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95. Sleep Talk, Sweet Talk [ - ]
by folle
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Transcript from the broadcast version of Sleep Talk, Sweet Talk.

Who's the Boss?
Episode #95 - Sleep Talk, Sweet Talk

Scene One: Kitchen. Tony sitting at the table talking to Samantha.

Tony: 28…29…30…How’s this, how’s this? It’s somebody’s birthday, I wonder who? It’s Angela Bower’s and she looking almost as good as new!

Sam: (laughs)

Tony: I can’t wait until Friday to yell “surprise”!

Sam: Dad, will you forget it. You know how Angela snoops around when her birthday’s coming. She’s going to find out. Especially with that immature little blabbermouth in this house.

Tony: No way, Mona says she won’t talk.

(audience laughter)

Sam: Well, I guess I’d better go help Mona move in!

Tony: Move in where?

Sam: Here! She’s bunking with me while her apartment is being painted. If that’s ok with you…

Tony: Yeah, well, what if it’s not!

Sam: Then she takes your room, and you get the couch.

Tony: Go help your roomie.

(audience laughter)

Sam: All right!

(Sam exits, Angela enters)

Tony: Hello Angela.

Angela: Uhm, Tony, what day is tomorrow?

Tony: Uhm, Thursday.

Angela: Ohh! Well then, the day after that would be Friday. Friday the 20th!

Tony: Oh! Thanks for reminding me.

Angela: About what?

Tony: I got to clean out the garage on Saturday. Saturday the 21st!

(audience laughter)

Angela: Oh. Did I mention I went shopping today?

Tony: Ah, no. Where’d you go?

Angela: Oh, the usual. Bloomingdales, Saks, Bonnwiths…Hallmark.

(audience laughter)

Tony: Oh, gosh, I knew I forgot something!

(Angela looks up at Tony, hopeful)

Tony: Bloomie’s is having a great sale on sweat socks.

Angela: Anyway, the strangest image popped into my head when I was on the way home. It was a forest. And the…ground was chocolate fudge cake…

Tony: …umhm..umhm…

Angela: (gesturing) …and the animals were all wearing little cone hats…

(audience laughter)

Angela: …and the trees had flaming tops.

Tony: How many trees?

Angela: (coy) Late 20ish…

(Mona and Sam enter carrying stereo speakers)

Mona: Relax Sam, I am not going to tell about Angela’s party! (turns and sees Angela)

Tony: Why, you immature little blabbermouth!

Angela: Aww! You didn’t forget!

Sam: Yeah, it was Dad’s idea.

Angela: Aww, how did you know I wanted a surprise party!?!

Tony: (annoyed) You told me last year on your birthday.

Angela: Aww, and you remembered!

Tony: Angela, please, stop ‘aww’ing! (to Mona) And you. Weeks and weeks of planning and all for naught.

Mona: Well, she doesn’t know about the sweater you bought her!

Tony: (gesturing to strangle Mona) Why you…

Scene Two: Nighttime in the Bower house, upstairs hall between the bedrooms. Angela is talking in her sleep.

Angela: Tony…Tony…

(Tony comes upstairs in his robe, carrying a midnight snack from the kitchen)

Angela: Tony!

(Tony turns around to listen, then walks over to Angela’s door)

Tony: Angela? Are you all right?

Angela: (seductively) Ohhhhh Tony…

Tony: I guess so!

Angela: Oh, Tony!

Tony: Hmm. (Tony enters his bedroom)

Scene Three: The next morning in the living room. Jonathan is gathering his books for school when Angela enters.

Angela: (to Jon) Good morning. How’s my favorite guy?

Jon: Tired.

Angela: What, did you have trouble falling asleep?

Jon: No. I had trouble staying asleep. You kept calling Tony’s name.

Angela: (taken aback) What? Calling for Tony? Oh, no honey, you must have been dreaming!

Jon: Uhm, no, I don’t think so. It sounded like…(seductively) …‘Tony’…

(audience laughter)

Angela: I couldn’t have…

Jon: …‘ohhh, Tony’.

Angela: (embarrassed) I get the picture. Uhm, you know, I just remembered. I did call Tony’s name last night. My window was stuck. I couldn’t get it open.

Jon: (looks at her, confused)

(Sam enters)

Sam: Good morning Angela. (to Jon) Come on Poptart, we’re going to miss the bus.

Jon: Ok. Uhm, Mom, why would you want your window open when it was freezing outside?

Angela: Because…cold air is good for you. (leaning over to zip Jonathan’s jacket) Zip up.

(audience laughter)

Angela: Bye bye, have a good day.

Sam: Bye.

(Sam and Jon exit out the front door)

Scene Four: Angela enters the kitchen where Tony is cleaning up after breakfast.

Tony: Morning Angela. What’s your pleasure?

Angela: Why? What do you mean?

Tony: Nothing, I mean what do you want for breakfast? Are you ok?

Angela: Just coffee, and I’m, I’m fine. Actually, I didn’t sleep very well last night. Did you?

Tony: Me? I slept like a log.

Angela: Oh, so you didn’t hear any strange noises.

Tony: Like what?

Angela: Like, ah, Jonathan talking in his sleep. I think he said something about wanting a pony.

(audience laughter)

Tony: Pony…Nah, but once this hear hits the pillow it’s all over, you know what I mean? I’m talking lights out, zzz-city. Goodnight Mrs. Calabash!

Angela: Well, good. I guess I’d better get going. Have a nice day.

Tony: You too.

(Angela exits, then reenters)

Angela: Tony, what if Jonathan sleep talks again?

Tony: Well, I’m sure he won’t, but if he does, I know how to stop it.

Angela: Oh?

Tony: Yeah, yeah, I used to have this teammate, Big Ted O’Brien. He started sleep talking about this lady fan, you know, and he was afraid that Mrs. Big Ted would find out.

Angela: What did he do?

Tony: He went to the team doctor, he gave him the cure. Exercise, hot bath, warm milk, right before bed.

Angela: Did it work?

Tony: No, no, his wife caught them warming up in the bull pen.

(audience laughter)

Angela: Did it work for the sleep talking?

Tony: Oh, yeah, like a charm.

Angela: Ahh, I think I’ll draw a hot bath tonight. For Jonathan.

Tony: Ahh.

Angela: Well, bye.

Tony: Bye.

Angela: Bye.

Scene Five: The next night. Mona and Sam are coming downstairs for a midnight snack, hair in rollers.

Mona: OK, now, we grab all the food, we grab the food, we stuff our faces, we talk about boys all night long, and then we tell your Dad we went to sleep at ten o’clock.

Sam: Mona, you are such a bad influence! We’ve got to do this more often.

(audience laughter. Sam and Mona approach the kitchen door. There’s noise in the kitchen)

Sam: Shh! Shh! Did you hear that? Maybe it’s a burglar.

Mona: I hope not. I look a wreck!

(Sam and Mona enter the kitchen where Angela is doing jumping jacks. She’s got a towel wrapped around her head, and there’s a glass of milk on the table. Angela turns around, sees them and screams)

Angela: (out of breath) Hi, what are you doing here?

Mona: (in a robotic voice) We are here to…pillage and plunder.

(audience laughter)

Sam: (laughing) What are you doing, jumping up and down?

Angela: Oh, was I jumping up and down? Guess I’m just all revved up about my birthday.

Mona: Angela, I think your turban’s wound too tight.

(audience laughter)

Sam: Bye Angela, time to go oink out.

Mona: Goodnight dear, sweet dreams!

(Sama and Mona exit through the kitchen door)

Angela: I’ll settle for quiet ones.

Scene Six: Later that night in the upstairs hall between the bedrooms.

Angela: Tony, Tony!

(Jonathan enters the hall from his bedroom)

Jon: Oh, I guess the window’s stuck again.

(audience laughter)

Angela: Tony, Tony!

(Tony comes out of his room, as do Sam and Mona. They’re all standing in the hall listening to Angela)

Angela: Listen to me!

Mona: We’re listening!

Tony: All right, all right now, come on now, she’s probably just having a bad dream.

Angela: (laughs in her sleep, seductively)

Sam: Doesn’t sound so bad to me.

Tony: Ok, ok, come on, come on, let’s go back to bed. Come on, let’s go. Come on, the excitement’s over, break it up. Come on.

(Mona, Sam, Jonathan & Tony head back to their rooms)

Angela: Tony! I love you!

(audience surprise)

Tony: (to Mona, Sam & Jonathan) Pancakes for breakfast?

Scene Seven: The next morning in the kitchen. Tony is serving pancakes to Sam and Jonathan.

Jon: Why did Mom say that about you last night?

Tony: Hey, hey maybe we’re jumping to conclusions here, huh?! How do we even know that Angela was talking about me? Angela knows a lot of other Tonys.

Sam: (skeptical) Like who?

Tony: Well, uh, Tony Bennett, Tony Randall, Tony, Tony the mechanic!

Sam: Huh, his name is Julio.

Tony: All right, all right, so maybe it was me, huh. All right, maybe it was me. But you know, I mean maybe Angela’s just carried away because I’m throwing her a party. (to Jonathan) You know how your mother gets about parties. Sentimental overload!

Sam: Feeble, Dad.

Tony: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. What did Angela really say last night, huh? She loves me. So what, huh? I love her. (to the kids) Just like I love you and I love you and I love Mona! This is a very loving household. Understand?

Jon: No.

Sam: Dad, it’s ok, I’m really happy for you. And if things all work out, I have dibs on your room.

(audience laughter)

Jon: Are you saying what I think you’re saying?

Sam: Yeah! Your Mom has it bad for my Dad!

Tony: Samantha!

Sam: And my Dad has cocker spaniel eyes for your Mom.

Tony: Excuse me, but nobody has it bad for anyone. And there are no dog eyes in this house except for Grover’s!

Sam: Sure Dad.

Tony: All right, all right, so Angela thinks I’m a terrific man. I think she’s a terrific woman. And that’s it. We’re both terrific people. Over and out. And, if anything should happen to change, you two will be the first to know.

Jon: If Mom talks any louder, the neighbors will be the first to know!

(audience laughter)

Tony: Hardee, har, har, listen. Nobody’s gonna know nothin’ because what you heard last night, was Angela’s very private thoughts. And I think we should, we should respect that privacy. Now, I don’t think we should say anything.

Sam: (to Jonathan) Lie.

Tony: (to Samantha) Samantha! (to Jonathan) Lie.

(audience laughter)

Scene Eight: Angela is in the foyer checking for wrinkles in the hall mirror. Jonathan and Samantha enter from the kitchen.

Jon: Uh, oh.

Sam: Jonathan…one peep put of you and your lizard’s a watchband!

(audience laughter)

Angela: Well hi, sweethearts!

Jon: Hi Mom.

Sam: Hi Angela. Hmm, great dress!

Angela: Thank you. Isn’t there something else you want to say?

Sam: Oh, yeah! Nice doo.

Angela: Nah, I was expecting to hear “Happy Birthday, I love you”.

Jon: (hugging Angela) Oh, that! Happy birthday Mom, I love you.

Sam: (hugging Angela) Happy birthday Angela, I love you too. In fact, this is one very loving household.

(audience laughter)

Angela: Yeah, we are one lucky bunch aren’t we? (to Jonathan) So sweetheart, how did you sleep last night?

Jon: Ah, last night? (looks over to Sam) Oh, I slept like a log. I think I even snored. (makes snoring noises).

Angela: Well, that’s wonderful. See you tonight at the birthday fest! (kisses Jonathan, waves kisses at Sam)

Sam: Bye.

(Angela exits to the kitchen)

Sam: (to Jonathan) You did good kid. Only next time, lost the snoring bit.

Scene Nine: Tony is in the kitchen making chocolate fudge cake. Mona enters from her apartment, excited.

Tony: Hey, Mona, how’s the painting going?

Mona: Don’t change the subject! Dish me the dirt about last night.

Tony: Mona, if you don’t mind, I’d rather not talk about it.

Mona: All right, all right. Mr. Sensitive…Not another word…Not even in my sleep.

(audience laughter. Angela enters)

Tony: Oh, hey Mone, look who it is. Hit it!

(Tony and Mona sing)

Tony & Mona: It’s somebody’s birthday I wonder who, it’s somebody right in this room near you. So look all around you until you see who, is laughing is smiling my goodness it’s you!

(Tony, Mona, Angela and the audience clap enthusiastically)

Angela: Ah, ah, ah, you guys!

Tony: All right, all right, what does the birthday girl want for her birthday breakfast? Birthday omelet, birthday pancakes? Birthday French toast?

Angela: No, I’ll have some birthday coffee with a little birthday milk.

Tony: Oh, well the birthday sugar is right on the table.

Angela: Thank you!

Mona: I think I’m going to have a birthday barf. Angela, I have a special present for you.

Angela: Oh, mother, you shouldn’t have. What is it?

Mona: I’m not going to the office today.

Angela: You always know what I want.

Mona: Well, I have to keep my eye on those painters in my apartment. One of them works without a shirt on.

Tony: Well, that’s because you’ve got the thermostat jacked up to 90.

Mona: Yeah. I wonder what he’d take off at 100.

(audience laughter)

Angela: Oh, ok. Tony, I’m going to leave you to your party preparations. (to Mona) I’m going to leave you to your cheap thrills. And I’ll see you at 6.

Tony: Ok, hey, don’t be late. Remember, it’s a surprise party!

Angela: I know!

(Angela exits)

Mona: OK, now, where were we?

Tony: You were prying and I was ignoring.

Mona: I bet I win.

Tony: Look, Mona, if I were you, I’d forget about what you heard last night. Cause you know, listening to Angela sleep talk is just as bad as reading her mail.

Mona: So what, I do that too!

(audience laughter)

Scene Ten: Contemporaneous with the scene in the kitchen. Angela is in the living room, and walks over to the kitchen door to eavesdrop.

Tony: Mona, she was just sleep talking!

Mona: She was sleep gushing.

(Jonathan enters from the front door in a hurry & sees Angela at the kitchen door listening)

Jon: Hi Mom!

Angela: (startled) Oh, uh, Jonathan what are you doing here?

Jon: I forgot my homework. The bus is waiting.

Angela: Oh, I was looking for my keys.

Jon: (picks them up off the table by his homework). Well, here they are. Oh, by the way, you can hear better if you tilt your head.

(audience laughter. Jonathan exits. Angela tilts her head)

Tony: Mona, it was no big deal.

Mona: No big deal! She said she loves you!

Tony: I know, I was there.

Mona: So was I, so were the kids. We all heard it.

Tony: Mona, please, enough.

Mona: Tony, I can’t stop thinking about it. Tell me!

Tony: There’s nothing to tell.

(Angela, embarrassed, quietly gathers her things and leaves through the front door)

Mona: Level with me. You and Angela have some heavy-duty feelings for each other. Right?

Tony: Mona, would you lighten up? This is not the Young and the Restless. Come on here. Angela’s just sleep talking because she ate too much lasagna.

Mona: So what are you going to do about it?

Tony: Use less garlic.

(audience laughter)

Mona: Tony, it’s a tough world out there, and…

Tony: …(mumbles)…

Mona: …good relationships are hard to come by. So if someone says that they love you, even if they’re asleep, go for it. I would!

Tony: Well, that’s you. It’s different with me and Angela.

Mona: Ahh, are you kidding me? There is enough electricity in this house to light up a small city.

Tony: Oh, come on, no way, Mona no way. Well…Maybe Dubuque.

Scene Eleven: The Bower living room, dark. There are life-sized posters of Angela around the room. Sam, Jonathan and Tony have on party hats.

Tony: I can’t understand, where is she? (mumbling to the posters) Where did you go?

Sam: Dad, could I ask a dumb question? Why are we trying to surprise Angela if she already knows about the party?

Tony: Because I planned a surprise party, and that’s what she’s going to get, a surprise party!

(audience laughter)

Sam: Just thought I’d ask.

Tony: Any other questions?

Jon: Yeah, where is she, I’ve been sitting here for a half-hour. Maybe we should cut the cake!

Tony: Don’t you even breathe on that cake! I want everything to be just perfect for Angela!

(Mona enters eating a piece of cake, turns on the lights)

Mona: Boy, this chocolate fudge cake is heaven!

Tony: Oh Mona, how could you do that!

Mona: I didn’t touch any of the letters! (looks at the cake) Uh, oh. Well, so it says “Happy Birthday …ngela”.

Tony: This is the, this is the worst surprise party I ever gave in my whole life. The, the guest of honor doesn’t show up. I’ve got a half eaten cake. And I just broke the rubber band on my hat.

Mona: Where could she be? The answering service said she left the office hours ago.

Sam: Guys, maybe she decided she didn’t want a surprise party.

Jon: No way. Mom was so excited she tried to find out what Grandma and Tony were getting her.

Mona: What do you mean?

Jon: Well, this morning when I came back to get my homework I saw her listening at the kitchen door.

Mona: (to Tony) Uh, oh, trouble.

Tony: All right, all right, all right let’s not overreact. (to Mona) I’ll check all the hospitals, you check 31 Flavors.

Scene Twelve: Angela is in a cheesy Hawaiian theme bar, alone with the bar tender. She’s drinking.

Bartender: Here you go.

Angela: Thanks. (to herself) Happy birthday Angela, it’s just you and me kid.

Bartender: Troubles lady?

Angela: I can’t believe what I did. I was talking in my sleep. And I said I love my housekeeper and everybody heard me.

Bartender: You love your housekeeper? This aint that kind of bar lady.

(audience laughter)

Angela: No, no you don’t understand. My housekeeper’s a man. And I can never face him again.

Bartender: That’s really humiliating. This one’s on the house.

Angela: Right now my family’s throwing me a party, but I’m too embarrassed to go. Do you think I’m a horrible person?

Bartender: Uh, shouldn’t you be telling this to a shrink?

Angela: I tried. She’s on vacation.

Bartender: Mine always leaves an emergency number.

Angela: Yo, Joe, give me another belt. Make it a double.

Bartender: Ok, another virgin tequila sunrise coming up.

(audience laughter)

Bartender: Hey lady, you, ahh, sure you don’t want anything stronger?

Angela: Oh no, I’m I’m fine. The grenadine is really starting to kick in. I’m feeling a lot better.

Bartender: Lady, uh, if you’re so crazy about this guy, how come you haven’t said so when you’re awake?

Angela: Because I…I don’t know.

Bartender: Well, it’s obvious to me, your subconscious is manifesting deep seeded desires, but your conscious self is in a sublimation mode. In lay parlance, you aint ready.

Angela: You must have studied under a great bartender.

(Tony enters the bar, frustrated and relieved)

Tony: This seat taken?

Angela: (turning away, embarrassed) Tony! How did you find me?

Tony: Ah, the Micelli network. First Frank the conductor saw you get off the train in Fairfield. Then I called Al the Fireman and Joe the Policeman and Roxie the Meter Maid to keep an eye out for your Jag.

Angela: Which one of them found me?

Tony: Tony the Housekeeper. I was across the street filling up my van and spotted your car. Angela, what are you doing on this side of town? Mona wouldn’t even come to a place like this!

Bartender: Mona? You know Mona? Great little hula dancer!

Angela: Joe, say aloha to Tony Micelli, my housekeeper.

Bartender: So, you’re the deep seeded desire, huh?

(audience laughter)

Tony: You told him?

Angela: Well, why not? Everybody else knows.

Tony: Angela, we have to talk.

Angela: You don’t have to say anything, I’m fine. I’m perfectly fine. Really.

Bartender: (comes over with a card) Uhm, the number of my shrink.

(audience laughter)

Angela: Uh, thank you (to Tony) Look, Tony, in light of my bedroom blatherings, I uhm, I don’t think our situation is going to work out anymore. One of us has to move. I’ll look for a place in the morning.

(audience laughter)

Tony: Come on, Angela. Nobody’s moving anywhere. And you shouldn’t be embarrassed about last night. You didn’t do anything that I haven’t done. I mean, hey, remember that time I was getting my appendix out? And I, I was under that anesthesia, and I said pretty much close to what you said?

Angela: You said exactly what I said.

Tony: All right, ok, so there you go. We both have, you know, feelings.

Bartender: (from across the room) You two’d make a great couple if you could both stay unconscious.

(audience laughter)

Angela: He has a point Tony.

Tony: Baloney. I don’t have to be unconscious to tell you how I feel.

Angela: You don’t?

Tony: No!

Angela: So…tell me.

Tony: Tell you what?

Angela: How you feel.

Tony: Oh, oh, that. Well, uhm, well Angela, uhm, look, uhm, we know each other a long time and uhm, we live, uhm, down the hall, and uhm, and we’ve shared many…appliances. And uhm, well you know when you’ve been through all of that…Well let me put it another way Angela. It’s a tough world out there. Well, I guess that about wraps it up.

(audience laughter)

Angela: I couldn’t have said it better myself.

(Joe the bartender walks over with a bowl of nuts with a candle in them)

Bartender: Happy birthday to the day’s best customer.

Angela: Oh!

Bartender: Make a wish.

Angela: Thank you! (staring at the candle) When I was a little girl…

Tony: …(grumbles)…

Angela: …I used to stay up all night before my birthday thinking of what I was going to wish. And when I finally decided I made sure I didn’t tell anybody because well, then I was sure that it just wouldn’t come true.

Tony: Angela, Angela, the candle’s melting in the beer nuts.

(audience laughter. Angela blows out the candle with care)

Tony: Hope your wish comes true.

Angela: You do?

Tony: Yes. Happy birthday.

(Tony moves in to hug Angela, holding on to her lingeringly. Audience claps)

Tony: Come on now, let’s get out of here. You got family waiting for you, and a cake that says “Happy Birthday …..la” on it.

Angela: What?

Tony: Never mind, just say goodbye to Joe.

Angela: Goodbye Joe, thanks.

Bartender: Goodnight.

Tony: Hey, uh, Angela…

Angela: Yeah?

Tony: …you ever been to Dubuque?

Angela: Dubuque?

Tony: Nice city. Very well lit.

(Tony & Angela exit)

Scene Thirteen: Later that night in the upstairs hall between the bedrooms, everyone is asleep.

Angela: Oh, chocolate fudge! Can I have another piece?

(Jonathan enters the hall from his room, can’t sleep with all the sleep talking)

Sam: Dad, please, just let me go to the mall!

Mona: Oh, Charlie, I love the way you…painted the ceiling!

Tony: Micelli steps up to the plate…Here’s the pitch, and it’s going, going, gone! (mumbling)

Angela: Oh, are those cookies?

(Everyone is sleep talking and overlapping)

Jon: Oh, I can’t take it anymore! (covering his ears) Ahhh!!!!!!