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60. The Way We Was [ - ]
by folle
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Transcript from the broadcast version of The Way We Was.

Who's the Boss?
Episode #60 - The Way We Was

Scene One: Tony, Sam and Jonathan are sitting at the kitchen table listening to the radio. It’s snowing outside.

ANNOUNCER: And as the blizzard rages on, several more schools announce they’ll be closed: Stonington, Greenfield, Westport…

SAM: Oh come on, Fairfield!

ANNOUNCER: …West End, Kerbline, Norwalk, and Cranbury, and that brings us up to the minute.

TONY: Ohh, gee, that’s too bad. Now you’re going to have to go out and learn!

ANNOUNCER: Now wait kiddies, here’s one more…

SAM: All right!

ANNOUNCER: All public schools will be closed in…Southport. And…Fairfield!

SAM: All right! (high fives Jonathan) Yea, no school!

TONY: Yea! (to Sam) Somebody to shovel the walk!

SAM: Oh Dad, I’d really like to but it just wouldn’t be right. A blizzard is God’s way of saying goof off!

(audience laughter)

TONY: Hey Jonathan, how about some more hot chocolate there pal?

JON: I think we’d better save it. We might get stuck here, run out of food and have to eat each other.

TONY: Oh, well you know, you can’t eat me. I’m the cook!

(Mona enters, freezing)

TONY: Ohh, close that door! Welcome Nanook. Would you like some hot chocolate?

MONA: Oh that sounds great. Just pour it over me!

(Angela enters, carrying work)

ANG: Oh Mother, I’m glad you’re here. I think we should get started for the train a little bit early.

MONA: Angela, haven’t you heard? The trains are not running, we can’t get to work.

ANG: What are we going to do?

MONA: Well Angela, I haven’t thought this out completely, but as I see it, we won’t take the train, and we won’t go to work. Ha! But that’s only a theory.

ANG: Oh no! I can see today’s going to be a total waste.

SAM: Oh no, it’s going to be great! There’s a TV and a stereo…there’s always a girl’s best friend (picking up the phone). Ahhh!!!!!!!

TONY: What?!!?

SAM: (holding the phone) My best friend is dead! Oh this is a nightmare!

TONY: Oh come on, come on, you guys are a bunch of grumpsters. You kidding me, we’ll have a great time here. Hey, how often do we get to spend a day together, huh? We’ll light a cozy fire, huh? We’ll tell juicy stories? We’ll roast marshmallows!

MONA: Oh, it sounds good to me! (Mona and Tony exit to the living room)

SAM & JON: Juicy stories??

ANG: Marshmallows?? Ooh!

(Sam, Jonathan and Angela follow Mona and Tony into the living room)

TONY: Do I know this family or what? (makes like he’s throwing out a fishing line) Pss, oh, I got one!

JON: Don’t we have to be related to be a family?

ANG: Not necessarily, sweetheart. See, families are people who share each others’ lives and care about each other. The way that we do.

SAM: Yeah, Jonathan, you’re such a jerk.

TONY: Ohh, isn’t that beautiful? She couldn’t be any more rotten to him even if he was her real brother.

ANG: You know, I think it was a real stroke of genius the way I brought this family together.

TONY: Oh, wait a minute now. I am the one who charmed you into hiring me.

MONA: Yeah, but I’m the one who delivered you to her doorstep.

JON: Yeah, but I’m the reason Mom needed help.

SAM: Yeah, but I’m the reason we left Brooklyn in the first place. Don’t you remember Dad?

TONY: Yeah, I remember. We were living in that little apartment on Pitkin Avenue.

SAM: Hey, it wasn’t that little. I had my own bedroom.

TONY: So did I.

(fade in to Tony & Sam’s memory of the past, in their apartment in Brooklyn)

Scene Two: Tony & Sam’s apartment in Brooklyn. Morning time and the pipes are clanking loudly.

TONY: (thinking the pipes are the alarm clock) Ok, ok, ok.

SAM: Dad, it’s not the clock, it’s the pipes.

TONY: Samantha, do you have to turn on the faucet so early?

SAM: (sarcastically) Sorry Dad, I just had this craving for rusty water.

(Tony hits the pipes with a bat)

TONY: Samantha, drink milk. It’s good for you. It’s got calcium and it’s quieter. (Tony looks at Sam, noticing a black eye that was covered by a baseball cap) Woah, woah, wait a minute, what’s that on your face?

SAM: A nose?

TONY: I’ll give you a nose! I’m talking about that shiner. That wasn’t there when I got home from work last night.

SAM: Yes it was. But when you got home from work I was already in bed with the lights out. (very pronounced Brooklyn accent) Pretty smart, huh?

TONY: Oh yeah. Pretty smart, huh. Another fight, huh? I’m going to put some ice on that.

SAM: That’ll take the swelling down. I want it to look cool for the kids in class.

TONY: Oh. Well does that mean you’re going to school today?

SAM: Dad…I always go to school.

TONY: You always go to school, yeah? What about this note I got from the teacher yesterday? (Tony quotes from the note) “Please give Samantha my deepest condolences on the untimely murder-suicide of her favorite aunt and uncle.” Perhaps you could make an appointment to see me when the two of you get back from the funeral in Topeka.

(Sam looks proud)

TONY: Samantha, I cannot believe this.

SAM: You think Cleveland would have been better?

TONY: Hmm, I don’t like what I’m hearing from you. You know, you’re starting to sound like one of them kids they do after-school specials about!

SAM: Oh Dad, come on. I really think you’re taking this father thing too seriously. I am no different than any other kid on the block.

TONY: Well, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe we should move. I mean, you know, some place green with lots of fresh air and room to run.

SAM: Shea Stadium?

TONY: No wisenheimer. Better than that. Listen to this. Last week I delivered a truckload of salmon to this country club in Connecticut. Oh, you should have seen it up there. Holy mackerel! Oh! It was beautiful. Quiet streets, picket fences, no graffiti.

SAM: I like graffiti. What else are you supposed to read while you’re waiting for the subway?

TONY: There is no subway there. The people live above ground, in the sun!

SAM: I’m happy here. Aren’t you?

TONY: Yeah, I guess so. I mean, hey, driving a fish truck aint so bad. I just wish I could find a job where…I’d get to spend more time with you and not so many cats followed me home at night.

(fade back in to present day in the Bower living room in front of the fire)

MONA: Sounds rough. But it was a bed of roses compared to life under the Third Reich.

TONY: Yeah? What do you mean by that?

MONA: Well, Angela’s housekeeper was Hitler’s sister.

JON: Yeah, if you looked real close you could see a little black mustache!

ANG: Come on, come on. She wasn’t that awful.

MONA: Angela! It was a reign of terror. She turned your son into a quivering mass of jell-o.

SAM: That’s how it happened!

TONY: (laughs)

Scene Three: The Bower house before Tony and Sam. A large woman in a uniform is cleaning in the living room, punching the couch pillows. Mona enters.

MONA: Ahh, greetings Frau Hiller.

MRS. HILLER: You again. Don’t you have a home?

MONA: Yes, but it’s much too pleasant. So, I thought I’d come here for some abuse.

(Mona throws her books onto the chair)

MRS. HILLER: Hmm, you live like a pig. (gathers the books and gives the back to Mona)

MONA: Ohh, thank you. Where’s Jonathan?

MRS. HILLER: He’s in the kitchen. But stay away from him. I just cleaned him.

MONA: Well, I’d love to say and chat but…I don’t like you.

(audience laughter)

MRS. HILLER: What’s not to like?

(Mona enters the kitchen where Jonathan is eating a snack at the table. There’s a large pitcher by his plate)

MONA: Knock knock!

JON: Who’s there?

MONA: Orange.

JON: Orange who?

MONA: Aren’t you glad I’m not Mrs. Hiller!

(Mona makes scary motions and Jonathan accidentally spills his grape juice)

JON: Ahh!!!!! Oh! She’ll kill me!

MONA: Oh Jonathan. We don’t worry about ole’ Mrs. Hiller. I’ll handle her.

JON: (practically crying) Oh no Grandma, I love you too much!

(Mrs. Hiller enters)

MRS. HILLER: Everybody out. I’ve got to start dinner. (turns and notices Jonathan’s shirt) What’s that?

JON: It’s uhm, uhm…

MRS. HILLER: Confess. It’ll go easier on you.

MONA: No, no, Jonathan. No, I can’t allow you to take the rap for me. I spilled the juice on him.

MRS. HILLER: I don’t believe that.

MONA: Ok, I poured it on him.

JON: (turning around) Oh, no.

(Angela enters the kitchen, home from work)

ANG: Hi! (very formally) Oh, good afternoon Mrs. Hiller. (notices Jonathan & says caringly) Jonathan! Did you spill grape juice on your shirt!?

JON: (still scared) No, no!

MONA: I poured it on him!

MRS. HILLER: She’s lying to protect the boy.

MONA: (to Angela) Did you hear that!! She accused your mother of lying! Are you going to stand for that?!

ANG: Well, uhm, Mrs. Hiller you see, actually, my mother has been known to tell the truth.

MRS. HILLER: You think a grown woman would pour grape juice on someone? I find that hard to believe.

(Mona reaches for the pitcher and pours it down Mrs. Hiller’s shirt)

ANG: (trying not to laugh) Well, I’m convinced! What’s for dinner?

MRS. HILLER: That’s it! Either that tramp goes, or I go!

ANG: Mrs. Hiller, that tramp is my mother!

(fade back to present day in the Bower living room)

TONY: You know, I don’t want to say anything but I can’t believe how lucky you were that I came along!

ANG: We were both lucky. I mean, there you were in Brooklyn, looking for a better life for your daughter. And here I was in Connecticut, looking for somebody to run my house and help raise my son…and bring some joy back into my…(Tony is sitting on the arm of Angela’s chair and they look straight at each other)…kitchen! (they laugh)

JON: So, how did we get Tony to be our housekeeper?

MONA: See, now what happened was…

(phone rings)

ANG: Oh, it’s working now!

TONY: hey! (answers the phone) Hey, hey! Hello. Yeah, yeah, hang on…Hold on. Sam it’s Bonnie. She says she’s got some very hot news.

SAM: Tell her I’ll call her back.


(audience laughter)

SAM: Well, I wanna hear this!

TONY: (into the phone) Sorry Bon, she’s gonna have to get back to you…ok…bye. (walking into the kitchen) Come on Mona, help me get some goodies.

JON: Hey, what about the story?!

TONY: Don’t go away, we’ll be right back (commercial break)

Scene Four: Tony and Mona coming to the living room from the kitchen with popcorn and cups.

TONY: Here we come, here we go, here we go.

MONA: Uh, uh!

JON: (holding a very burnt marshmallow) Tony, I made you some marshmallows!

TONY: Oh well, thank you, Jonathan. Did you get that recipe from your mother?

(audience laughter)

SAM: OK, we’re all here. Come on Mone, tell us how you found Dad.

MONA: In pretty good shape!

TONY: Hey, oh! (flexes)

MONA: Actually he was in the lobby of my apartment building and I uhm, I kind of ran into him…

Scene Five: Fade back to Mona’s apartment building. Tony is standing by the mailboxes when Mona enters on a bike and almost hits him.

TONY: Woah!

MONA: Hey, nice catch.

TONY: Thanks lady. I’ve always been good at catching curves. Hey, do you happen to know which is the owner’s apartment?

MONA: Oh yeah, 405.

TONY: Oh, thanks.

MONA: Are you applying for the manager’s position?

TONY: Yeah

MONA: Oh well, you’re going to love managing this building. (Mona stares at Tony) And we’re going to love being managed by you.

TONY: Oh well, thank you. That’s nice of you to say. But I wish I could convince my little girl of that. I want to move out of Brooklyn and she doesn’t want to go. But I want to move to a better neighborhood so she can get a better education because these are the most important years of her life. Why am I telling this all to a stranger?

MONA: Yeah, I have that kind of face. It makes people bare their souls. Et cetera. (audience laughter). So what about your wife? I mean, does she want to move from Brooklyn?

TONY: Well, I’m widowed.

MONA: (sincerely) Oh gosh. I’m sorry. (beat) Gee raising your little girl all by yourself…must be an awfully tough job.

TONY: Well, I’m awfully good at it. I come from a long line of fathers! (turning to the elevators) See ya.

MONA: (thought dawning on her) Hey, hold the bus! I’ve got a perfect job for you. My daughter is looking for a manager.

TONY: Well, of what, a building?

MONA: Well, you, you, might call it a building. (bluntly) We call it a house.

TONY: You want me to manage a house?

MONA: It’s a very large house. Has four bedrooms, three and a half baths, and a self-cleaning oven!

TONY: Wait a minute. Are you asking me to be a maid?!?

MONA: Well, you could call it a maid. We call it a housekeeper.

TONY: Well that’s nice lady, but sorry. I used to play major league baseball. Guys like me, we don’t wind up being maids or housekeepers. Joe DiMaggio, he made some coffee, but that’s about it.

MONA: By the way, who takes care of your little girl?

TONY: I do.

MONA: Oh, I see, but you wouldn’t stoop to doing the cooking, huh?

TONY: Tell you the truth, I’m a terrific cook.

MONA: Oh yeah, but guys like you, you don’t do the cleaning and the laundry, huh?

TONY: Of course. Hey, what do you think, I can afford a maid?

MONA: Hate to break the news to you, bub, you’re already a housekeeper. You’re just not getting paid for it.

TONY: Yeah, well, yeah, I’m trying to keep my amateur standing.

MONA: Well, all I’m saying is, why not raise my grandson along with your daughter? I mean, he needs a guy like you. Someone caring, someone intelligent. (squeezing his arm) Someone with fifteen inch biceps.

TONY: Fifteen and a quarter!

MONA: (confident) Check it when you get home. (audience laughter, Mona pulls out her wallet) Oh my goodness, look here. Here is a picture of my little grandson Jonathan. Is he a cute kid, huh?

TONY: Oh yeah, yeah (taking the wallet). And, uh, this must be your daughter.

MONA: Yeah. My lovely daughter Angela. (Tony stares appreciatively) She’d be your boss.

TONY: She looks very…easy to work for. (audience laughter) Hey look, I’m late for my appointment. I gotta go talk to the owner.

MONA: You’re not going to like working here. No action. Nothing but crotchety old matrons with neutered poodles.

(a stunning 20-something blonde exits the elevator wearing a red leotard)

WOMAN: Hi Mona! You, coming to, uhm, aerobics class? Bring your friend too (winks at Tony).

TONY: You think she’ll let me walk the poodle?

Scene Six: Later that evening in Sam and Tony’s apartment in Brooklyn. They’re eating dinner.

SAM: Boy Dad, you sure make a mean western omelet.

TONY: Well, thanks honey. Hey you know, I got the recipe from Pete Rose.

SAM: (impressed) I didn’t know you guys were friends!

TONY: Well, we’re not friends. It was during the game. He just hit a double and while they were changing pitchers we hung out at second base and exchanged recipes. He got Grandma’s Eggplant Parmesan and I got his Western Omelet. I was just about to get his Bouillabaisse, but some bum drove him in. (audience laughter) Listen Sam, I gotta say something to you here and, and you may not like it but in the long run…

SAM: Oh no, not the long run!

TONY: It’s, it’s for your own good.

SAM: For my own good too! I’m dead. What is it?

TONY: Sam, we’re going to move to Connecticut.

SAM: Connecticut?!? Yuck!! Siberia wit’ elm trees! (very pronounced Brooklyn accent)

TONY: Come on Sam, are you kidding me? We’re going to have a great place, hey, I got offered a job as a manager of an apartment building.

SAM: We already live in an apartment building.

TONY: Oh but wait a minute, I’m talking about a really nice one! OK, It’s only one bedroom, but it’s got a, it’s got a view of the laundry room! And there’s an aerobics room! And you could take a class. We’ll both take them. (looking into space) We can make new friends!

(audience laughter)

SAM: I already have friends.

TONY: Yeah, yeah, but not like these people. Are you kidding me, I met this one lady up there, Madonna mia, what a character. Hey, she wants us to move into her daughter’s house and get this…she wants me to be the maid!

SAM: (intrigued for the first time) Did you say a house?? I never thought we’d live in one of those! Did you see it?

TONY: Yeah, yeah it was on my way to the turnpike.

SAM: Oh, what did it look like?

TONY: Well, I didn’t get a very good look, but it was a two-story, white with blue trim, big yard, picket fence, Jag in the driveway and a hoop in the back yard.

SAM: Now, now, in the long run that could definitely be for my own good…

TONY: Wait a minute. What are you kidding me, you, it wouldn’t bother you to tell your friends your old man’s a maid?

SAM: (sarcastically) Yeah well, I would have to give up all the prestige of saying my Dad drives a fish truck.

(audience laughter)

TONY: I don’t know. It’s, it’s a crazy idea, isn’t it?

SAM: No! (patting him on the stomach) And you’re getting older and…I think it’s about time you had your own room.

Scene Seven: Soon thereafter at the Bower house. Mona is sitting on the couch reading a book titled “Abnormal Sexual Behavior”.

MONA: (to herself) Come on, you call that abnormal? (phone rings and Mona answers) Hello…Oh, Mr. Micelli…I thought I’d be hearing from you…No! If you want it, the job is yours. (hearing keys in the door) Oh, there’s Angela now. I’ve got to go…Bye…No, no, don’t worry. She loves the idea of having a man for a housekeeper. (hangs up) Or she will just as soon as I tell her.

(Angela and Jonathan enter through the front door. Jonathan is carrying a boy with air holes in it)

ANG: Come on darling.

JON: Hi Grandma.

ANG: Oh, Mother. What are you doing here?

MONA: Why Angela, do I always need a reason? I mean, can’t a mother just drop by to visit her daughter and grandson and make some long distance phone calls?

ANG: Mother!

MONA: How did it go with the child psychologist?

ANG: Very well. We’re learning different means to communicate more effectively. (to Jonathan) Jonathan dear, would you and your lizard please go upstairs so Grandma and Mommy can talk?

JON: No!

ANG: Would you like to talk about why you don’t want to go upstairs?

JON: No!

ANG: (sternly) Well Jonathan, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but if this is the way you want it, go upstairs!

JON: No.

ANG: OK, you must have your reasons.

(audience laughter)

JON: Not really, I just wanted to see if you’d cave in. Bye! (exits upstairs)

MONA: Way to communicate Angela!

ANG: I know he needs discipline, but he also needs love. You know, it’s not easy being a single parent.

MONA: Well, what did the psychologist say?

ANG: Get married.

(audience laughter)

MONA: Oh Angela, why ruin another life.

ANG: He said Jonathan is badly in need of a male influence.

MONA: Yeah, well, you haven’t been getting much influence yourself lately. Angela, don’t you think it would be wonderful to have a man around the house again?

ANG: No Mother, the last thing I need in my life right now is a man. The first thing I do however need is a housekeeper. Weren’t you supposed to find a replacement for Mrs. Hiller?

MONA: Yes, I’m trying, I’m trying. But, uhm, all the candidates are a sorry lot. See, I think we have to…widen our search…expand our horizons…think bigger and broader.

ANG: Broader than Mrs. Hiller?!

MONA: Well, all I’m saying is that we have to keep an open mind.

ANG: I have an open mind. And a filthy house! I don’t care who you find, just find somebody, anybody.

MONA: (smiling) Have I got a body for you!

Scene Eight: Tony and Sam coming up the walk outside the Bower house to meet Angela for the first time.

TONY: Don’t be nervous ok? Get your fingers out of your mouth! How do I look? (Tony is wearing the blazer and sweater he wore in the first episode)

SAM: Oh, you look great. And you got all the fish smell out too!

TONY: Good, good! Oh boy, now look Sam, you just be yourself, all right. And you know, it wouldn’t hurt if you told Mrs. Bower how nice it is up here and how happy you are to be here.

SAM: You mean butter her up.

TONY: (sheepishly) Yeah. (beat) All right, now look Sam…I want you to be happy. So, if you don’t wanna move here, you say the word and we’re back in Brooklyn like that (snaps his fingers).

SAM: Dad, we gave up the apartment and loaded everything into a van. You’re not getting cold feet are you?

TONY: Me? Me getting cold feet, what are you kidding me? What, am I the first pro baseball player to become a housekeeper? Well maybe I am. But hey, what’s the big deal, I mean, what about you?

SAM: (looking around) Oh, it sure is a pretty house.

TONY: Yeah.

SAM: And I think I’d like to go to a school where the mascot isn’t a cockroach.

TONY: All right Sam, then let’s go in there and give them some of the old Micelli magic.

SAM: You know, I think this shiner is going to give them the wrong idea. So, I’ll wait in the van and you go in first and made a good impression. Give them a firm handshake. Look right in the eye. And whatever you do, don’t tell the pig joke.

TONY: (taken aback) Are you sure? It always works.

SAM: (pushing him to the door) Let’s go, go get ‘em.

TONY: I said I’m going.

(Sam walks back to the van and the theme song begins to play, as though it is Tony knocking on the door in Episode One. Tony knocks on the door. Angela opens the door in her pink bathrobe)

Scene Nine: Present day in the Bower living room, by the fire. The family is pensive.

ANG: (to Tony) I still remember the look on your face when I opened the door.

TONY: Yeah, it said ‘your troubles are over’.

ANG: (playing with Jonathan’s hair) Well, I think all of our lives have been enriched by this coming together.

JON: Yeah, Tony’s taught me a lot of stuff, like this…(Jonathan belches).

TONY: Making the world a better place.

MONA: (patting Sam on the shoulder) And Sam, you got three bathrooms and your own bedroom!

TONY: Hey, so did I!

SAM: Yeah, well I already had my own bedroom, but you know what I still don’t have that all little girls in Brooklyn dream about having? (beat) My own phone!

TONY: Dream on!

MONA: Well, I think we’re all much happier now that we’re a family. And I think we know who we have to thank for that.

EVERYONE: Yeah, me!

Scene Ten: Tony is straightening up after the day by the fireplace. Angela and Mona are sitting on the couch reading magazines.

(Sam and Jonathan enter down the stairs)

SAM: Hey you guys, it stopped snowing!

TONY: Hey!

JON: We’re going to go outside and build a snowman!

SAM: Why is it always a snowman? Let’s build a snowwoman!

JON: All right! Can I build the top part?!?

(audience laughter, Angela looks shocked)

MONA: (grabbing her coat) Well then, I’d better join them. They’ll need a model.

TONY: (to Angela) What about you? You gonna go outside and play with the kids?

ANG: (hesitantly) Nah, I don’t think so, I’ve got a lot of work to do.

TONY: (hesitantly) Yeah, I’ve got a lot to do too.

ANG: Besides, you get all wet and cold.

TONY: Yeah, and your nose runs.

ANG: Hmm.

TONY: Last one out is a rotten egg.

(Tony and Angela run to the door. Tony is in the lead when Angela appears to stumble in the chase)

ANG: Oh! My ankle!

TONY: (concerned) Oh, what happened, what happened?!?

ANG: (running to the door) Gotcha!

TONY: Oh, hey, hey! You learned that from me! (Tony rushes to the door, grabs Angela by the arm and he rushes out ahead)