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89. The Matriculator [ - ]
by jasonc_wtbr
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Transcript from the "Table Draft" script of The Matriculator.

Who's the Boss?
Episode #89. The Matriculator

Please note that this is a transcript of the actual The Matriculator script (table draft). As such, there may be some differences from the aired version.

Table Draft
Dec. 14, 1987

WHO'S THE BOSS?

"The Matriculator"

Executive Producer
Blake Hunter
and
Martin Cohan

Supervising Producer
Howard Meyers

Produced by
Karen Wengrod & Ken Cinnamon
and
John Anderson

Directed by
Asaad Kelada

Written by
Lee Aronsohn & Marc Sheffler

Episode: #0418
Tape: Dec. 18, 1987

CAST

TONY MICELLI...................TONY DANZA
ANGELA BOWER...............JUDITH LIGHT
MONA ROBINSON....KATHERINE HELMOND
SAMANTHA MICELLI........ALYSSA MILANO
JONATHAN BOWER.......DANNY PINTAURO
MR. MACKEY.....................PETER HOBBS

SETS

INT. LIVING ROOM
INT. KITCHEN
INT. PRESTON COLLEGE CLASSROOM
INT. PAROCHIAL SCHOOL CLASSROOM
INT. TESTING OFFICE

"THE MATRICULATOR"

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE

(Tony, Angela, Mona, Sam, Jonathan)

FADE IN:
INT. BOWER LIVING ROOM - SATURDAY AFTERNOON

(TONY AND JONATHAN ARE WORKING ON A PLASTIC MODEL OF THE HUMAN ANATOMY WITH REMOVABLE ORGANS)

TONY
Okay, Dr. Bower, we're ready for the heart.
(JONATHAN SLAPS SOMETHING INTO TONY'S HAND)
That's not a heart, it's a spleen.
(THEN)
But he'll never know the difference.

JONATHAN
Did you know if you stretched your intestines out from end to end, they'd reach to twenty-five feet?

TONY
Good to know. If I'm ever lost in the woods, I'll leave a trail.

JONATHAN
Tony, that's disgusting. You're my kind of guy.

(SAMANTHA COMES DOWNSTAIRS)

SAMANTHA
I can't believe that Bonnie! She's so irresponsible. We're supposed to be at the Molly Ringwald film festival and she fully flaked on me! And for what?

TONY
A date?

SAMANTHA
No, some dumb college prep course!

TONY
Some people have no priorities.
(BEAT)
Wait a minute. She's taking a college prep course? Why aren't you taking it?

SAMANTHA
Who has time to think about college? I haven't seen "Pretty in Pink" yet.

TONY
Sam, you're a sophomore. Your grades are counting toward college. You gotta think about it.

SAMANTHA
I'm not sure I even want to go to college.

TONY
(VESUVIUS)
What?! You're not going to college? This is crazy! This is insane! The day you were born I bought the frame for your diploma.
(THEN SUDDENLY CALM)
Let's sit down and talk about this.

SAMANTHA
Dad, there's more than one way to get an education. Maybe Jesse and I will want to go bumming around Europe for a couple of years.

TONY
Bumming? Oh great. Then you can come back and start your career as a bag lady.

SAMANTHA
Come on, Dad. Lighten up. There are other options.

TONY
Yeah. College or death.

JONATHAN
(TAKES BRAIN FROM MODEL)
See this brain, Sam? If you don't use it, it'll shrivel up.

SAMANTHA
Jonathan, how would you like to wear that brain up your nose?

JONATHAN
On the other hand, Abraham Lincoln never went to college.

TONY
(THE GREAT PACIFIER)
Children, children, why are we raising our voices? I have a plan that will make us all happy.
(TO SAM)
You're going to college. Today.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE TWO (A)
EST. SHOT OF COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY
CUT TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE TWO (B)

(Tony, Angela, Sam, Mona)
INT. PRESTON COLLEGE CLASSROOM - SATURDAY

(A LARGE WINDOW OVERLOOKS THE CAMPUS. THE ATMOSPHERE IS ONE OF HIGHER LEARNING -- ACADEMIC AWARDS, A BUST OF PLATO, REFERENCE BOOKS ON SHELVES. THERE ARE SEVERAL ROWS OF STUDENT DESKS, AND A PODIUM IS IN THE FRONT OF THE ROOM. IN THE CORNER IS A LARGE WORLD GLOBE. THE DOOR OPENS AND MONA APPEARS IN DOORWAY. A LA TOUR GUIDE, SHE MOTIONS TO AN UNSEEN GROUP)

MONA
Right this way, please. Stay together.
(TONY, ANGELA, SAM, AND JONATHAN ENTER)
Now, this is a typical Preston classroom. As you can see, there's ample sunlight, good use of space, and an unobstructed view of the men's gym.

TONY
Mona, can we stick to the academics? The idea here is to get Samantha excited about higher education.

MONA
All right, all right. Sam, in this very classroom, I studies Plato, Aristotle, Spinoza -- all the great thinkers.

JONATHAN
Grandma, how come your phone number's carved on this desk?

MONA
I also did some tutoring.

TONY
(LOOKING AROUND)
Sam, this isn't just a room. You can smell the learning, the enlightenment...the smarts. It's a place where you can become anything you want to be.

SAMANTHA
I really want to be at the movies.

ANGELA
Sam, your father's right. THe whole world is open to you when you have a college education. Look at all the things you can study.
(FLIPS THROUGH CATALOG)
...anthropology, archeology, sociology, psychology...

SAMANTHA
I don't want to be an "ology."

TONY
(GRABS BOOK)
You don't have to be. Look at this one -- Biogenetic Engineering. Picture it, Sam, you're in your little white coat, walking down the hospital corridor, all the people saying, "Good morning, Dr. Micelli." "Good morning, Dr. Micelli." "Isn't that Samantha, our new biogenetic engineer?"

SAMANTHA
Dad.

TONY
Okay, you can be a movie critic. The point is college is a great place to be.

SAMANTHA
How do you know, Dad? You never went.

TONY
Okay, don't take my word for it. Listen to two people who know --
(POINTS TO ANGELA AND MONA)
Magna Cum Laude, and Magna Cum Rowdy. You're on, girls. Work her over good.

JONATHAN
Don't worry, Mom. You won't have to work me over. I already know I'm going to college.

SAMANTHA
(TO JONATHAN)
Maybe biogenetics isn't such a bad idea. It could help avoid future mutants like you.

TONY
Jonathan, why don't you come over here and look at this globe?

JONATHAN
But I already know all the countries on it. And their capitals.

TONY
Jonathan!

(TONY CROSSES TO THE GLOBE. JONATHAN FOLLOWS)

MONA
Sam, there's more to college life than dating and sororities and pep rallies and football games and bonfires and beer blasts and toga parties.

SAMANTHA
Like what?

MONA
(THINKS A BEAT)
Take it away, Angela.

ANGELA
Sam, my years in college were the happiest of my life. When I started, I was a shy little wallflower. But when I graduated, I was a woman who knew something about the past, and was excited about the future. I met all kinds of people with different values, and different backgrounds. I was exposed to ideas I never even knew existed. When I walked up and got that diploma, I had such a feeling of pride. It was more than a piece of paper. It was thousands of years of history and knowledge, and students and teachers saying, "Angela Bower, you're one of us."

MONA
(MOVED)
That was beautiful, dear.
(TURNS TO SAM)
So, sweetheart, what do you think about college?

TONY (O.S.)
I'm going.

(ANGELA, MONA AND SAM TURN TOWARD WINDOW)

ANGELA
What did you say?

TONY
I'm going to college. Tony Micelli's going to be one of them.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE THREE

(Tony, Angela, Mona, Sam)
INT. KITCHEN - EARLY EVENING - TWO WEEKS LATER

(TONY IS AT KITCHEN TABLE WRITING. SAM ENTERS TO GET SOME MILK)

SAMANTHA
You know, Dad, I've been thinking -- Preston looked like a really nice college, but if you get in and then I decide to go there, you'll be a junior when I'm a freshman, and we might end up in the same class.

TONY
Yeah, won't that be fun?

SAMANTHA
No.

TONY
But, Sam, we could have lunch together. We could hang out at the student union. We could be study buddies.
(OFF HER LOOK)
Or we could pretend we don't know each other.

SAMANTHA
Really, Dad, what happens if there's a guy in the class who likes me and wants to take me to the homecoming dance? Are you going to throw him out the window and embarass me?

TONY
Probably. But hey, don't worry, we might be on the first floor. Look, Sam, unless I finish this essay for my application, you won't have to worry about me being in college at all.

SAMANTHA
Okay, I'll gulp quietly.
(SHE TAKES A GULP. TONY NOTICES THE SOUND)
Maybe I'll gulp in the living room.
(SHE EXITS TO LIVING ROOM. TONY RETURNS TO HIS ESSAY AND FINISHES WITH A FLOURISH. HE SCANS IT)

TONY
Oooh, this is good! I hope.

(HE STARTS PUTTING AWAY HIS BOOKS. ANGELA, LOOKING STUDIOUS, ENTERS CARRYING TWO LARGE COLLEGE PREPARATION BOOKS)

ANGELA
Study time!

TONY
Angela, I was just packing it in.

ANGELA
Packing it in at 10:30?

TONY
I've been at this all day. I was thinking of watching the basketball game.

ANGELA
When you could be studying? That's not the college way. I saw we put in an hour on math, an hour on verbal, and you'll get a solid eight hours of sleep, and we'll still have time for a brusher-upper in the morning before you take the test.

TONY
Boy, you're strict.

AGNELA
Tony, you've worked too hard to slack off now. You're on the mountain of success and heading for the summit. The brass ring of opportunity is within your grasp. You're on the twenty-fifth mile of the marathon of life and you're...

TONY
All right, all right, I'll study.

(TONY LOOKS SCRUNCHED UP AND TENSE)

ANGELA
Now the first thing we have to do is get a good attitude. It helps the little gray cells.

TONY
My gray cells are grinning from ear to ear. Now would you ask me the questions?

ANGELA
Okay, let's begin.

(TONY PICKS UP PENCIL AND PAPER. DURING THE FOLLOWING, SAM ENTERS THE KITCHEN WITH HER EMPTY GLASS)

ANGELA (CONT'D)
(READING)
You have a jar of red and black jelly beans...

TONY
I hate black jelly beans.

ANGELA
Okay, read and green jelly beans. The ratio of red jelly beans to green jelly beans is five to three.

TONY
(WRITING)
Five to three.

ANGELA
If the jar contains a total of 160 jelly beans, how many of them are red?

TONY
(WRITING)
160...five to three...carry the jelly bean...
(FINISHES)
One hundred.

SAMANTHA
Sixty.

TONY
No way.

ANGELA
(RETURNING TO BOOK)
She's right, Tony.

TONY
(TO SAM)
Oh yeah? Well, answer this one. A girl was supposed to be in bed a half hour ago. Her allowance is fifteen dollars a week. How much money will she lose before she says goodnight?

SAMANTHA
(KISSES TONY)
Goodnight. And good luck tomorrow.

TONY
Thanks, sweetheart...
(SAM EXITS UPSTAIRS. TO HIMSELF)
I'm gonna need it.

ANGELA
Maybe we should try verbal.
(FLIPS THROUGH THE PAGES)
Glove is to hand as sock is to...

TONY
Foot!

ANGELA
Correct!

TONY
This is a snap. Come on, give me a hard one.

ANGELA
Okay.
(READING)
Desk is to book as bench is to --

TONY
(HE STARTS TO ANSWER, THEN)
As bench is to uh, let's see...judge.
(ANGELA SHAKES HER HEAD "NO")
No, park.
(ANGELA SHAKES HER HEAD "NO")
As bench is to...basketball.
(ANGELA SHAKES HER HEAD)
I could use some help here.

ANGELA
Tool.

TONY
Why'd you tell me? I knew that.
(DEJECTED)
No, I didn't. I don't know what I know. Listen, I think I'm on overload here. I'm getting that sinking feeling I got when I used to take tests back in school. There's nothing worse than taking tests. Except getting them back.

ANGELA
Okay. Why don't you get some sleep, and we'll hit it hard in the morning.

TONY
All right, Angela. But I think I'll straighten up first.
(AD LIB GOOD NIGHTS. ANGELA EXITS)
Tool. I should have known that. What's the matter with you, Micelli?

(HE CLOSES HIS EYES, RUBS HIS FOREHEAD, THEN PUTS HIS HEAD DOWN ON THE DESK)

SHIMMER DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR

(Tony, Angela, Mona, Sam, Jonathan, Student (kids))
INT. CLASSROOM - DREAM SEQUENCE

(THIS IS THE SAME CLASSROOM TONY VISITED AT PRESTON, BUT NOW ALL THE DESKS HAVE SHRUNK AND THERE ARE KIDS BEHIND THEM, DRESSED IN PAROCHIAL SCHOOL UNIFORMS. ONE OF THE KIDS IS TONY, AND NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE THAT HE'S TOO BIG FOR BOTH HIS DESK AND HIS UNIFORM. JONATHAN AND SAMANTHA FLANK HIM. A NUN IS WRITING "HOW MANY JELLY BEANS ARE RED?" ON THE BLACKBOARD WITH HER BACK TO THE CLASS)

JONATHAN
(WHISPERS TO TONY)
Do you know the answer to that one?

TONY
(WHISPERS)
I haven't got a clue.

SAMANTHA
(SELF-SATISFIED)
I know.

TONY
(TO JONATHAN, RE: SAMANTHA)
Teacher's pet.

JONATHAN
I hope she doesn't call on me.

TONY
Me too. She's one tough battle axe.

NUN
All right.
(SHE SWINGS AROUND. IT'S ANGELA. HER STARE IS PENETRATING)
Anthony?

(JONATHAN BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF)

TONY
Huh? Me?

ANGELA
Daydreaming again, Anthony?

TONY
No, Sister! Uh...what was the question?

ANGELA
How many jelly beans are red?

TONY
(PANICKING)
What jelly beans? Where's the jar? How am I supposed to know?
(TURNS TO SAM, WHISPERS)
You know the answer. Help me, please.

SAMANTHA
(GOODY TWO-SHOES)
It wouldn't be fair.

ANGELA
Anthony, I'm waiting.

(SAMANTHA RAISING AND WAVES HER HAND FRANTICALLY)

SAMANTHA
That's easy, Sister! It's 54!

ANGELA
That's correct, Samantha. And just for that, you get to go to the Molly Ringwald festival.

SAMANTHA
Thank you, Sister. And I believe it's my duty to tell you that Anthony tried to get the answer from me.

(THE CLASS MAKES DISAPPROVING "OOOH'S" AND TSK-TSK MOTIONS AT TONY)

ANGELA
Is that so? Well, that's not the grade school way. I think I'm going to have to call the Mother Superior.

(THE CLASS REACTS IN FEAR. ANGELA PULLS A BELL CORD)

SFX: GONG-GONG

JONATHAN
(TO TONY)
That's it for you.

(SUDDENLY, THE DOOR OPENS AND THE MOTHER SUPERIOR APPEARS. IT IS MONA)

MONA
What's the problem? Is it Anthony again?

ANGELA
Yes, Mother. He almost had the brass ring in his hand, and he dropped it.

TONY
But I wrote my essay. See?

(HOLDS OUT PAPER. MONA TAKES IT)

MONA
This page is blank.

TONY
But I did it, I know I did it. And it was good.
(THEN)
I hope it was good.

MONA
Frankly, Anthony, I think you're in over your head.

ANGELA
(TO MONA)
He'll never be a student.

TONY
You're wrong, you're wrong.

SHIMMER DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE
SCENE FIVE

(Tony)
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

TONY
(WITH HEAD ON KITCHEN TABLE, MUTTERING IN SLEEP)
You're wrong, you're wrong.
(TONY WAKES UP. HE PICKS UP HIS ESSAY AND SCANS IT)

TONY (CONT'D)
(DISHEARTENED)
You're right.

(HE CRUMPLES IT AND THROWS IT IN THE TRASH)

FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
SCENE ONE (A)

(Tony, Angela, Mona)
FADE IN:
INT. KITCHEN - NEXT MORNING

(MONA IS AT THE TABLE DRINKING A CUP OF TEA, AS ANGELA ENTERS)

ANGELA
Morning, Mother. Mmm, that coffee smells good.

(HEADS FOR COFFEE POT)

MONA
You're in luck. I just fixed a fresh pot.

ANGELA
Then why are you having tea?

MONA
(GESTURING TO COFFEE POT)
Well, you wouldn't expect me to drink that slop.

ANGELA
Where's Tony?

MONA
I don't know. I guess he left for the test already.

ANGELA
Oh, we were going to study some more. And I promised to give him my lucky number two lead pencil.
(ANGELA FINDS TONY'S CRUMPLED ESSAY ON THE FLOOR. SHE PICKS IT UP, UNCRUMPLES IT)
Look at this.

MONA
What is it?

ANGELA
Tony's essay. What's it doing here?
(SHE CONTINUES READING, IMPRESSED)
Hm...Oh...Hmm...

MONA
What does it say?

ANGELA
Mother, this is private. I should't even be reading it.
(SHE CONTINUES READING, FASCINATED)
Hm...Oh...Mmm...

(MONA PEERS OVER ANGELA'S SHOULDER, TRYING TO READ)

ANGELA (CONT'D)
(REPRIMANDING)
Mother, please.

MONA
Well, if you're going to hog all the snooping, I'm going to leave.

(MONA EXITS BACK DOOR. ANGELA CONTINUES READING)

ANGELA
Hmm...Oh...Mmm...
(TONY ENTERS, DRESSED FOR WORKING AROUND HOUSE)
Tony!
(CAUGHT AND SURPRISED, SHE QUICKLY HIDES THE ESSAY BEHIND HER)
What are you doing here?

TONY
(CASUALLY)
I decided not to take the test.

ANGELA
What?

TONY
I'm not going to college. Things would fall apart around here. First thing you know there'll be little dustballs, then there'll be no clean dishes, laundry will pile up, then you'd wind up cooking. That wouldn't be fair to anybody.

ANGELA
Tony, we already discussed that. You'll have plenty of time to do everything. We all know how much this education means to you.

TONY
Hey, there are other ways to get an education. Maybe I'll bum around Europe with Jesse for a couple of years.

ANGELA
You can't be serious.

TONY
Yeah, you're right. We'd just get on each other's nerves. I should travel alone.

ANGELA
I can't believe I'm hearing this. What made you change your mind?

TONY
You and that superior mother of yours.

ANGELA
What?

TONY
Forget it. I made my decision. Now, if you'll excuse me.

ANGELA
You're quitting? Just like that? After all that hard work you put in? After all the hard work I put in?

TONY
Yup.

(HE EXITS TO LIVING ROOM. ANGELA LOOKS AFTER HIM A BEAT, THEN TAKES HIS ESSAY, AND FOLLOWS HIM OUT)

CUT TO:

ACT TWO
SCENE ONE (B)

(Tony, Angela)
INT. BOWER LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

(TONY IS TAKING A FEATHER DUSTER FROM CLOSET, AS ANGELA ENTERS, APPROACHES)

ANGELA
Tony, if you won't listen to me -- at least listen to yourself.

TONY
My essay. Don't read it. It's terrible.

ANGELA
(READING)
"College. It means different things to different people. To some, it's the first step toward the career of their choice. To others, it's a way to get away from home, meet girls and blow fifty grand of their parents' savings."

TONY
Angela, I know what I wrote.

ANGELA
(CONTINUES READING)
"But to me, college means growth -- an opportunity to improve yourself. When I was seventeen, I thought I knew it all. And I did. Because my world was pretty small -- the corner of Pitkin Avenue and East 13th. But when I moved away from that corner of the world, I realized there were three others -- and at this point in my life I'm dying to hang out on them."

TONY
Come on, Angela, you're embarassing me.

ANGELA
(READING ON)
"I know it sounds corny, but the way I see it, it's never too late to learn."

TONY
I told you it was terrible.

ANGELA
Tony, this isn't terrible. It's terrific.

TONY
Don't humor me, Angela.

ANGELA
I'm not. It's a beautiful essay. Well-written, sincere and eloquent in its honesty.

TONY
You think so?

ANGELA
Absolutely.

TONY
Well, the opening joke could've been a little sharper, but it does have a nice build.

ANGELA
So -- were those just empty words, or did you really mean them.

TONY
(BEGRUDGINGLY)
I mean them. Look, Angela, when I was a kid, I thought about going to college, but I chose baseball instead. You know why? Because I knew I'd be good at it.

ANGELA
And you were afraid you wouldn't be good at college?

TONY
Fear had nothing to do with it. It was a matter of...comfort levels. And I'm more comfortable facing a ninety-mile-an-hour fastball than a multiple choice test.

ANGELA
Tony, you're not going to let a little...discomfort deprive you of your dream, are you?

TONY
That's the plan.

ANGELA
Let me ask you a question. You're in the batter's box, two strikes against you. What would happen if you threw down your bat and walked off the field?

TONY
Angela, that's a dumb analogy. Dumber than "desk is to book as bench is to tool." I'd never just walk away like that.

ANGELA
Well, you're walking away now.

TONY
Walking away? I'm not walking away.
(OFF ANGELA'S LOOK)
Ooh, you think you're so smart.

ANGELA
Yes. And I think you are, too.

TONY
Can't a guy cower in the privacy of his own kitchen?

ANGELA
Sure he can. If he can live with himself.

TONY
I just have one thing to say to you. Lend me your lucky number two pencil.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO
SCENE TWO (A)

(Tony, Sam, Jonathan)
INT. KITCHEN - DAY (ONE WEEK LATER)

(TONY IS WORKING IN THE KITCHEN. SAM ENTERS BACK DOOR CARRYING BAG)

SAMANTHA
Dad, look what I got.
(SHE PULLS OUT A PRESTON COLLEGE SWEATSHIRT)
Nice huh?

TONY
Yeah, but you're jumping the gun, aren't you? I haven't even been accepted yet.

SAMANTHA
It's for me.

TONY
Oh.
(THEN)
Well, that's great. You decided to go to Preston.

SAMANTHA
I don't know that, but I'm definitely going to their game Friday night.

TONY
That's a beginning, Sam. Just try to sit next to a professor.

SAMANTHA
Dad, I never told you this, but I'm very proud of you for going back to college after all these years.

TONY
Hey, we're not talking millenium here -- oh, excuse me, the plural is millenia.

SAMANTHA
Boy, Dad, you're talking like a college man already.

TONY
Well, let's see what I get on the test before we start buying "I love Preston College" bumper stickers.

SAMANTHA
I can't believe you're not going crazy waiting to find out. It's been a week. I'd be dying.

TONY
Well, that's the difference between teenagers and adults. Adults know how to be patient, how to let things happen in their own time, how to..

(JONATHAN PEEKS HIS HEAD IN KITCHEN DOOR)

JONATHAN
The mail's here.

TONY
Gangway!

(TONY RUSHES PAST JONATHAN OUT TO THE LIVING ROOM)

CUT TO:

ACT TWO
SCENE TWO (B)

(Tony, Angela, Sam, Jonathan)
INT. BOWER LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

(ANGELA IS COMING IN THE FRONT DOOR HOLDING A STACK OF MAIL AS TONY COMES BARRELING OUT OF THE KITCHEN)

TONY
Did it come? Did it come?

ANGELA
I haven't sorted the mail yet.

TONY
I'll do it. I'll do it.
(TONY SNATCHES MAIL OUT OF HER HANDS, BEGINS QUICKLY RIFLING THROUGH IT, AS SAMANTHA ENTERS FROM KITCHEN. TONY PULLS A COMPUTER PRINTED ENVELOPE FROM THE STACK)
This is it! This is it!

ANGELA
Open it! Open it!

TONY
Angela, you're repeating yourself.

ANGELA
I know. I know.

(HE STANDS FOR A BEAT, HOLDING THE ENVELOPE)

SAMANTHA
(SNIFFS)
I think I smell a high number.

TONY
I hope your whiffer is right.

(HE STARES AT THE ENVELOPE)

JONATHAN
Wouldn't it be easier to tell if you opened the envelope?

TONY
Don't rush me. My whole future rides on this. If I scored 450 or better, I go to college. If I didn't...well, maybe someday they'll retire my mop and put me in the housekeeper's hall of fame.
(TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
Okay. Come on 450! Come on 450!
(PULLS APART THE ENVELOPE, READS THE SLIP)
and it's a...two!?

ANGELA
Two hundred?

TONY
No, two. That was some lucky pencil, Angela.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO
SCENE THREE

(Tony, Angela, Mr. Mackey)
INT. TESTING OFFICE - ONE HOUR LATER

(THIS IS A SMALL ROOM WITH A DESK. A CLOCK, AS WELL AS GRAPHS AND CHARTS ARE ON THE WALL. BEHIND THE DESK IS MR. MACKEY, THE ELDERLY, DELIBERATE MAN IN CHARGE OF STANDARDIZED TESTING. IN FRONT OF THE DESK SIT ANGELA AND TONY, WATCHING ANXIOUSLY AS MACKEY EXAMINES TONY'S ANSWER SHEET)

MACKEY
Well...well...well...
(HE LOOKS UP)
Well.

TONY
Well?

MACKEY
You can't have scored a two. Nobody's that stupid.

ANGELA
We know that, Mr. Mackey. Can you tell what the problem is?

MACKEY
Uh-huh, uh-huh. You see where it says "Do not mark this space"?

ANGELA
Yes?

MACKEY
He marked that space.

TONY
Let me see that.
(LOOKS AT ANSWER SHEET)
I must have started marking my answers on the wrong line.

MACKEY
That's right. Threw the computer into an awful tizzy.

TONY
So I didn't really get a two?

MACKEY
Don't know what you got. Computer can't score it.

ANGELA
Would it be possible for you to score it by hand?

MACKEY
Don't see what not?
(A BEAT)
Oh. You mean now?

ANGELA
If it's not too much trouble.

TONY
Yeah. I've met all the other requirements. It all comes down to this test. I mean, it's only my whole future that's at stake here.

MACKEY
Well, then you better stop jabbering and let me get to it.
(HE TAKES AN ANSWER KEY FROM A DESK DRAWER, PICKS UP A MENCIL, AND STARTS MATCHING TONY'S ANSWER SHEET. HE STOPS, TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES, HOLD THEM UP TO LIGHTS, STARTS TO CLEAN THEM)
You know, this reminds me of the old days, before computers. We did everything by hand then.

ANGELA
Mr. Mackey, please.

MACKEY
Oh, right, you're in a hurry.
(TURNS BACK TO TEST. THEN)
I remember once, President Truman was visiting the college...

TONY
(GROANS)
Ohh.

(HE PICKS UP THE PENCIL AND STARTS SCORING AGAIN. WE SEE THE CLOCK ON THE WALL. IT READS 1:05)

DISSOLVE TO:

A MONTAGE
SFX: THEME FROM JEOPARDY

(WE SEE MACKEY WORKING, TONY PACING AND SWEATING, THE CLOCK ADVANCING TO 2:10)

MACKEY
Well, that's it. Now to add it up.
(STARTS COUNTING MARKS ON ANSWER SHEET)
One hundred...two hundred...three hundred...four hundred...

(TONY AND ANGELA ARE ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS AS MACKEY PUTS DOWN HIS PENCIL. HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET, TAKES OUT A PACK OF GUM. HE OFFERS A STICK TO ANGELA AND TONY)

MACKEY
Would you like...

ANGELA/TONY
No!

MACKEY
Suit yourself. It's Juicy Fruit.

(HE CONTINUES SCORING TEST)

TONY
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
Come on 450. Come on 450.

MACKEY
410...420...
(A BEAT)
...430...
(A LONGER BEAT)
...440...
(A VERY LONG BEAT)
...441...

TONY
Will you come on!

ANGELA
Tony.

TONY
Well, he's driving me crazy.

MACKEY
Now, you've gone and made me lose my place. I have to start over.

TONY
What?!

MACKEY
Just kidding. Young people today have no sense of humor. It looks like your score is...
(A BEAT)
445...
(TONY AND ANGELA SLUMP)
Now, wait a minute. I'm off by one digit here.

TONY
(HOPEFULLY)
You mean it? I got 455?

MACKEY
No.

TONY
Oh, no. 446.

MACKEY
Wrong. You got a 545.

TONY
(ELATED)
545!
(JUMPS UP)
You're beautiful. I love you!
(KISSES MACK ON THE CHEEK)

MACKEY
Please, not on the first exam.

TONY
Did you hear that, Angela? I'm going to be a college man!

ANGELA
Tony, you did it!

TONY
No, Angela, we did it.

(HE HUGS ANGELA AS WE)

FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO