

(TONY LAUGHS)

ANGELA
Oh, Peter. The costume party. I'm so sorry. I forgot all about it.

PETER
There's still time to chane into that ravishing Breathless Mahoney.

(MONA GETS UP TO LEAVE)

MONA
You mean "Breastless" Mahoney.

ANGELA
Thank you, Mother...

MONA
What'd you want me to say? "Fla Top?"
(SHE CRACKS UP, EXITS)

ANGELA
I'll be right with you.
(TO TONY)
So what did Ms. Adams say about all this, or did Billy hit her, too?

TONY
She suggested we go to this parenting class next Saturday.

ANGELA
A parenting class/ After all the experience we've had raising our kids?

TONY
That's exactly what I told her. That experience is the best teacher.

ANGELA
Absolutely.

TONY
Which is why I knew exactly how to handle this. I told Billy that there'd be consequences for what he did. So no TV.

ANGELA
Oh.

TONY
(QUICKLY SOFTENING)
I was too hard on him, wasn't I?

ANGELA
Well...

TONY
I knew it. I knew i went too far. Why didn't I stop at "no more Nick at Nite."

ANGELA
Tony, I think that instead of telling him "no" that it's more important he feels like he's part of our family first, like he's really ours.

(AT THIS AND DURING THE FOLLOWING, UNSEEN BY TONY OR ANGELA, PETER QUIETLY SLIPS OUT THE BACK DOOR)

TONY
Maybe just "no more Chuck Woolery." Oh, I don't know.

ANGELA
And maybe that's why he's testing us. He's looking for reassurance, security, stability. He needs to know that no matter what he does, we'll still love him.

TONY
I think you're right, Angela. And, actually, I think he may have understood that when I explained why it's wrong to hit somebody.

JONATHAN (O.S.)
Ow!

(TONY AND ANGELA LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A BEAT, THEN RUN TO THE LIVING ROOM)

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM

(BILLY IS HOLDING HIS WIFFLEBAT AND JONATHAN IS HOLDING HIS HEAD. TONY AND ANGELA RUSH IN TO BILLY'S SIDE)

TONY
It's okay, Slugger.

ANGELA
It's all right, sweetheart.

JONATHAN
Hey! What about the sluggee? I'm the one who got hit.

(A BEAT. TONY AND ANGELA RUN TO JONATHAN)

ANGELA
Jonathan, I'm sorry.

TONY
Are you okay, pal?

JONATHAN
Yeah. I guess.

ANGELA
Good.

(THEY RUN BACK TO COMFORT BILLY)

JONATHAN
Whatever happened to victim's rights?

(HE RUBS HIS HEAD AS HE EXITS UPSTAIRS. AS TONY AND ANGELA CONSOLE BILLY:)

TONY
(TO ANGELA)
The class starts at two.

ANGELA
I'll be there.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO
SCENE TWO

INT. PRE-SCHOOL CLASSROOM - SATURDAY AFTERNOON

(FOLDING CHAIRS FACE THE BLACKBOARD. A TABLE, WITH PAMPHLETS, AND TWO CHAIRS ARE AT THE HEAD OF THE CLASS. SEVERAL PARENTS ARE MULLING ABOUT. TONY AND ANGELA ENTER)

TONY
I don't know about these so-called "parenting experts," Angela. A lot of them never even had kids.

(ANGELA PICKS UP A PAMPHLET AND READS)

ANGELA
"Doctors Her and Willa Matthews have five children, four of whom are now successful physicians."

TONY
Okay, but what about child number five, huh? Where's he? In Jail?

ANGELA
(STILL READING)
"The Matthews' other child was nominated for the Nobel Prize for Literature."

TONY
Sure, "nominated." But did he win?

(CHRIS AND DIANE, A MARRIED COUPLE TONY'S AND ANGELA'S AGE, APPROACH)

CHRIS
Heck of a way to spend a Saturday.

TONY
Yeah.

CHRIS
But when your kid gets beaten up by a bully at school, you've got no choice.

ANGELA
That's terrible.

TONY
When a school can't even protect our kids, something's wrong somewhere.

DIANE
Tell me about it. Jeffrey's only four years old. He just started pre-school.

ANGELA
(SUSPECTING)
Which pre-school is Jeffrey in?

DIANE
The Fourth Street Pre-school. Are you familiar with it?

TONY
Uh, yeah. It's the...one on Fourth Street.

DIANE
Right. Oh, Honey, there's Laurie and Greg. I'm going to say hello.

DIANE (CONT'D)
(TO TONY AND ANGELA)
See you later.

(DIANE WALKS OFF)

CHRIS
So what about your kid? Why're you here?

TONY
Oh, it's just the usual kid stuff. Well, nice talking to you.

(BEFORE THEY CAN GET AWAY, DIANE COMES BACK WITH GREG AND LAURIE -- THE PARENT TONY AND ANGELA MET IN MS. ADAMS' CLASS. TONY, ANGELA AND LAURIE RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER)

LAURIE
You!

TONY
(TRYING TO COVER)
Nice to see you again.

ANGELA
How is little Joey?

LAURIE
Recovering, thank you.
(TO CHRIS, DIANE AND GREG)
These are Billy's parents.

CHRIS
Your son's the bully who hit our Kevin?

GREG
And our Wesley?

TONY
I don't know. I didn't get all the kids' names.

DIANE
(CALLING, POINTING TO TONY AND ANGELA)
Hey, everybody! These are Billy's parents.

(SEVERAL OTHER DISGRUNTLED PARENTS GATHER AROUND)

CHRIS
You two should get professional help.

TONY
That's kind of why we're here.

DIANE
What about a shrink? Maybe you can get a family discount.

ANGELA
Three for the price of two, huh?

GREG
Or how about a straight jacket? They must come in children's sizes.

TONY
(TAKING A STEP FORWARD)
Hey, now wait a minute.

GREG
Don't hit me! Don't hit me!

DIANE
It's obvious where Billy learned his belligerent behavior.

SFX: KNOCK ON THE TABLE

HERB
If you'll all take your seats, we can get started.

(EVERYONE WAITS TO SEE WHERE TONY AND ANGELA SIT. THEN THEY SIT NEAR, BUT NOT NEXT TO THEM)

HERB (CONT'D)
Welcome to Positive Parenting. I'm Herb Matthews and this is my wife Willa. Tonight we will discuss a few basic types of children.

WILLA
(AS SHE WRITES ON THE BLACKBOARD, TONY STARTS TO TAKE NOTES)
To start, there's the introvert.

TONY AND ANGELA
(TO EACH OTHER)
That's Billy.

WILLA
...the temperamental...

TONY AND ANGELA
(TO EACH OTHER)
That's Billy.

WILLA
...the oppositional...

TONY AND ANGELA
(TO EACH OTHER)
That's Billy.

CHRIS
(LEANING OVER TO TONY AND ANGELA)
When they get to "Psychopathic," that's Billy.

HERB
Now because we live in a negative society children often act with aggression, sometimes hitting others.

(TONY SHAKES HIS PEN. IT'S EMPTY)

TONY
Oh great. I wanted to write that down.

(SEVERAL PARENTS TOSS PENS ONTO TONY'S DESK)

TONY (CONT'D)
(TO ANGELA, RE: PENS)
I'm keeping every one of these.

HERB
Now hitting usually means the child is being told "no" too often.

ANGELA
(SMUGLY TO TONY)
I had a feeling.

(ANGELA RAISES HER HAND)

WILLA
Yes?

ANGELA
(CONFIDENTLY)
So positive parenting means giving unconditional live.

WILLA
Not necessarily.

(TONY SMILES SMUGLY TO ANGELA)

TONY
I had a feeling.

WILLA
We are constantly told "no," "don't," "can't." So we have to learn to express ourselves positively, especially to our children. For example, how would you express "No parking" positively?

TONY
"Don't park here."

HERB
You said "don't." That's negative.

ANGELA
"You can't park here."

HERB
You said "can't." That's negative.

WILLA
How about: "park elsewhere."

(TONY AND ANGELA LOOK AT EACH OTHER: THE ANSWER!)

TONY
"Park elsewhere." Not bad.

GREG
(TO TONY)
You said "not."

TONY
That's it, Angela. Tomorrow I'm givng Billy a real brick.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO
SCENE THREE

EXT. PORCH -LATER, AFTER CLASS

(TONY AND ANGELA WALK UP THE STEPS TO THE PORCH AND STOP)

TONY
Okay, now no negatives. No no's, no can'ts, no don'ts.

ANGELA
Absolutely not.

(TONY GIVES HER A LOOK)

TONY
Have we learned nothing today?

ANGELA
Sorry.

(THEY EACH TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND OPEN THE FRONT DOOR)

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM

(TONY AND ANGELA ENTER. THEY SEE BILLY USING A BROOMSTICK TO TRY TO GET A KNICK-KNACK DOWN FROM THE FIREPLACE MANTEL)

TONY
no!

ANGELA
Don't!

TONY
I mean, uh, broomstick elsewhere!

(BILLY IGNORES THEM. MONA ENTERS FROM UPSTAGE DOOR. THEN, TO BILLY:)

MONA
Stop that.

(BILLY STOPS WHAT HE'S DOING)

TONY
(TO ANGELA)
I won't tell Herb and Willa if you won't.

(ANGELA "LOCKS" HER LIPS)

MONA
Sow how was your parenting class? Learn anything?

TONY
Oh, you know how first classes are. Nothing much gets done.

ANGELA
(CHANGING THE SUBJECT)
So Billy...what did you do today?

BILLY
I learned a joke. Three people are on a plane. A priest, a rabbi and a call girl...

TONY
That's all right, Billy.

BILLY
So the priest says to the call girl...

ANGELA
(TO BILLY)
Don't...I mean, it's not necessary to...

TONY
We'll hear it some other time, okay?

BILLY
Okay.

(BILLY EXITS UPSTAIRS)

ANGELA
Mother, is that your idea of babysitting? Telling dirty jokes?

MONA
Hey, we had a great time. He got me my slippers. And a cold drink. Then a snack. And you know, with that kid around you don't need the TV remote.

TONY
Mona...

MONA
Ok, like I have a lot in common with a four-year old rug rat.
(SHE EXITS THE UPSTAGE DOOR)

TONY
Next time we ask for references.

(FROM UPSTAIRS, BILLY ENTERS DRAGGING A CARDBOARD BOX OF TOYS DOWN THE STAIRS)

TONY (CONT'D)
Where're you going with those, Champ?

BILLY
I'm moving to Mona's.

TONY
Why? What's wrong with living here?

BILLY
I like Mona better.
(HE EXITS UPSTAGE DOOR, DRAGGING THE BOX BEHIND HIM)

TONY
Billy...you can't...uh, don't...I mean, I won't allow...
(THEN, WAVING)
Have a nice time.

ANGELA
Tony...

TONY
He'll be back. Guaranteed.

(SAM ENTERS THE FRONT DOOR)

SAMANTHA
Hey, everybody.

(THEY AD-LIB HELLOS)

SAMANTHA (CONT'D)
Can you believe it? Forty girls in the same building and not one of them has hot rollers.

TONY
No one said college would be easy.

SAMANTHA
But now that I'm here I may as well call Matt. It'll be cheaper than from the dorm.
(SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS)

TONY
It's always cheaper using Pa Bell.

(BILLY ENTERS FROM THE UPSTAGE DOOR)

ANGELA
Billy, you're back.

BILLY
I forgot something.

(BILLY HEADS UPSTAIRS)

TONY
(OFF ANGELA'S LOOK)
Hey, he came back, didn't he?

SFX: FRONT DOOR BELL

(TONY ANSWERS THE DOOR TO PETER, WHO IS DRESSED IN BICYCLE SPANDEX SHORTS, SHOES, SHIRT AND HELMET)

TONY
Hey, Peter. Angela, your ride's here.

(PETER SEES SHE ISN'T READY)

PETER
Not again.

ANGELA
Peter, I'm sorry. But we've got a little problem here.
(TO TONY)
Maybe we haven't shown Billy enough love.

TONY
We've been doing everything we can to show him we love him. He goes to the best pre-school, the best arts and crafts class, the best music appreciation class...

PETER
Weren't you discussing this same thing a few days ago? You really should get some sleep.

ANGELA
Peter, I'm sorry. I can't go.

PETER
Angela, I may be wrong, but I thought you and I had somehting going on here.

ANGELA
We do.

PETER
I thought we were important.

ANGELA
We are. But so is this. And I can't pick up and go riding right now.

PETER
Well, then, when?

ANGELA
I don't know.

PETER
I see. Well, look. When you get this all squared away, give me a call.

(ANGELA WATCHES AS HE TURNS AND EXITS, CLOSING THE FRONT DOOR BEHIND HIM. A BEAT)

TONY
You okay?

ANGELA
Me? Oh, yeah. I'm fine. I'll give him a call as soon as things calm down a bit around here.

TONY
Yeah.

(THEY EXCHANGE A KNOWING LOOK. BEFORE EITHER ONE CAN SAY ANYTHING, MONA BURSTS IN THE UPSTAGE DOOR, CARRYING THE BOX THAT BILLY DRAGGED UP TO HER PLACE)

MONA
We've got a problem.
(SHE DROPS THE BOX ON THE FLOOR)

TONY
Don't worry. He's not moving in.

(BILLY ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS CARRYING MORE TOYS)

MONA
Tell him that.

(BILLY SEES THE BOX MONA BROUGHT BACK. HE SHRUGS, THEN DROPS THE NEW TOYS IN THE BOX AND BEGINS DRAGGING IT TO THE UPSTAGE DOOR)

MONA (CONT'D)
Hold it, bub.
(MONA STOPS BILLY)
You're not going anywhere.

BILLY
I want to live with you.

TONY
Get in line.

ANGELA
I'm sorry, Mother, we don't know why he's been acting so strangely.

MONA
You want to know why he's got problems? Then I'll tell you: arts and crafts classes, music appreciation classes, aerobics classes...it's too much.

TONY
What's wrong with wanting him to be well-rounded.

MONA
He's four eyars old! He just found his thumb three years ago!

TONY
Well, then, now's the time to use it.

MONA
Look. You know what the two of us really did today? Nothing. And he loved it.

ANGELA
You think we should cut back on some of his classes?

MONA
No. Cut out all of them. Lighten up. Relax. Let him be a kid.

(TONY AND ANGELA LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A BEAT, THEN)

TONY
She's right. We have been pushing him too hard.
(THEN)
Hey! I've got a great idea, Billy! Let's go to the park!

MONA
I give up.

TONY
And you know what we're going to do there? Abosolutely nothing! How's that sound, huh?

ANGELA
So what do you say? Wan to come?

BILLY
No.

TONY
Okay. Suit yourself. But it won't be as much fun without you.

(TONY AND ANGELA EXIT. THE DOOR CLOSES)

CUT TO:
EXT. PORCH

(TONY AND ANGELA ARE WAITING, LISTENING FOR BILLY'S FOOTSTEPS. THEY WHISPER)

ANGELA
He's coming.

TONY
Yeah. Any second now, this door is going to fly open and there he'll be.

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

(BILLY LOOKS AT MONA AND SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO." MONA SHRUGS. BILLY HEADS UPSTAIRS AND EXITS. MONA HEADS TO UPSTAGE DOOR AND EXITS)

ANGELA (V.O.)
I can hear his footsteps.

TONY (V.O.)
Any second now...any second...

FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO