Home | Articles | Bloopers | Episode Guide | Fan Fiction | FAQ | Forums | Gallery | Links | Transcripts
WTB?R Home • WTB?R Archives
2. Briefless Encounter [ - ]
by jasonc_wtbr
Table of Contents [Report This]
Printer

- Text Size +

Transcript from the broadcast version of Briefless Encounter.

Who's The Boss?
Episode 2 - Briefless Encounter

Scene 1 - The Bower House

Ang: (From Upstairs) Tony, May I see you for a minute?

(Tony comes from the kitchen, through the living room. He sees a spot on the table, so stops to wipe it. He then goes upstairs, where he finds Angela on the landing)

Tony: You rang madam?

Ang: Yes Tony. Ever since you've been here, everything is just spotless and immaculate.

Tony: Dirt is my enemy!

Ang: Well, uh, I'm glad to hear that because the enemy has landed in my bedroom.

Tony: (mutters) Oh, you know I don't wanna...

Ang: Shall we have a look?

Tony: Oh yeah, why not, I guess

(Angela opens the door and they go in. Tony looks around)

Tony: Hey, this is nice, really nice.

Ang: A-ha, that proves it. you've never been in here before.

Tony: Well no. This is your private chamber!

Ang: But Tony, you are the housekeeper. And this is part of the house. Now the private chamber may be mine, but the dust is yours.

Tony: I'm sorry. Ay, you want me to come in here and clean, I'll come in here and clean!

Ang: I want you to, I want you to! And Tony, the same thing goes for my bathroom.

Tony: Oh ay, the bathroom! I mean uh, don't you have things in there that are too personal to mention, y'know like, I don't know, false eyelashes?

Ang: I tell you what. If you find anything too personal to mention, just clean it and don't mention it! C'mon.

Tony: (Mutters) I'm not going in the bathroom.

(Angela takes him into the bathroom)

Ang: Well, this is it. The land the tidybowl forgot!

Tony: Gee, what a nice bath tub huh? I mean a walrus could bathe in there huh. oh, uh no offence.

Ang: Looks like one has, no offence.

Tony: It's done, forget it. Hey, headphones eh?

Ang: Yeah, when I bathe I like to listen to classical music.

Tony: Hey that's interesting, "Bathing with Beethoven". Y'know, you're lucky. I only have a shower, and sometimes I love to take bubble baths.

Ang: Really? You in a bubble bath? I always pictured you in the shower! I, I, I, I mean if I pictured you at all, I would picture your type in the shower.

Tony: Yeah, I, I get the picture.

Ang: Uh, now lets talk laundry.

Tony: Oh wait a minute laundry? Don't you have your dainties in there?

Ang: Tony, I am the president of the twelfth largest advertising agency in the country. They expect me to wear clean underwear.

Tony: Ok coach. What do I do?

Ang: Well, uh, most of this stuff you can just throw in the machine, but, uh, these um these silk things, and um these stockings, you'll have to wash those by hand.

Tony: You don't really want me to wash your skivvies do ya?

Ang: Tony! This is all part of the job! If I were working for you, I'd wash your... whatevers!

Tony: My whatevers ain't pink! All right, look why don't you show me where to put these little suckers after I finish washin' 'em.

Ang: Come with me

(She ushers Tiny back through to the bedroom, then follows him through)

Ang: (Pulls out a pair of Panties) Well, um, these go in this drawer. And these (Pulls out a pair of stockings) go in this drawer.

Tony: I see

Ang: And, uh (pulls out a bra) these, go in this drawer. And now I think you better take me to the train.

Tony: Hold it. You know you've got this laid out all wrong don't you? I mean whats the first thing you put on when you get dressed?

Ang: I beg your pardon! Tony: Well, I mean since you invited me in here, I figure I'll streamline the place a little bit.

Ang: Well, if you must know, thie first thing that I put on are my (She mutters) underpants.

Tony: And then what?

Ang: And then my bra, and then my pantihose.

Tony: That's what I thought. You're doing this all wrong. You're wasting valuable time. (He demonstrates) I mean look, first you gotta come over here and put on your panties right. Then you gotta come all the way back over here and put on your bra. And then you gotta chug way back over here to put on your pantyhose.

Ang: What were you before you came here, a female impersonator?

Tony: Can't you see you're wasting ten, fifteen seconds of your life every morning? I want this place to run like a well oiled machine!

Ang: If you had it your way, I'd be getting dressed on a conveyor belt.

Tony: Not a bad idea!

Downstairs

(Sam and Jonathan are getting ready to leave for school. Jonathan has his arm stuck in his Jacket. Sam goes to help him)

Sam: No, no, no Jonathan. First you put on your Jacket, then you put on your gloves!

Jon: That's not how my mother does it

(Tony and Angela come downstairs)

Tony: All right guys. Now keep your eyes open for that school bus. I'll be back in 6 minutes. (He leaves)

Ang: Oh, that's all right Sam, I'll finish that. Have a good day at school dear. (Sam Leaves) Good, good. Now, do we remember out multiplication tables? What is 6 times 8?

Jon: Sixty-four!

Ang: No, no Sweetheart, no 6 times 8 is 48. You keep repeating that to the bus driver.

Jon: He's the one who told me it was 64.

Ang: I'm, uh, sure he meant well. I love you. (She picks up her bag to leave)

Jon: Don't forget we're going to the parent's meeting tonight.

Ang: I won't forget swetheart. Bye Bye.

(She goes out and closes the door. A second later the door opens and she comes back in)

Ang: Parent's meeting? You didn't tell me about any parents meeting.

Jon: Well, I brought home the notice last week.

Ang: You never showed it to me.

Jon: Well, I can't think of everything!

Ang: Jonathan, c'mere. (She sits him down on the step) Sweetheart, there is a very important board meeting tonight, and Mommy is the president! And. and so I have to be there. See it's like if um if you had a birthday party, you'd have to be there. So, I'm sorry, but I won' be able to be there tonight. Do you understand?

Jon: Ok, I understand.

Ang: Are you sure?

Jon: Mmm-hmm.

Ang: Well thank you sweetheart.

(Angela gets up and heads for the door)

Jon: I'll be the only kid whose mother doesn't care

(Angela looks at him)

Scene 2 - Later at the house
(Tony is vacuuming the house. He picks up the vacuum and hoovers the curtains. Mona enters with her bike, honking the horn)

Tony: Hey Mona! Last of the red hot co-eds. What's up?

Mona: Well, you know what they say, it's never too late to matriculate. Hey, thanks for fixing my lunch.

Tony: Yeah, you got it babe. You know I take care of all my school kids.

Mona: I know. Oh it's such a joy immersing myself in academia. I spent hours in the library re-reading my notes on Freud. What a brilliant mind. He saw filth in everything!

Tony: (Looking at his cleaning equipment) So do I!

Mona: Well, I'm going to go have an after school snack. All that talk about fruitcakes and nuts made me hungry!

(Mona goes into the kitchen. The doorbell rings. Tony answers it to find a lady standing there)

Cindy: Hi.

Tony: Hi right back.

Cindy: Um I hate to bother you, but my car broke down. Can I use your phone to call the Autoclub?

Tony: Yeah, sure. C'mon in, it's right over here.

Cindy: I really appreciate it. (She comes in and looks around) What a pretty place. Did your wife do this herself?

Tony: Oh, no no no. I'm not married, uh I just work here.

Cindy: I see.

Tony: Yeah, the phone. The phone is over there. Oh, excuse me, let me just get this out of the way. (He moves the vacuum) Hey, I got a pot of coffee going. Uh, you wanna cup?

Cindy: No Thanks, I'm fine.

Tony: That's for sure!

Cindy: Do you happen to be Italian?

Tony: Yeah, how'd you know?

Cindy: Takes one to know one.

Tony: Oh, you're Italian too?

Cindy: Yeah, right down to my fettucini al Fredo. I heppen to know this terrific little Italian restaurant, are you free tonight?

Tony: Wow, you don't waste any...

Cindy: Pick you up at 6.

Tony: ...Time do ya. Hey, uh by the way, I'm Tony.

Cindy: I'm Cindy.

Tony: Hi.

Cindy: Nice to meet you.

Tony: Yeah, hey where you goin'? What about the auto club?

Cindy: Oh, well, that was just a little white lie so we could get aquainted.

Tony: Yeah? Worked great!

Cindy: Yeah, it did didn't it?

Tony: Gee, I love when they come to your door.

(Mona enters from kitchen)

Mona: Hey Tony, Tony where's the carrot juice?

Tony: We're out of it.

Mona: Well, Professor Morrell. How nice to see you outside of class.

Tony: Professor?

Mona: Yeah.

Cindy: Mona, how nice to see you. Do you live here?

Mona: No, no my daughter does, uh, Ton'y my erm Housekeeper-in-law.

Cindy: You work for Mona's daughter?

Tony: Yeah, you know, uh, she brings home the bacon and I fry it!

Cindy: Oh that's nice. Well, looking forward Tony. See you in class Mona.

Tony: Bye. (Cindy leaves) How'd you like that, a professor! Y'know the closest I ever came to a professor was when I changed buses at Brooklyn college.

Mona: And she's not just a professor. she's a fellow of clinical psychology.

Tony: I'm dating a fellow!?!

Mona: Hey wait! You have a date with my professor?

Tony: Well, yeah.

Mona: Well, she is just about to grade my midterm exam! Put a smile on her face Tony!

Tony: I feel an 'A' coming on Mona.

Mona: Now look. I want a good grade, but don't hurt yourself!

Tony: Oh wait a minute, wait a minute. Angela's workin' tonight I'm supposed to sit with the kids.

Mona: No problem, I'll cover for you, hmm. I'll scratch your back you scratch hers!

Tony: Oooh I love you, I love you.

(Mona goes into kitchen. Sam and Jonathan come in the door from school)

Sam: Hi Dad.

Tony: Oh hey look who's home. Hey gimme that box, gimme a kiss. How was school?

Sam: Great, fabulous. I struck out 5 and I walked 1.

Tony: That's great, but what about class?

Sam: Oh. I... (She mutters) Seeya! (She goes upstairs)

Tony: How about you champ? How was your day?

Jon: Oh, Chris Peterson kept picking on me.

Tony: Yeah, well, why don't you pick back?

Jon: He's tougher than I am.

Tony: Oh.

(Tony goes into the kitchen where Mona is preparing something green in the Osterizer)

Tony: Ooh, that looks awful, I mean how could you drink that stuff.

Mona: I can't, it's for you! For your big date, it's a high potency drink. Yeah! To give you a lot of energy and stamina. It's go protein powder and some raw eggs and 800 units of vitamin E. Here, drink up.

Tony: Well, why don't you just throw an oyster in it?

Mona: I did.

SCENE 3 - LATER AT THE HOUSE

(Jonathan is playing his hand held computer game, Angela comes in the front door)

Ang: Here I am Jonathan!

Jon: Hi mom

Ang: Aren't you surprised to see me?

Jon: No, you live here!

Ang: Sweetheart, i cancelled the board meeting! And I cancelled all of my dinner plans just so that you and I could go to the parent's night together. Wasn't that nice of me?

Jon: I guess so, but I made a mistake. Parent's night is next week.

(Angela crosses her arms)

Ang: Jonathan, I'm goin to sell you to the gypsies.

Jon: Wow! i like gypsies.

Ang: I will not be upset. I will not explode. I will go upstairs and drown myself in a hot tub. Tell Tony I'm home for dinner.

(Jonathan Gets up)

Jon: Right Mom.

(His computer game beeps and he sits back down. Cut to Tony and Mona in the kitchen)

Tony: I think I'll go up and catch a nice hot shower, huh. You know wouldn't a nice hot bath be nice right about now?

Mona: Well, why don't you take one?

Tony: Ah, you know why. I mean the only tub is in Angela's bathroom.

Mona: Well, what difference does it make. She won't be home for hours. Go on. You know a hot date deserves a hot bath!

Tony: Oooh, I like this woman. You really think she won't mind?

Mona: No, no, i'll talk to her about it later.

Tony: Oooh Mona, I love you! you're the greatest.

Mona: I know!

(Tony leaves. Mona picks up the green drink, takes a sip and looks disgusted)

SCENE 4
(Angela is in the bath conducting, with headphones on. Cut to Tony on landing. He comes out of his room in his bath robe carrying a loofah brush and bubble bath. He goes to the linen closet and takes out a towel. CUT to Angela, she begins to get out of the bath. CUT back to Tony)

Tony: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to bathe I go.

(He giggles to himself as he goes into Angela's room. CUT to Angela who is stepping out of the bath. CUT back to Tony)

Tony: Going down the path with my bubble bath hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi...

(He walks into the bathroom as Angela is drying herself)

Tony:... Holy smoke!

(Tony is frozen to the spot. Angela wraps her towel around herself quickly)

SCENE 5 - LATER
(Tony is seated in the living room waiting for his date. He is polishing the table. Angela creeps downstairs, runs to her briefcase, picks it up and runs back towards the stairs)

Tony: Hey look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Ang: Ok, ok, ok. You're sorry, you're sorry!

Tony: Hey look. I didn't see anything.

Ang: You saw everything!

Tony: I got a lousy memory.

Ang: Oh sure (!)

Tony: I was looking at your headset!

Ang: Oh I'll just bet you were! By the way what were you doing coming into my bathroom with your robe, and your soap and your rub-a-dub-dub brush?

Tony: Well, I was, er, I was gonna sorta take a bath.

Ang: Oh, sorta take a bath...

Tony: Gee, i don't have a tub, I only have a shower.

Ang: Aww, poor baby. And where in the Constitution does it guarantee life, liberty and the pursuit of a bubble bath?

Tony: I didn't even know you were in there! Why didn't you lock the door?

Ang: Because I'm not used to having people wander into my bathroom.

Tony: Oh yeah, well you're the one who told me to come on in there. I mean you said "you're the housekeeper, this is part of the house" you said.

Ang: Oh, are you in the habit of cleaning in your bathrobe?

Tony: All right, so I wasn't cleaning. But I might have been cleaning. And if I was cleaning I still would've seen what I saw when I wan't cleaning.

Ang: What?

Tony: Why didn't you just tell me you were coming home early?

Ang: What, is this a new rule around here?

Tony: No, I didn't have enough for dinner. Y'know, I'm one cornish gamehen short.

Ang: I'll shorten your gamehen!

Tony: Oh c'mon Angela. This was an accident, why can't we just pretend it never happened?

Ang: Well, that's easy for you to say. you're the person who did the ogling, I'm the person who got ogled!

Tony: Yeah, but look, nobody knows. It's just our little secret.

(Mona enters from kitchen)

Mona: Oh Angela, so what's the big deal? So Tony saw your bare buns eh?

Ang: Oh wonderful mother wonderful. Now why don't we just tell everyone in Connecticut. "Tony saw Angela naked", "Tony saw Angela naked", "Tony saw Angela..." (She opens the front door and shouts out) "..naked!" (Cindy is standing there)

Cindy: You must be Angela.

Ang: Hello. Who are you and what are you doing at my door?

Cindy: I'm Cindy Morrell. I came to pick up Tony.

Tony: Heh, this is my date. (to Cindy) Won't you come in?

Ang: (Mocking Tony) Eh, won't you come in?

Cindy: Will we be keeping our clothes on?

(They laugh nervously, except Angela, who scowls)

Tony: (to Cindy) Talk to Mona, I'll be a minute.

Ang: Um Tony. What is going on here? I fell like I'm losing control. I can't come home early, I can't take a bath. I can't even yell out of my own front door!

Tony: Oh, uh, me and my date, we'll get out of your hair.

Ang: And uh, just what is this about a date?

Tony: Well, wh-what. I can't have a social life? I mean what, cos I saw you naked I'm grounded?

Ang: You are supposed to be sitting with the kids tonight.

Tony: I know, I know, but your mother said she'd cover for me.

Ang: My mother?

Tony: Yeah, your mother.

Ang: My mother?

Tony: Yeah.

Ang: Who is the boss around here, me or my mother? Or maybe it's you!

(They turn around to see Mona and Cindy watching them)

Tomy: Huh, you gotta excuse us. We're just having a little pow-wow.

Ang: Yes. Just settling a little, private household matter.

Cindy: You mean the one you were shouting out the front door?

Ang: Could we just drop the whole thing?

Mona: No! That's avoidance. you see you have to nip these things in the bud or else they'll fester, like a big ugly boil that you have to prick with a pin!

Ang: Lovely mother, lovely.

Mona: Thank You Angela. And what would you do in a situation like this professor?

Cindy: I'd go to dinner!

Ang: You're a professor? Of what?

Cindy: I have my PhD in clinical psychology.

Tony: She's no dummy eh?

Cindy: Mona, maybe sometime you could stage a little psychodrama and help these two people work through their problems?

Mona: You are going to love psychodrama!! It's like uh dinner theatre for whackos! Here, now this is what we're going to do...

Cindy: Mona, Mona. I didn't mean right now! Tony, we do have reservations.

Tony: Yeah

Ang: So do I. Lots of them!

Mona: Angela, Angela. This is just going to take a minute, see now you feel foolish and, and violated because of what happened see? And Tony, Tony feels embarrassed and guilty.

Tony: Yeah, yeah.

Cindy: Ah, Right.

Tony: Y'know, I really would like to get off the hook.

Ang: Oh I bet you would!

Mona: Oh good. I'm going to be the director. All right professor?

Cindy: All right Mona, but hurry.

Moan: All right. Now Angela, lets uh say that you walked in on Tony.

Ang: But I didn't mother.

Mona: But lets say you did! Uh, Tony, you are in the bath tub taking a nice bath. Yeah, so why don't you di that for us?

Ang: Oh mother. This is just ridiculous.

Mona: Oh Angela, get with the game! All right now Tony, make it real! What do you do when you're taking a bath huh?

(He does 'bath' gestures, blowing bubbles etc)

Mona: Aww, uh are you enjoying it?

Tony: Yeah! I'm really getting into this y'know, my fingers are starting to wrinkle!

Mona: Good, now the bath is over.

Tony: Aww Mona! I just got in the tub!

Mona: Get out of the bath and start drying off huh. (He does)

Tony: All right.

Mona: Uh-huh. All right here you are approaching the door. You see, you have no idea what's on the other side. Hmm, now start your move.

Ang: No, I, I don't know, I feel silly.

Mona: C'mon. See, this is the moment of truth. This is the bathroom door. Now you are going to open the door and walk in. Go get him.

(Angela opens the imaginary door)

Tony: Hey!

Ang: Oh! (She starts to laugh)

Tony: What are you laughing at?

Ang: I can see through your towel!

Tony: Why don't you knock?

Ang: Well, why don't you lock the door?

Tony: Because I don't have the key!

Ang: Oh yeah, here!

(She takes an imaginary key from her pocket and throws it at Tony. He goes to catch it and realises he has dropped his imaginary towel. Angela laughs again)

Ang: Gotcha!

Tony: You did that on purpose!

Ang: Yeah!

Mona: Cut! That's it! Now don't you feel better Angela?

Ang: No!

Mona: Tony?

Tony: I feel used and cheap!

Mona: I don't understand this.

Cindy: Don't be discouraged Mona. When you're dealing with a repressed personality like this it takes time. Shall we go Tony?

Ang: (Standing up to square up to Cindy) Repressed personality?

Mona: Uh, she was speaking clinically.

Ang: I see! Well, speaking clinically, how would you feel if Tony walked in on you?

Cindy: It wouldn't bother me in the least!

Tony: Yeah?

Ang: Oh c'mon. It would bother anyone with a sense of modesty.

Cindy: I wonder if this is about modesty, or subconcous exhibitionism?

(Angela and Cindy laugh falsely. Mona laughs nervously)

Cindy: We do tend to write our own little scripts.

Ang: Are you saying that I wanted him to see me?

Cindy: Well, you did broadcast it to half of Connecticut. "Tony saw me naked!" I bet that really got your juices goin'!

Tony: (Standing up) Hey, ey, ey, ey, ey, ey, ey. That's a little rough, huh?

Cindy: Let's go Tony!

(Cindy walks towards the door to leave, but Tony doesn't follow her)

Cindy: You coming?

Tony: No. Maybe you better go by yourself.

Cindy: Oh I get it, she's your boss.

Tony: Yeah, she's my boss, but she's also good people.

Cindy: I'm really sorry you feel that way Tony. you don't know what you're missing.

Tony: It's a chance I'll have to take.

(Cindy leaves)

Mona: I guess I can kiss my 'A' goodbye!

Ang: I'm sorry if I ruined your evening.

Tony: Hey, you miss one gorgeous college professor, another'll be by any minute... uy!

Ang: Tell you what. We need some management/labour negotiations. You can definitely use the tub, when I'm definitely not in it!

Tony: And I will definitely knock before I come in.

Ang: And if I'm going to come home unexpectedly for dinner I'll definitely call.

Tony: And I'll keep something in the freezer just for you in case you forget.

Ang: And one other thing. About my underwear...

Tony: Oh Angela!

Ang: Y'know the special handwash stuff...

Tony: Yeah, I know, I know...

Ang: I'll do it myself.

Tony: Yeah? Definitely deal!

(They shake hands)

SCENE 6

Mona: My faith in psychology was never shaken for a single minute. I knew this would work out!

(She puts her feet up on the table. tony and Angela copy)

Tony: You really shrunk us good didn't you.

Mona: I did, didn't I! This is a wonderful moment. it's the first time I feel like we're a real family.

Ang: A family?

Mona: Yeah. After all, we're the only three people in the world who know about your mole!

Tony: Ooooh!

END