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1. Pilot [ - ]
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Transcript from the broadcast version of the Pilot.

Who's The Boss?
Episode #1 - Pilot


TEASER

(Tony's apartment - he and Sam are packing up the van)

Tony: Are you sure you got everything honey?

Sam: I'm sure daddy.

Tony: Aww. Goodbyes are tough huh? I'm sure I noticed a tear in one of those cockroaches' eyes.

Mrs. R: I still say you're making a big mistake Tony. How could you leave New York?

Tony: Try Borough Bridge. Look Mrs. Rossini, you've got to admit, this neighborhood's falling apart. I mean look at Samantha. When she starts coming home with black eyes it's time for me to get out.

Sam: Ay, that's because there were three of those guys dad. And anyway, I got one guy sneezing out of his ear!

Mrs. R: And how are you gonna support yourself huh?

Tony: Oh Ay Mrs. Rossini, I got a great job at a great place. It's all green with picket fences.

Mrs. R: But you always said you loved New York.

Tony: Yeah, but I love my daughter a lot more. Hey Mrs. Rossini, take care of yourself.

Mrs. R: You too Tony, but I'm tellin' you, your gonna miss the heartbeat of the city. The excitement... the culture...

Tenant: Eh, shut up down there, I'm tryin'a sleep!

Mrs. R: Ah go sit on your hard hat!

TITLES
SCENE 1 - ANGELA'S HOUSE

(Angela's House - Doorbell rings. Jonathan is on the couch)

Angela: (from upstairs) Is somebody getting that?

Jonathan: No!

Ang: Jonathan, will you please see who's at the door.

Jon: All right. I'll see (He goes to the window, looks out and then sits back down. Angela comes downstairs)

Ang: Who is it sweetheart?

Jonathan: Oh, just some guy.

Ang: Well, what does he want?

Jon: How should I know, he was just standing out there.

Ang: You mean you didn't even ask?

Jon: No you said to see who was at the door. You didn't say open it.

Ang: Jonathan, I'm warning you. Joan Crawford is my idol! (Angela goes to the door and opens it to see Tony standing there)

Tony: Morning!

Ang: May, May I help you?

Tony: Well, if you're Angela Bower, I'm here to help you.

Ang: I beg your pardon.

Tony: I'm Tony Micelli. I'm here about the job.

Ang: Oh, I'm sorry. There must be a mistake. This job is for a housekeeper.

Tony: That's me, Mr. Goodmop!

Ang: Well, my mother's screening everyone. Did you meet her?

Tony: Yeah yesterday. She gave me the once over, kicked me in the tyres, put me up on the rack...

Ang: Well she should've checked under your hood, 'cause you're the wrong sex.

Tony: Oh wait a minute; she said that wouldn't be any problem.

Ang: My mother didn't thin World war two was a problem.
(Jonathan gets up, interested in what's going on)
Tony: Oh, that must be Jonathan. Cute Kid.

Ang: Yes, he is. (Tony barges past her) Wh...

Tony: (to Jonathan) You must be Jonathan?

Jon: That's right. How'd you know?

Tony: Your grandmother told me. You're king of the reptiles right?

Jon: (excitedly) That's me!

Ang: Excuse me. I'm in a terrible rush. I've got to get Jonathan off to school and I've got to catch a train.

Tony: Well, I could take him.

Ang: No, no... (She sees the snake on the table) Jonathan, didn't I tell you to take the snake out of the living room?

Jon: Not today you didn't.

Ang: Must you be so literal?

Jon: Yes.

Ang: Jonathan. I don't know what to do with you!

Tony: Ah (goes and sits next to Jonathan) Ay, Jonathan, why don't you hustle your little buddy upstairs.

Jon: Oh what's the big deal?

Tony: Well, the big deal is it looks like a showdown between your snake and your mother... and remember, the snake doesn't pay your allowance!

Jon: Good Point. Well, sorry Wilbur. Money talks and you don't! (He goes upstairs with the snake)

Ang: Thank you. Um.. um.. Where were we? Oh yes, you were at the door and I was about to close it.

Tony: Oh, wait, wait. I gave up my apartment. Your mother said I had this job except for a small formality.

Ang: What formality?

Tony: You saying yes.

Ang: No!

Tony: Can we talk?

Ang: Well, do you have any references?

Tony: No.

Ang: Do you have any experience?

Tony: None.

Ang: How many jobs have you had as a housekeeper?

Tony: One... if I get this. (Mona enters on her bike)

Mona: Ah! Mr. Micelli, here you are. And right on time! (Aside to Angela) What a reliable person hmm? So, how are things going with you two?

Ang: In the direction of the door!

Mona: Door? (She takes Angela to one side) Angela, what is the problem?

Ang: The problem is mother, you sent me a man for a housekeeper!

Mona: Oh don't be so sexist. A man can do meaningless, unproductive work just as well as a woman.

Ang: Mother, the housekeeper's room is very close to mine.

Tony: Oh Ay, don't worry about me. I keep a can of Mace by my bed!

Mona: (laughing) Oh, he's got a sense of humor. A regular Henny Youngman!

Ang: (sarcastically) What a zany guy (!) Nevertheless, it doesn't look right, or feel right for a man to be living here alone.

Mona: But he's not alone. (to Tony) Didn't you tell her about Samantha?

Ang: You're married?

Tony: Oh, no no. Sam's my daughter. You're gonna love her. She's out in the truck... I'll go get her.
(He leaves)

Ang: No, no wait!

Mona: Well, isn't he perfect?

Ang: No!

Mona: He loves children Angela. And children love him. I got that from the director of the Brooklyn 'Y'. See,
my instincts tell me this is the man for my grandson. And it doesn't hurt that he's a hunk!

Ang: I'm not looking for a hunk for a housekeeper.

Mona: Why not? He'll do floors, he'll lift furniture. Can I come over when he lifts?

Ang: Mother, I don't know anything about this man!

Mona: Now Angela. I checked him out thoroughly, and it's a story you won't believe.

Ang: Oh! On of those!

Mona: I got it from his Parish priest. See, he's an ex-jock and he played in the Major Leagues for a while until he got hurt and then they dumped him... the swine. And it was just about that time that his young wife died.

Ang: Mother. Don't do this to me.

Mona: They were childhood sweethearts Angela, and since that time, well he's been working at odd jobs,
you know, a young widower, trying to find himself and support his little girl.

Ang: You did it to me!

Mona: Angela, even the child psychologist said Jonathan has to have a male role model. And this Tony, is
he male, or is he male? I mean we're talking mucho macho here! (Enter Tony and Sam from outside)

Tony: Well, here she is! This is Samantha. (Mona and Angela look at her black eye) Oh, oh. She got that shiner stealing third in little league. Uh Sam, I want you to meet some real nice people. This is Mona Robinson.

Sam: (Shaking Mona's hand) Nice to meet you.

Tony: And this is Angela Bower

Sam: (goes over to Angela) Oh I'm very pleased to meet you Miss Bower. You have a lovely home and you're so pretty.

Ang: Oh, thank you. I'm very flattered.

Sam: That's the idea.

Tony: (butting in) And uh, this is the snake keeper Jonathan. Jonathan this is Sam.

Sam: (awkwardly) Hi.

Jon: (awkwardly) Hi.

Tony: They love each other already!

Mona: So, shall we wrap this thing up?

Ang: Gee, uh I don't know...

Mona: Angela, Albert Schweitzer is dead. This is the next best thing.

Tony: Hey, look uh. All I can say is I really need the job. I mean my daughter needs a good place to grow up, and uh (he looks at Jonathan) I've got a feeling maybe you need us.

Jon: It's OK with me mom.

Mona: There you go. There's the deciding vote. (Tony hugs Jonathan and Sam, and they all smile cheesily at Angela)

Ang: I guess we could give it a try.

Tony: We got ourselves a new pad! All Right!

Sam: Great. Do I get my own room?

Mona: Oh yes. You can have the sewing room.

Tony: I'm gonna get our stuff, it's in the van.

Mona: Oh, I think I'll just go watch him unload! (Tony leaves followed by Mona. Angela goes to the door to see)

Jon: (to Sam) Are you afraid of snakes?

Sam: Afraid? I had a boa constrictor when I was a kid! It would swallow live mice and once ate a kid bigger than you. Do you have any more questions?

Jon: Yes. (To Angela) Is it too late to change my vote?

Ang: Yes!

SCENE 2 - OUTSIDE THE HOUSE

(Angela and her date arrive home)

Ang: Grant. Thank you again. It was a lovely evening.

Grant: You mean you're going to send a starving man home?

Ang: No.

(They go into the living room)

Grant: I can't believe it...

Ang: Shh

Grant: (more quietly)I can't believe you spend $300 on dinner and you still come away hungry.

Ang: I've had it with nouvelle cuisine. The waiter had more food on his sleeve than I had on my plate! (pause) What about your cab driver?

Grant: Let him get his own meal!

Ang: He'll probably do better than we do!

(They go through to the kitchen)

Ang: Sit down. I'll see what we have.

Grant: If I may say so Ms Vice president, you were absolutely charming with those clients tonight.

Ang: You may say so Mr. President.

Grant: Your media plan was only brilliant.

Ang: So was the way you pretended you'd seen it before.

Grant: We make a great team!

Ang: Yeah. Uh, how about a green salad?

Grant: Uh, this is potato salad.

Ang: True, but it is green! Sorry, I haven't shopped since the last housekeeper quit.

Grant: I'd settle for peanut butter and jelly.

Ang: Now that I can handle. I may not be great in the kitchen, but I certainly make up for it in the boardroom.

Grant: (moving towards her) I'm not bored!

(They kiss. Angela drops a plate)

Ang: Oh, the Connecticut klutz strikes again. I'm sorry.

Grant: Here, let me help.

(He bends down to help pick up the plate)

Ang: No, no. Don't touch it, you'll cut yourself. Here let me get the dustpan.

Grant: This is good china.

Ang: I know. I care enough to break the very best.

(They kiss again)

Grant: I have a wonderful idea.

Ang: We can't... my son's upstairs.

Grant: I don't mean upstairs... I mean upstate. I've got a place; we can go there this weekend.

Ang: Uh, this weekend, I don't know if my mother can take Jonathan this weekend.

Grant: I have a cabin full of Wedgwood china. We can break it all!

Ang: Wedgwood? Oh Grant, now you're really getting to me.

(They kiss again. Tony barges in wielding a baseball bat)

Tony: Hey, hey, hey. What's goin' on!

(Tony grabs Grant and threatens him with the baseball bat)

Ang: Tony! No don't Tony! He's my date!

Tony: I thought you were getting attacked. What were you doing rolling around on the floor?

Ang: We weren't rolling around on the floor; we were picking up a broken plate.

Tony: Both of you?

Ang: It was a big plate!

Grant: Angela, who is this?

Ang: Well Grant, you're not going to believe this, but this is my new housekeeper.

Grant: Housekeeper? Angela, this is the ugliest woman I've ever seen.

Tony: Hey, Ay Ay, Who is this bozo?

Ang: Tony, this bozo is my boss!

Tony: It's you're boss? I thought they chased you round your desk, not around your stove!

Grant: I don't find that very amusing, and I don't have to explain myself to a male Mary Poppins.

Tony: Mary Poppins huh? You're lucky I like that move or I'd take care of you. (He moves towards Grant)

Ang: Grant, behave yourself.

Grant: Don't tell me to behave myself. Talk to Conan The Barbarian here.

Tony: Now that movie I hated.

(He goes for Grant, Angela steps between them)

Ang: That's enough, Tony Go to your room.

Tony: Angela...

Ang: Tony. Go to your room!

(He leaves the kitchen muttering under his breath)

Ang: Grant, go to your cab.

(She and Grant go into the Living Room. Tony's still there)

Ang: Tony! Go to your room!

Tony: I'm going, I'm going.

Ang: Grant I'm very sorry about this. We'll talk about the weekend at the office tomorrow? Well, look on the bright side; you just saved a fortune in cab fare.

Grant: Great. That makes two meters that got turned off early.

Tony: (still on the stairs) Bye Grant (!)

(Grant leaves. Angela turns to Tony)

Ang: I knew it. I knew this wasn't going to work out.

Tony: Hey, no problem. We just got our signals crossed.

Ang: I'll cross your signals! You just intruded on a personal moment with someone I happen to like a lot. From now on if you feel tempted to butt in, please butt out.

Tony: Well, next time I see someone crawlin' all over you on the floor, I'll know that's how you entertain friends.

Ang: Oh! I think we'd better continue this discussion in the morning. Right now I'm so angry I could strangle you. Let's go to bed.

Tony: Right!

(They walk up the stairs together, before realizing what they just said. Tony steps back and lets Angela go first)

SCENE THREE - ON THE LANDING
(Tony leaves his room and goes to Angela's door. He knocks and she answers)

Ang: (half asleep) Did you have a bad dream honey?

Tony: No. I didn't even get to sleep.

Ang: You! I thought it was Jonathan.

Tony: Well, uh, don't take this like an apology or anything, but I guess I screwed up a little tonight.

Ang: Well maybe a little...

Tony: I hope I didn't cost you your job.

Ang: No, I don't think so. I think you might have cost me an awfully big promotion.

Tony: A-ha! So that's why you were going out with that guy, for a promotion.

Ang: There you go jumping to conclusions again. I am going out with him because... he's... he's great looking, he's fun to be with and he's a great dancer.

Tony: So he's got twinkle toes! What's the promotion?

Ang: Grant's been moved up to Chairman of the board, he's going to recommend a new president this week, and I've got a good shot at it. Or at least I did!

Tony: Hey! No problem. You can be president someplace else.

Ang: Just like that huh?

Tony: Yeah.

Ang: Go down to the president's hiring hall and wait 'til something breaks.

Tony: You can do it. You're a smart lady. You don't need that stiff.

Ang: Tony, you know how long I've worked for this? Ever since my husband left me and well... anyhow, it's,
it's just taken me a long time to get this far, and I'd really like to go all the way.

Tony: Yeah I know (!) I saw...

Ang: Nothing was going to happen here! And why should it when the man has a perfectly good house upstate.

Tony: A-ha! So that's where you're goin with him this weekend!

Ang: Tony. I'm going to say this very slowly... My weekend has nothing to do with my promotion.

Tony: You'll never know unless you don't go!

Ang: Who are you anyway? Jiminy Cricket?

Tony: I'm just trying to tell you Angela; you can do this on your own. It's like Sinatra said...

Ang: Sinatra?

Tony: Through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and I spit it out. I faced them all and I stood tall and did
it my way.

Ang: We're talking about my life and you're giving me philosophy from the Sands Hotel!

Tony: Well, you just remember what I said.

Ang: Tony! If I had a lobotomy I would remember that!

Tony: Well good, 'cause let me tell you one thing Angela. You'd never catch me doing something dumb lie sleeping with my employer! Huh!

(He turns realizing what he said. They both shake their heads and go into their rooms)

SCENE 4 - THE NEXT MORNING - KITCHEN
(Jonathan and Sam are sat at the table. Tony is cooking)

Tony: All right egg fans! Let's show those chickens they have not laid in vain!

Sam: I'll have mine scrambled.

Tony: All right. Two scrambled workin' baby! Do I hear fried, boiled, basted or sunny side up? (pause) Jonathan? How'd you like your eggs?

Jon: In the shell! I hate eggs! I'll just have some Crunchy Crawlers and a cup of coffee.

Tony: Crunchy Crawlers and a cup of coffee? You wanna top it off with a shot of vodka?

Sam: Let me see that (She takes the crunchy crawler box from Jonathan and reads it) Look at this (She shows Tony) It's all bleached flour and sugar.

Tony: Ay, you eat this, you'll be a walking pimple. Out it goes.

Jon: Hey! I always have those for breakfast.

Tony: Yeah? Well start eating eggs. Share these scrambled. There you go dear (Puts some on Sam's plate)

Sam: Thank You

Tony: You're welcome sweetheart. And you (puts some on Jonathan's plate) Mang&eactute;!

Jon: Yuck. Isn't there anything else?

Tony: Yeah, hunger! Now eat those eggs or the rest of those teeth are gonna fall out and they're not gonna come back.

(Angela enters)

Tony: Ah, look who's up. The lady of the house. Good Morning!

Ang: Good Morning.

Tony: Good Morning can I make you something for breakfast?

Ang: No thanks, just juice and coffee.

Tony: You sure?

Ang: I'm sure.

Jon: Hey, what about her teeth?

Ang: Jonathan. Since when did you start eating eggs?

Jon: Since Tony threw away my Crunchy Crawlers. He said it was either that or hunger.

Ang: You threatened my son?

Tony: ...Yeah.

Ang: It seems to be working.

Tony: Every time (he pours Angela's orange juice) Every time.

Ang: Thank You. (to Jonathan) How are you liking those eggs?

Jon: I haven't thrown up yet!

Tony: Keep eating champ. Later we'll shoot some hoops. Ha, ha. (leans in to pour Angela's coffee) s'cuse me. So, uh, did you think about it?

Ang: Yes, just juice and coffee.

Tony: Not just juice and coffee. You know what I'm talking about. The thing we talked about last night.

Ang: Oh that! Yes well, I'm just going to let what happens happen.

Tony: Oh Ay, Ay oh. If you just let what happens happen, when what you wanted to happen happens, you're not going to know whether it happened or not!

Ang: Now just a minute...

Tony: No, no, no, no wait a minute. There are certain things that are no good for you, like Crunchy Crawlers and guys who just wanna...

Ang: Now just a minute. If I want... (She looks down to see Sam and Jonathan looking up at her)... Crunchy Crawlers, then I will have Crunchy Crawlers.

Tony: Crunchy Crawlers are empty calories. Not really satisfying. In an hour you're just gonna want something else.

Ang: Maybe I'll want more Crunchy Crawlers.

Tony: (mutters something under his breath) I only got 8 minutes to get you to the train.

Ang: Time really flies when you're bored doesn't it.

(Tony Mutters again)

Ang: (to Jonathan) Goodbye Darling. The school bus'll be here in a minute. I love you.

(Tony and Angela leave)

Jon: What was all that about?

Sam: Sex!

Jon: That's what I thought.

SCENE 5 - ANGELA'S OFFICE
(Grant is sat on the desk. Angela is walking round him as she talks)

Ang: Grant, level with me. Um, does my promotion have anything to do with (she giggles) well uh our uh weekend together?

Grant: Hey! Jim Peterson's up for it too, and I didn't invite him!

Ang: Well, uh Grant, you know I think we ought to put the weekend on hold until after the board makes its
final decision.

Grant: Why?

Ang: Because, to tell you the truth, if I go away with you this weekend, and then I get the presidency, I'll never know if it was because I was good, or because I was... good.

Grant: I'd know!

Ang: Well, you can joke about it if you want to, but I'd like to think that I faced them all, and I stood tall, and did it my way. (pause) I don't believe I just said that!

Grant: I don't either. Are you moonlighting in a piano bar?

SCENE 6 - ANGELA'S HOUSE - THE LIVING ROOM
(Tony is vacuuming under the sofa. Angela enters)

Ang: Hi Tony.

Tony: Ay!

Ang: What are you doing?

Tony: Oh, this is called "Aerobic Housekeeping". You stay lean while you clean! You're home early aren't
you?

Ang: Grant decided to call a special meeting of the board of directors to decide on the new president right away. I waited around for a while, and then I decided to come home when I started biting nails that belonged to other people.

Tony: I don't know what you're worried about; you're going to get it.

Ang: Yeah, well, you never can be sure. (Pause) Tony, don't take this as a compliment, but uh, well, I kinda followed your advice and I'm not going away with him this weekend.

Tony: Yeah? That's terrific!

Ang: Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say. I guess if I'm gonna sweat it out; I'd better do it in a sweat suit.

Tony: It's a good idea. Hey we could shoot some hoops.

Ang: Hoops?

Tony: Y'know (He demonstrates with an imaginary ball)

Ang: Oh great (!)

(Angela goes upstairs. Jonathan and Sam come in the front door)

Tony: Hey, hey, look who's here, Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer. How was school guys? You guys eat lunch together?

Sam: No, I played baseball.

Tony: How 'bout you Jonathan?

Jon: I was in the science lab having lunch with an alligator.

Tony: Oh, an alligator huh? I like alligators, y'know they're always getting a bum rap in those jungle movies.

Sam: I'm starved. I need a shot of Granola.

Tony: Oh that's a good idea. A round of Granola for the house.

(Tony and Sam go into the kitchen)

Tony: So, uh tell me about school honey, how was it?

Sam: It was great daddy. The playground's beautiful. It's so nice to sit on a bench without having to push a wino off!

Tony: Ay, I'm glad you like it sweetheart, Ay and I uh, how you getting along with old Jonathan?

Sam: You mean Captain Cobra? Ok, I guess, but I really like his mom.

Tony: Yeah, well she's really got it together. I mean well most of it anyway.

Sam: Dad, how could a woman make enough money to afford a great house like this one?

Tony: Well, she works hard and she's real smart. Hey you could do the same thing!

Sam: I can?

Tony: Sure!

Sam: Then I think I'll be manager of the Mets.

Tony: Good Choice, good choice. I'll be so proud of you when you're out there kicking dirt on umpires.

(They laugh)

Sam: Hey, you wanna shoot some hoops?

Tony: I'd love to.

(Sam get up, the phone rings)

Tony: Oh I'll be right out (He answers the phone) Bower residence, Tony here.... oh hi Rosie from the office. Oh nice to meet you Rosie.... yeah, no she's changing clothes, can I take a message?.... Oh c'mon Rosie,
uh, I won't tell..... she get it or not?..... no, ah c'mon give me a little hint.... Yah who?... Oh Yahoo! Oh now I get it, she got it! Oh great yeah, I'll tell her that uh Mr. Paxton's gonna call. Uh-huh. Ok. Fine. Yeah Rosie. Ok, B... You sound nice too Rosie. Bye! (He hangs up the phone) Hey all right. Way to go.

(Angela runs in from the living room) Ang: Was that the phone?

Tony: Yeah that was the phone.

Ang: Oh, who was it?

Tony: Oh it was the Arthur Murray dance school; you just won a free dance lesson.

Ang: Oh great, now all of my problems are solved. I'll be a Rockette!

Tony: You'd be a good one.

Ang: Uh, is there any coffee?

Tony: Sure. C'mon grab yourself a cup.

Ang: Now there's nothing to do but sit around and go crazy.

Tony: Ah.

Ang: You want some?

Tony: No. Let me, uh, let me ask you a question.

Ang: Sure.

Tony: Huh, let's say you know, you don't get this job. Are you sorry you didn't fool around with the boss?

Ang: No. I'm glad I did what I did.

Tony: You sure?

Ang: Yeah I'm sure, why?

Tony: 'cause (pause) you got it.

Ang: That, that wasn't Arthur Murray?

Tony: That was Rosie.

Ang: I got it?

Tony: Yeah.

Ang: I got it! I GOT IT!!

(Tony and Angela hug and then apologize to each other. Sam and Jonathan run in)

FADE OUT
FADE IN


Ang: Well, that's great. We gotta celebrate. What should we do?

Tony: How about we shoot some hoops?

Ang: Is that your answer for everything?

Tony and Sam: Yea!

Ang: Well, mine is a hot bath and a cold glass of champagne.

Tony: Well, how about you Jonathan?

Jon: I have to feed Wilbur.

Ang: Let's go (She takes Jonathan's hand and the leave via the living room)

Tony: (looks at Sam) Sam, I think our work's really cut out for us.

(They leave via the Backdoor, with a basketball)

END